sigh...

55$ later and my package to Rhonda's Gallery in Chelsea has been sent off. I must have agonized over 500 + pictures to pick the best 150. But it's done and that's one thing off my to do list which has me breathing a little easier.

Saw my doctor today - more mood stabilizers. Not a good thing for the artist's soul.

This is a letter to a friend of mine who is going through the same thing, and then some hearbreak on top of it all. She's trying to find a solution without meds cause her body can't tolerate the chemical. It all started me thinking - and then I typed this as a stream of though.

Re-reading it I realize that I should be following my own advice, but that is easier said than done especially to an uppity knotted mind.

Oh Sweetie - you are writing the story of my life!!!
First, I am sooo sorry for all the thing that happened with Him. As much as it hurts, please know that this is the best thing for you. Looking from an outsider's perspective, he was toxic. I just had a vibe, and knowing you, seeing what he did to you when you spoke of him - your whole presence changed. It was that strong and that much of a contrast - the change in your face, tone of voice and especially in your eyes, it was obvious he was causing you so much pain. I have no doubt that the good times were unbelievable times of passion and love, but that is the greatest dilemma - what do you sacrifice? Peace of mind after the pain has healed or live the passion until it quite literally kills you?

I'm sure your insides are turning upside down - no doubt that your ulcers are burning a hole through your stomach because of this (and other things, but I'm sure this makes it worse), but please believe me when I saw that this is not an ending but a new beginning.

The heart is a resilient organ and even when broken, this muscle - strained and battered will continue to beat.

The mind on the other hand, is a different story, and even thought the two are inexorably linked, one can function independently of the other...

Ahh - the mind.
I had a huge discussion with my doctor today. I tell him all the shit that I'm going through and lace into him for wanting to put me on anti-psychotics...

Then I asked him - what is the lesser of two evils? I am still wondering - suffer from crazy ups and downs which almost put me up in the hospital because my body goes on auto-pilot/ self-destruct while try to ride the creativity when it crests, or take a mood stabilizer and become a sheet of cardboard - flat as beige against a rainbow of color, devoid of all feeling and soul?

Do you think that all great art has to come from suffering?
and do you think that everything you have gone through in the past, the suffering you've experienced has turned you into the unique individual you are already in the way you see the world?

Imagine a photographer realizing he is going blind, but the one thing that will keep him from losing his sight is a drug that makes him miserable. Which do you think he'll chose?

ha!
Stumped him with that one

but the fact remains - I need to find a happy medium to keep the balance in my life without jeopardizing myself and my health. Sure, I could end up in the hospital or in a casket, but who would that benefit? But then again, if I can dance on the edge of the knife of sanity and produce amazing soul stirring art, why not?
Isn't that what my life is about?

but to find a happy medium...
I know where you are coming from.

he suggested more lamotrogine - that shit turns me into a foggy sponge - loss of memory and emotion. He also said epival and zyprexa - but with horrible side effects. What's the best thing? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell myself and impart that wisdom on you too my dear. it's times like this I try to turn to prayer - if not for answers, then to find strength within myself.

Have you heard about cbt? and this book?
I have to read it again and again. It does help - it puts into perspective life patters and how we self-sabotage ourselves, but the key is getting to open the book and beleive that it will help. That's the toughest part.

I often think that all psychiatrists should have experienced mania/depression at least once in their lives in order to treat it better, otherwise they are just reading from textbooks and spewing crooked pharmacological poetry to the wounded massed.

On that note my dear, I must take a rest. I spent all day running around and after peaking last night I am worn down. But I send you lots of love and positive vibes.

And the photo thing - how about opening up another account? Or blocking him? it would be such a shame to not see your photos anymore. They were my inspiration - seriously.

It's thanks to you that my photographic vision changed into one that is more refined and less fluffy. Through the pain comes gain - even though that sounds twisted, it somehow rings true. We just got to know that to someone out there, our existence has made a difference in somebody's life, as yours my dear, has made in mine.