what will we find?

the snow is staying on the ground.
It's disgusting.
All those beautiful little plants that I carried from mom's garden to our little hell pit are going to die.

It's so cold. Damp.
Body and bones ache.
but I can't take anything.

by this time 2mrw, hopefully the mystery will be solved.

Saw the g-doctor yesterday, and after scoping my stomach with a tube camera he said,"you have a few ulcers and some esophagitis (?) which could turn cancerous with time and if it's not monitored", so they took some samples.



"but ms hpk - the colonoscopy was normal. We hope the surgery will get to the bottom of these issues."

me too.
Fucken me too.

up @ 5:30am.

Despite the whole ativan that would knock out a whale, I'm wired and wide awake, thinking way too much...

you learn something new every day...

in pain for most of the time now.
Some docs say that because it was caught too late, i might have this chronic pain for the rest of my life. I can't sit for long periods of time. Walking is a chore. Must lie down a lot. When I found this, it made me smile.

I never knew she took photos in color.

it's all good bro...

I am so happy that i dragged my sleepless restless body outside today to meet an old friend.  He was Big in our Sex and La Cite. He was perfect for the role, but then again, everybody was bang on. We all still talk about those wonderful times. Everybody says: "that was once in a lifetime chemistry that we had", and because of my writing, i was the seed that made it happen.

BUT anyway...

so I met with E and went to his bachelor pad. Not bad for a bachelor pad I must say. and the guy is pretty tidy for a dude. So we caught up, talked a lot of shop talk, which was nice. it had been a while since i spoke cinema speak with anybody other than myself. He's working grip on a youtube sensation that will now be featured on the food channel - Bitchin Kitchen. Funny, our greek boy in the play actually plays the greek boy/fish monger/meat specialist. Oh i had a laugh when he told me about that.


And then we spoke of future projects. He really does value my opinion and we have always worked so well together - the last one was Travesty where I DPd. Apparently, lots of people though it was really well shot. Thank you very much :-)

but until today, i had yet to see the complete version.

Two years later - hello?

but he was busy with other more important things, so i wasn't going to hold it against him. I know he is true to his word. But the new stuff, very cool. Period piece with lots of CGI. Could be lots of fun...

And then we watched the famous Travesty. A fun little short film, until I saw the last 5 minutes, and some spots out of focus... FOCUS!?!

I didn't come down hard on him, but i said: "bro, you're kidding me. I know I shot more footage than that?!!"

"but bro - I was telling you: "Just do a master shot" and thank god you were shooting some extra stuff cause without that, we would have been doomed. And I was just telling people it was a stylistic thing - you know, like Arrested Development."

"oh my dear E. We are nowhere near being rich or famous enough to have the creative license to be able to pull out of focus shots for the sake of "style". This just looks like crap! Sorry, I know you have picture lock and are waiting on sound, but dude! It's out of focus!!"

Well, he conceded that it was not a good thing, and for my demo reel, it would not look good with out of focus shots, when I'm the one who has to be watching that everything looks good!

Well, for 3 minutes of film time, we worked 3 hours!!
how insane is that?! But oh I loved every minute of it! I just love editing!

"you are a storyteller, and editing is a way of putting the visual pieces of the narrative puzzle together to tell one single story. No wonder you love it so much - and you do it well...

So we decided to meet again - he will bring all his HDs and I have Final cut pro on my mac, and then to work on the final things - color correction, sound, but I think it will be a fun film. And I need to pad my cinema resume. I'm proud of my film one (it's almost 5 pages!!) but i need stuff that will pay the bills too.

speaking of photography, he still has that photo I gave him for his birthday once - the sculpture in new york. He says that it's one of his favorites.

That was a small joy today...

Since we met - from day one of the play, I always got along with the guys. They took me as one of their own. Literally. I was the "dude" and E's "bro(ther)". I love that - guys can feel comfortable with me.  Like the time E and P and I drove down to NYC for a few days, and than met Z. it was the Boyz night out, and I was the only one in heels (for that moment at least).

Oh good times.

I need to reconnect. I'm feeling so disjointed lately, and sleep? What sleep. 3 hours a night max. Pulled two all nighters in the past 5 days. I almost collapsed the other night, but boy, i slept like a rock. I had forgotten how nice a sold nights sleep could be.

3am and kinda jittery and kinda tired.

Happy as a pig in shit that i finished my intro trailer to my site. it looks cool (although, youtube is stingy on bandwidth - cause the images look all pixilated) but for somebody who has only known that program for a month, it's not bad at all.

So I've been telling peeps that after my surgical procedure from hell (back to back stuff. Euch.) I will need visitors as I will be out for at least a week, if not more, depending on what they find, if they find anything at all, so I will be taking people into my home, and into my life again. A new page, a new chapter, a new beginning.

back to the things that made me feel whole - film, photograph and writing.

"It's all good bro."

Yes, my friend, today really is...




Untitled from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

up too late...

gad.
I was up too late.
Am still up and the sun is shining. Day two of no sleep.
but at least i was productive, or trying to be.


Tried my hand at final cut pro.
I know, i'm behind the times - kids that are 12 years old are making videos better than this, but given my circumstances, it's not bad at all.


A cup of java and then to bed, by the window with the sunlight streaming in...

you truly are a gift...

Boob doc 2mrw. Time to check up on my well marbled porterhouse steak breast tissue.

Got the confirmation for my g-scope next monday (first one in - THANK GOD), just waiting on the surgery confirm.

Pain. Serious.
Had somebody in from out of town last night. Was quiet as a mouse. I had to breathe through the stabbing jolts. Spent more time breathing than talking.
I have a place where they are to visit. I just wish I could be well enough for the long flight down. Right now - 10 minutes is all I can take sitting down before i have to lie down again. A 10 hour flight would kill me...

Did lots of news for my website updates.
Wow.
Lots of shit going on!!
My CV looks pretty damn impressive. Almost 5 pages long. And that is just the photography stuff. There is also the writing and cinema CV's. It's a shame that I'm not making any money off this stuff. And it's definitely not for a lack of trying.

My luck as always...

And apparently, my cards were selected to be part of the ABAD show in Croatia! Could the Eastern European block countries be my next market? First Ukraine, now Croatia!? Very cool indeed.

Next show - Morrocco.
Was offered a place to say there for four nights c/o the organizers. What a dream that would be, but alas, $$, $$ $$. Rubbing two pennies together is tough, i can't even fathom 2000$...

but i can always dream right?

Had a phone call from Charlotte the other day.

It was so nice to talk to her. We reminisced about our Sex and La Cite days and said that we should do something again.

Writing with her came so naturally and talk about comedic chemistry!

It was so nice to be able to do something that made people laugh.

I need to laugh on days like these.

Sadness has begun to take its toll.

but Charlotte said something that made me smile, and made me feel so appreciated in a world and time where and when I don't feel so much so:

"Some people I know bitch about everything, and some people who are going through only half of what you are going through drone on endlessly about their miseries. You don't - you laugh. That in my book is quite amazing. You know hpk, you truly are a joy and a gift to all those people who have you in their lives. You always laugh, and that is just wonderful."

I was almost in tears. 

What a wonderful thing to say!

Amazing how a few little words could go so far in healing this wounded spirit and body...

I need to hear things like that these days.

Thank you Charlotte!!

all the way in croatia!

Originally uploaded by ivanarezek

Well, my image has made its way to Croatia.
A little message about my struggle with bipolar disorder. How death played such a major role in my life back then, even as much as living, back when the two options were oddly interchangeable.

I hope those who see this image are moved, and made more aware about mental illness, and the devastating effects it has on everybody's life.

This is for you Bob, for you Phillipe. Two beautiful people who died too young - who took their lives because of their overwhelming struggle with depression.

That is what photography is about.
Changing a life, one shutter click at a time.

and that's 200$ please

"the visit is covered by medicare, but that's another 200$ for your next ultrasound of the breast tissue..."

200$ for the follow up ultrasound from last year's 2nd biggest scare (first, the precancerous cells on the cervix, lump in breast tissue, a close 2nd, but not by much)

waited 3 hours for my GP today. Was in tears when I saw her.

The pain, unbearable.

Spoke with the nurse there, told her my symptoms. She was from Syria and trained to be a doctor (women's health) but decided to become a nurse instead.

We both theorized what this could be. We both ran down the symptoms. We were both perplexed.

"and all the ultrasounds and MRI and CT scans found nothing?"

I was used to saying this.

"no no no - nothing at all"

"But you are in so much pain. Your blood pressure is up. It's obvious you are suffering a great deal."

"heavy narcotics help, but only so much..."

"I hope they find out what this is."

me too...

Breast doc next week.

G-scope in two mondays, and then surgery two days after that.

Must remember to take the paper that says I'm "a bleeder". Don't want a repeat of the last surgery where i needed 4 pints of blood to stabilize me.

I should bank my blood. Get some cash to pay my medical bills.

Wait a minute, I can't sell it. I have Von Wilderbrand's disease.

It would be so very fucken nice to be healthy, and to have money to pay for all this care...

retraction...

Sent on April 12, 2010:

(in reference to the jpg a copy of the invite I sent to him...)

Hi HPK - Awesome. :-) I feel silly for getting uptight... it's happened to me before so I jumped the gun. Anyway, your invites look great - really - and I'm glad you were able to get something cool. The way it was worded and the frame of mind I was in, I thought you flexed your digital muscles to recreate my sample! Next time I should just ask :-)

Best to you, and have a great wedding.

M

Yeaaaaa.

M, thank you for offering to design my wedding invites, but I have already taken to flexing my photoshop and illustrator muscles and create my own "retro wedding invitation."

Hpk

To be honest, I've been a bit taken aback by your note. On one level, I am glad you have a solution for your invites. On a more disturbing level, I hope your invites look *nothing* like the sample I have online. My work is protected under copyright law -- it's original work -- and the time I spent creating it and posting it here was not for the purpose of hoping people copy it on their own because they don't want to pay me to reproduce my original art. I do pursue copyright infringement.

Please advise,

Thanks,

M

Hi M,

Do not worry, your invites DO NOT look like anything you have done! I merely used your "retro/vintage" feel/mood for my own. I used a simple modified circle, and just put our names and dates below. Very simple, almost minimalist with absolutely no design whatsoever...

hpk

GEEEZE!!!

Take a chill pill douchebag...

exhaustion...

geeze.
Can't spell anymore...


well, spoke with the doc's secretary. Surgery scheduled sometime during the last week of the month. G-scope same week. I'm aiming for that golden bedpan - frequent flyer miles except this one is for hospital visits.

The last scope revealed nothing. The gastro doc had mentioned that I should see a urologist to cover all my bases. What's next? Heart? Lung? Brain?

Ouf. Just should have a scan done of the whole body. That's it, that's all.

Seeing the breast doc in two weeks to address the lump issue.
Psych doc will just have to wait. Unless i have a meltdown before then. Fingers crossed that it does not happen...


What is keeping my spirit up is the hope that I will be well enough to visit my family in B.C. And if things go well, E will be heading down to California for work, so that means I could hitch a ride with him. It won't be in L.A, but close enough to the shore for me to enjoy it. Just hope to GOD that it does not slide into the water while i'm there. With my luck, it might...

And also have been looking at images from the tourist videos of New Brunswick. Every time i watch this, it brings tears to my eyes. The sheer beauty is something that I want to experience in person before I die.

E is on board with me on this, but thinks that we will have to do it next year (hoping he will get some sort of raise, because after 6 years of nothing, we are getting pretty desperate. No money in the bank at all. Zero. Living from paycheck to paycheck) also because to hike to the best spots, is a 4-5 hour uphill journey. He has trouble going up stairs now. I don't want to kill him!

but i look at this and hope for the best, cause that is all I can do. That is all we can ever do...

the pain is incredible

I can hardly walk

have left desperate messages with all my docs but nobody has called me back

I'm ready to take a knife to myself to figure out what is going on

why is this happening? Why can nobody find out what the fuck is going on?!

why can't i find a doctor who cares enough to really get their hands dirty and get down to the root cause of this thing...

i am so fed up

the pain, oh god, the pain...

will try again 2mrw, but i have fears about being left at the emergency ward for 6 hours, in pain, no help in sight.

Something is slowing down in my body.

Things have become foggy. 

Have lost the ability to spell properly. 

Can't find my words, failing memory but it's happening quickly.

Something serious is going on. 

I just hope somebody figures it out before things 

get so serious that they can't fix it...

Καλό Πάσχα and Happy Easter, and Happy clean insides, and happy birthday!

Good things do come in threes, or fours in this case...

Greek Orthodox Easter and Catholic Easter fall on the same day - which does not happen often, and apparently, i have nice insides, the temperatures to climb into the high 20's, and oh yea, my birthday all on the same day!


So today and over the weekend, I will put aside the fact that I have put on a bunch of fat since i have not been able to exercise because of the pain, I will try not to focus on the pain which continues to plague me, and I will try not to focus on the fact that this thing will perhaps remain a medical mystery and I will have to live with this debilitating and crippling pain the rest of my life.

Because today it is beautiful outside, the sun is shining, and Sunday will be my birthday.

So for this reason, I will celebrate and try to forget the bad and remember the small joys in life.

my photography...

Hi K, I believe that your work shows that photography is not always pleasant to look at but that we need to see things to be able to appreciate how other people are experiencing their lives. Keep up the brilliant work.


best wishes, 
Roger



Wow.
What a compliment.

I just got this from somebody who saw my work on artween.com.

I have my blue series up there, and a bunch of other stuff that is not "beautiful" or "sexy", and that is just fine by me.

My photography is a tool for healing, education, teaching, and sharing.

I'm happy that it has touched somebody's life.

And that's what it's all about...

the great expedition

I'm a broken woman.
Sobbing has become as natural and as involuntary as breathing.

The waiting is excruciating.
After countless calls to his secretary, nurse and his office, gastro doc has not returned any of my calls. Yes he is the head of gastric surgery now, but he has always been responsive in the past. Aside from showing up with my insides bleeding and oozing from my eyes, perhaps my only other option is to show up inside out.

I hope they are not mining for tumors, but the possibility is very real and very there...



* a few hours later...


gastro doc's secretary has just called me. She assured me that "we are going to get to the bottom of this", and that if a) his resident can't see me, then they would fax the requisition to the private clinic (colon and gastroscopy) but as I had emphasized, that if the pain got bad, then I would go through the emergency.

That means I have to talk to specialist doctor # 2. Another area completely but just as serious.

I told gastro doc's secretary: "in an ideal scenario, I could have the laparoscopy and both scopes done all at once. We shall see.

but at this point, I am on multiple pain killers and nothing is working.

Ah perchance to sleep, but unless I can remove the rest of my body from the neck down, I'm out of luck...

Because I still struggle with this...

as promised, and long overdue, my first sound 16mm student film. I made this during the first year of (my 2nd degree) Film Production specialization in what is now called the Mel Hoppenheim school of cinema.

The sound is crap, i know. The picture is shitty but the idea is there and for now,

that is all that matters...

(tip - click on the little square between the bars and the "Vimeo" logo". This way you can see it larger, which is better...)


Clair Obscure - a visual autobiography from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

I did everything here, aside from act.

That is my voice you hear. This is my experience you are seeing.

My professor warned me about the pitfalls about making a film on mental illness, because it was a complicated subject, and because i was a rookie, there was a fine line that needed to be balanced upon - because too serious or too light and the message would not come across as intended. I'd either end up with a bad comedy or a bad horror film.

But i was determined, and for 6 months of my life, i was this film in ever sense of the word. And my professor as well as a few close friends and family believed in me when nobody else did. And the day i had my final "rough cut", 12 people were stunned silent for minutes as they absorbed the film they just saw.

And this film has gone on to touch lives, win awards and open minds to what is the major leading cause of illness next to cancer - mental illness.

After the past two years of my public struggle with manic depression, the urgency to put this film "out there" and embark on a new project has come, but I have to lay the foundations first.

This film has already won numerous awards, brought many people to tears, but in the end, it was about sharing my story with the world, and i think that after all is said and done, perhaps this is my purpose in life - to illuminate, educate and reach out to those who are familiar and not so familiar with this disease.

So the next time somebody says that mental illness is not real, tell them from somebody who suffers from it - mental illness is a cancer of the mind and spirit.

it's real, and this film and i are living proof...

i am the little filmmaker that could...

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman..

I got an email from one of my new docs.

he has a long complicated last name, so everybody calls him Dr. K

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman, can you please help me?

i was in tears when I wrote that, so fed up from getting the run around, no replies to my phone calls - in general, making my way through the medical system has been hell...

but a ray of light

no problem HPK, we will see you this Wednesday


Dr. 

one step at a time.

That's one doctor on board for problem # 1
waiting for doctor number two about problem # 2

seeing my head shrinker the same day as Dr. K., 2 hours later.
Thank God they are in the same hospital. I hope psyhc doc is as willing to help me much as Dr K.


f and t's crossed...

between a rock and a cancerous hard place...

High grade precancerous cells on cervix -  3 times


total hysterectomy + no cervix = no cervical cancer.


but


"Your risk of vaginal cancer increases following a hysterectomy." **


life between a rock and a cancerous hard place...



and that still doesn't answer the question to medical mystery problem # 2...



life as me - fun isn't it?

it just does not stop...

I'm cursed.

This shit does not stop.

Went to see my doc the other day.
She wants to send me to another specialist. As soon as possible.
Our insurance is already maxed out from 4 ultrasounds, two specialized tests and one MRI. This is going to bankrupt us. And we are not even in the U.S!!

wtf?

nice to have money it would be...


but we don't and that's the reality.

Nobody in their right mind would hire me now. I'm sick too often, and mom has been in and out of hospitals for years. I need to take care of her if she needs me.

I need to take care of myself.

Another shocker, the doctor told me: "we might have to look into this radical surgical procedure in the near future. You did have problems in the past..."

I almost cried on the spot.

I went home and cried like a baby for hours and hours.

This would totally be a lifestyle change.
No more running or any strenuous activity. Ever again...
Not to mention 3-4 months rehabilitation time...


going to be 42 on april 4th.

Happy fucken birthday to me.

This year started off in the hospital, i wonder where i will spend my birthday?

I have tried to call my other doctor (yet another bodypart gone bad) and he has yet to return my calls.

nothing.

Waiting and waiting.

I have waited 3 months in severe pain and will have to wait another one to see anybody. And this after being put standby on a cancelation list.

I'm so fed up. Ultimately fed up and let down.
And oh yea, did I mention that I'm bipolar as well?

Times like this i wish I had just taken the leap into the unknown so many years ago. Ended it all. One last breath and no more pain.

regret is a dangerous thing.
Almost as dangerous as suicide...

Really. I mean, really!?!?

Really. I mean REALLY?
You got to give me a fucken break...

this just goes to show you that being an actual "skilled photographer" these days means absolute shit. Any kid can pick up a digital camera and call themselves "an artist".


case in point...
this person got the People's choice award.

I know this person and must say that it's a shame that he did not get the top prize.
This man is brilliant. He is a male Cindy Sherman. All those people in the photo? All him. I was lucky enough to meet 2Fik and must say, that it won't be long before his work will be at the Centre Pompidou in France.

but that other person?
REALLY?!?!
I mean, wtf?

I was sooo utterly discouraged when i saw that.
Seems like my "blue series" that i submitted did not even make a blip on the radar.

Photography, is now becoming even more like show business. It's not what you do, it's who you know. It's not about skill but the right way to market yourself to the right people.

What's next? a 7 year old who takes the world by storm with her 'brilliant self portraits"?

"oh, i was bored and daddy left his camera behind when he went to work. I just pressed a few buttons, and I made some pretty pictures..."

Time to hang up my camera.
Seriously.


I have no strength to fight this shit anymore.
It's a lose lose battle.

Things just keep on getting worse.

e was on his way to pay his license and registration.
he got nabbed by the cops at random.
400$ ticket, plus 350$ for the registration he was just about to pay.

and that is just the most recent bad luck this poor boy has had.

when it rains...

When you think things can't get any worse, they usually do...

I'm too sick to work. We have no money.
The sky is falling and i have a hole in my umbrella.

take me away...

Haitian art fun

somebody put a $10 bid on my photo.
What a surprise that was.
I was not expecting anything at all.


anything I can get for my art these days (attention wise) is a bonus.

I'm thinking of hanging up my camera for a while. Along with my writing cap, and rest of my tools of the trade.



Life has become overwhelming. The pain and ache of regret and sadness is suffocating me. Lead feet, alcaline mind, eyes suspended in acid. My medications have once again, begun to crap out on me.

Bipolar is not a myth.
Bipolar is not something one can "just snap out of"
Bipolar is my mental cancer.

Depression actually kills your heatlhy braincells.

Cancer of the mind...


and the medical mystery lives on.
The pain - two months and still no answers.
Go ahead, cut me open and poke around my insides.

I'm already bedridden most of the time, so this will be a walk in the park compared to what I've been through...