A letter to a friend...

My friend S's wife is going for an MRI scan today. Doctors are curious as to her health problems so they are doing a round of tests.

Talk about coincidence. Mom was supposed to have hers today except the machine broke...

what I wrote to him:


My prayers are with you and F. From what you tell me, she sounds like a strong woman, I have faith that she will be okay. Please keep me posted too.

My mom's scan has been postponed till the weekend. The machine broke down yesterday. How messed up is that??? But she is taking it all in stride. better than I am actually. I have been a bag of nerves as of late. These meds have me climbing walls - not a pretty sight. I can't even turn to my photography to help me - and that's really sad.

How are you doing on your meds? It's so hard to find a sympathetic doctor these days. Mine is a rookie, using me as his "training wheels" in terms of mix and match creative pharmacology, which I don't find amusing.

I am looking for a more compassionate doctor, but that's not easy to find.

I'm getting nervous over the nyc show - it's a group show, sure, but I am really scared that it might open more doors for me. How weird is that? I'm into self-sabotage, have been for ages, and it's only when the meds are not working when I fall deeply into it. When the meds were working - many moons ago, I felt alive and full of possibilities. I made my films, worked in the industry, and when that fell through, seamlessly segued into photography school until the anti-depressants bottomed out. I'm wondering (and in the back of my mind, scared shitless) that if I have to bottom out 110% like I did when I was 19 in order to bounce back again.

But the fact remains, I'm not 19 again - 20 years later and wiser, yes, but also a little weaker and worn. With all that has happened in the past year, I really don't know what will suffer more in the rebound - my physical health or mental state. Perhaps both, but I guess only time will tell.

My dear, I have to cut this short as I have to get out of the house. I've been lying in bed for the past three days, not getting any fresh air. My lungs are filled with musty stagnant melancholy for summer and warm weather - I must embrace the change of seasons and march out into the cold like the Nordic trooper we canucks are born to be.