lotsa things

so on friday, mom got the news:

all clear!

We couldn't believe our ears - was this possible? Did the treatment really work??! Could it be?

Well, according to her doc, the cancer is gone, and they are going to do a backup round of IL2 just to be on the safe side; like antibiotics, you have to do the whole treatment even if you feel better -just to be on the safe side..

but oh what a releif!!

But oddly enough, the first thing that went through my mind is: now it's our of her body, who's body will it enter into next?

how horrible is that?

I'm really working hard on changing my thinking patterns - but after a year of exhausting emotional roller coaster rides, it's easy for the mind and spirit to slip into dark murky waters. 

but for now, she's in the clear.

and i'm planning my wedding in June!

Lots of little things to do add up to a big to-do list, but i'm trying to take it all in stride so far. I never thought it would be so complicated (least complicated being eloping), but i have a feeling it will all work out in the end, as things always seem to.

so on that note, i'm taking a well deserved little rest for a while - to reflect, reconnect and rebuild for the future and for my sanity!

(and Jal: ;-) xoxo)

happy holidays

i have been hiding - from a lot of things, one of them being myself and my feelings, fears, wishes, and desires.

not a good thing

so on this day before xmas, I decided to return to something that has given me such joy over the past few years - and to wish all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers a merry Christmas and a wonderful happy healthy new year.

looking back to my previous posts, I have to say that 2008 has been one of the worst years on record, so lets all hope that 2009 will be a little easier.

mom's treatment is over - it was sheer hell in so many ways. She is doing better, and cooking and entertaining tomorrow. My grandmother is coming from the home to spend time with us - which will be nice.

i'm planning my wedding! Got the hall, priest, church and most of all - the dress (that was the first thing to fall into place).
Got a new light kit - hopefully i will be able to move forward in my pursuit of photographic excellence.
and life goes on - i'm making a promise to myself to stay healthy, work out on a regular basis (maybe a 1/2 marathon in my future?) and learn to relax.

tall orders, but i seem to be at peace with things so far - things are calm this christmas eve, as that's the way they should be.

thank you all for being out there, for caring, for listening.
oxoxox

the storm before the storm

things have been happening at lightening pace - many good things, but too many bad things as well...

mom is going in for round two of treatment, and the first one was so brutal, it makes me weep thinking about how hard it was for her.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last - this front of calm and strength.

The foundations are already cracked - the storm is coming. Flood waters rising...

my own health is going down the tubes. I fear that I might be developing a heart arrhythmia. I don't want to involve my mother in this. She is having enough of a hard time with life now.

It just keeps coming.
And it does not stop.

but either it will, or my body, or I will.

Or my will to fight it all.

a letter to a friend...

today, feeling so very vulnerable - a letter to a brilliant photographer and kindred spirit...


Hey R,
Thanks so much for touching base with me. I was really happy when you did - every little email goes a long way to help bring me out of the slump I have fallen into. I'm sure you put two and two together when I made that comment on your photo "speed limit"...

So how have you been?
well, my health - it's so up and down. I had a horrible dream that the doctor's office called to tell me I have cervical cancer - I know, a dream is just a dream, but still shook me up enough to haunt me for the past two days. Guess it's that my mom's 3 month PET scan is coming up - and next week, she gets the results. Perhaps I'm projecting, imagining what it would be like to be in her shoes, and it's not pretty. It blows my mind to see how strong she is and has been through this whole thing. I don't think I have even 1/100 of her guts as I find myself falling apart at the seams on a regular basis.

So I had this procedure to scrape off the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. Not a huge operation - done in office, but it still was a medical procedure along with needles and lots of industrial medical device noise. Thought I was hemorrhaging last week when all of the sudden, the bleeding got worse. Had to go back to the same doc to see what was up. I don't imagine that a prostate exam is any walk in the park, but for a woman to be lying down, legs spread open to the world is perhaps one of the most vulnerable places to be - physically and mentally.
Not a pretty place at all...

so it wasn't hemorrhaging, but a part of the healing process. My body was not happy - i guess the trauma had shaken everything up cause I felt sicker and achier, more emotionally vulnerable and volatile (on top of my bipolar which seems not to be managed very well lately). Shaken, not stirred - and ready to pop. So it's been really hard on me, not to mention everybody else around me.

I have seemed to abandoned photography and flickr. Funny, the thing that I used to save me in times of pain and fear has now turned into pain and fear. I once told somebody that manic depression is a mental cancer. Now that I reflect upon it again, it feels so much to be true. It's always there, can be manageable, but when it comes back, it's usually full force - relentless in its erosion of anything healthy - thoughts, hopes, dreams.

sorry to ramble on like this.
I sit here contemplating whether to delete this chunk of email or not, but perhaps in exposing these demons, I can begin to understand them and keep them from overtaking my life...

I see your photos and each and every one of them transports me to another world. You have a signature style, but no two images are even remotely alike. A quiet, yet profound maturity - a weathered soul with wisdom and insight garnered through years of hardship and joy. You really have such a gift, and in allowing the viewer to suspend their connection with their own present state, and enter yours through your photography, there truly is a healing element in that. I thank you for letting me heal through your images.

I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!!

I GOT MY LICENSE THIS AFTERNOON!

And I am so flipping overjoyed and relieved!!!!!!


all night it rained, and all night I kept on dreaming of how my first time drive in the rain - during an exam, was going to be the death of me - that I would skid off the road, not see clearly enough because there would be such a torrential downpour (we were actually having weather bulletins
issued on the weather network last night!), the windshield wipers would not be able to keep up, but alas, the sky was overcast, and a few droplets while i took my test run down there, but when I got into the car - no rain!!!

And what a relief that was!

already nervous like hell, i was hoping and praying for a friendly test person. The woman before me had one who was smiling, laughing, polite and kind. My luck, I'll get a grumpy one. And that I did.

He was young too - not more than 25, but filled to the brim with a cocky self-righteous attitude. I knew things were going to be tricky when I asked him kindly in french if he could give me the directions in english because French was not my mother tongue and I was a bit nervous.

He paused, and then without looking at me he said as a question:
S'il vous plait?

ARRRRRRRRGGHH!!

Same as asking somebody - "didn't you forget to say please?"

MotherFkr.

Oh mais oui!! Excusez moi - s'il vous plait?

off to a bad start. This was not good at all. I feared for the worst.

I tried to make small talk along the way - telling him about how I prayed for it not to rain today, and how every day that I was supposed to practice on a rainy day - the skies would open up and the sun would shine through - a miracle in reverse. He kinda smiled for that one.

the trip was short - 15-20 minutes tops. It was when we got back to park I began to panic again...

Parallel parking - on a sidewalk - two cars in front and behind you. That's what I was told parallel parking was, and I had it down to a science that I would conduct with my eyes closed and driving with my toes. What way does he ask me to park? Shopping mall parking lot parking.

Technically, that is a form of parallel parking, but not the kind everybody told me to study for!! So I tried to squeeze into a spot and it was close. When I asked him "i guess i might be too close to the guy next to me?" , he replied with a snarky comment:
"Well, what do you think?"

Ohh oh. Didn't like that tone of voice....


but I managed to straighten out the car, put it in park, and turned off the ignition. He pointed out a few things - lane changes, I slow down instead of speeding up, but he gave me a whole pontificating litany on how I was too close, and why did I keep on going so close when I saw that i was already close...

I was sure that i was going to fail, and was ready for those two painful words, but alas, after his little sermon on the art of parallel parking and all the things I did wrong, which went in through one ear and out the other, he said: "Otherwise, you drive well, so congratulations - you passed the exam."

I felt like shaking his hand and jumping up and down, but he was cold and snarky. Don't want to push my luck by leaning over to give him a hug.

And as I walked inside the bureau, I saw my mom waiting for me and flashed her a huge smile - she knew what that meant.


so after 20 years of having my learners permit, i finally FINALLY got my license!!!

Yippie!!
now i will nap cause I didn't sleep last night, and all that stress pre-exam has made me exhausted.

paradise lost

Before

I got these images from a friend who went to the same little place called paradise, that is paradise no more after hurricane Ike.

it was a hotel called Club Covarrubias in Holguin Cuba. I was there about 5 years ago and from what I remember, and what I'm seeing now, it rips my heart to shreds to see it look so bad.


Hurricane Ike hit the region very hard. About 2 hours from the Holguin Airport, Las Tunas, a really small region in the middle of nowhere was a secluded spot of heaven on earth.

The before and after photos are not mine, but I just had to post them so you can get an idea of what kind of devastation we are talking about.

the breakfast hut was leveled. It was right on the beach. It was a miracle that nobody was killed or seriously injured.

How long will it take until the hotel is restored to its former beauty? Nobody really knows. Cuba is still a communist state and any kind of supplies are hard to come by.

After

and speaking of rain...

still no rain today and my exam is 2mrw. And guess what is forecast for 2mrw? Showers. I told my mother that she could sit on the roof of the car and carry a hose with her so it would feel/look like rain, so at least I will get some feeling as to what it's like to drive in it. But as it stands now, 2mrw will be an experience. I'm trying not to think about bombing the exam, but my stomach is in knots and i hope I won't puke at the first downpour.

wish me luck...

rain rain go away...

I have been waiting all week to practice driving in the rain. It's sunny now. Not a good thing.

My driving exam is Monday, and the forecast is heavy showers.

I have never driven in the rain. Ever.
The last time it was pouring, E made his way home in the torrential downpour, and I kid you not, the moment that I stepped into the drivers side, the clouds broke and out came the sun.

How fucked up is that?!?!

So I'm so nervous. I hate rain, especially when I'll be driving in it for the first time in my life, and for the first time in 20 years, taking my exam.

I'm beyond nervous, I'm sick to my stomach ill.

So wish me luck people.
If I fail, I won't be around for while, too disturbed to do anything other than weep.

And Emma in the U.K, than you so much for visiting and your kind message the other day. It means so much to me that you cared enough to drop by and wish me well. God bless you and your family!
xo

My cervix is falling! My cervix is falling!

Phew...
went to see the doc yesterday cause I thought I was getting some sort of nasty infection - or something. My hoho didn't feel right - felt as if it was going to fall out. Seriously. The most bizarre sensation that I have ever felt in my life. Funny thing my body, up to a week before the operation, I was blocked up solid. A few hours after? I'm running to the bowl non stop. And the final last push often had me wailing in pain. "This can't be happening! Not now!" I shouted to my mom as she sat perplexed and helpless in the next room.

"Oh my dear! Is there anything I can do?"

And really, there was nothing that she could have done.

I popped immodium like a kid eating candy on Halloween, which, normally should have blocked me up till next year, but alas, the surgical assault on my body put my inner plumbing into overdrive - dry heaving after the three needles to numb my stubborn cervix, kept on pumping out the sewage at record speed.

not fun.

but a few days later, the storm subsided and life seemed to return to normal, until Tuesday, and the chaos began again...

I began to bleed - really bad. A lot. More than usual. A cause for alarm. Felt weak, about as strong as a wet piece of paper. Dizzy and clumsy. Exhausted and foggy. Was I hemorrhaging? I couldn't tell for sure. Did all that pushing finally shake something loose inside? Was my cervix really falling this time? (I knew it wasn't but it sure felt like it...)

The pain became almost unbearable. That ripping, shredding sensation was surreal and I began to panic. Was this normal? So long after the procedure?


Called the office - the nurse said to come down right away. An infection at that site could be really tricky to deal with if it's progressed to the surrounding tissue. Just what I needed...

Got there - this place is always full. Makes me think of what a betting area of a race track would look like. A hodge podge of anxious faces, waiting to be seen as soon as possible. The wait, an obvious strain apparent in their vacant stares. Almost full term mothers about to pop, pre, perio and post meopausal women fighting off hot flashes in this overly chilly air conditioned room, and a handful of anxious your ladies coming in for their first gyno exam or pap. All wanting to be seen as soon as possible. Get this over and done with fast. As soon as possible. Time is ticking, and the suspense is killing me...

I mean, who looks forward to seeing their gynecologist!?
I know I don't...

An uppity high society woman sat next to me, tapping on her pristine copy of the latest issue of Vogue magazine. Huffing and puffing into the air.
"this is ridicilous! I'm going to get you into see another doctor!"

She strutted up to the window and leaned in, ready for a catty confrontation.

"Excuse me miss. My daughter and I have been waiting here for the past hour and a half. What is the holdup?"

a muffled voice from behind the glass replied.

"yes, but she has school and I have to get her back to class. I don't understand - people have been coming in and out, many who have just come in and are being seen before us. Why is this happening?"

mumble mumble, doctors, mumble mumble, best we can, mumble mumble, please mumble mumble, as soon as possible...

She was pissed.

Her shiny Gucci loafers stomped back to her spot in the chair next to me. Huffing and puffing like a locomotive at rush hour, she snapped: "this is absolutley ridiculous!", making sure everybody around her and on the upper floors heard.

You can imagine my surprise, and fear for my life when just 15 minutes after my arrival, and two minutes after her tirade, my name as called. I was sure that the back of my head was going to be her target for the hard spine of a flying magazine...

The nurse was sweet and concerned. I gave her the rundown. She told me that everything would be okay and that the doctor would be in to see me shortly. I shivered beneath the thin cotton gown, another draped over my legs for warmth.

On the monitor in the corner was a still shot of a previous exam. I'll spare you the details, but it was not the kind of information I needed to see about the previous patient...

what a horrible looking desktop image i said to myself. Couldn't laugh too loud. But what a funny thought. Was thinking of passing that by the doc, but wasn't too sure if he would have found it as funny as I did, so I decided to keep it to myself.

He came in and said hi, a young intern, stiff and freshly academic by his side.

How are you Miss K? What can we do for you today?

i gave him my shopping list of symptoms, and questions. He was kind and concerned, but assured me that there was no real cause for alarm. After some poking and prodding, examining and having a session of medical show and tell, he surmised:

"well, you just have your period. There are no abrasions or cuts from the site, just a little tenderness, which is to be expected. I'm going to give you some antibiotics just to be on the safe side"

So that was it. Nothing to be worried about. Phew!
I was still in pain, and bleeding like a river, but at least I was assured that the healing had begun.

I thanked him, he told me to make sure to come back for the 6 month follow up and then was on my way out.

Walked up to the nurse (who's name was exactly the same as mine, and she was really sweet) and told her what happened.

"I know the other secretary told me that if they get the results, and everything is normal, they won't call, but can you call me nonetheless? I'm going to be waiting on pins and needles for the next 4-6 weeks, I just want to be sure."

"Oh no problem at all! I'm happy that the exam showed nothing serious. Take care of yourself. Everything is going to be alright." she squeezed my hand and smiled. I'm sure that I'm not the first worried woman she had encountered today.

and as I turned around to go, out of the corner of my eye, I saw madame vogue and her now teary eyed teenage daughter, who almost 45 minutes ago saw me walk down the hall into the examining room, coming back out again, look at me with daggers in their eyes. My wobbly legs were way ahead of the rest of my body in trying to find the nearest exit to escape to!

no excuses

love this - no excuses for the lapses in time between posts...

had the surgery on friday - painful and traumatic - quick and crappy.
cells of my cervix scraped away that were, in fact, pre-cancerous
waiting 4-6 weeks for the pathology report

went to the photosenstive thing - that was the only highlight of the past three weeks. We met some amazing people - cancer survivors. That alone is what gave me the strength not to fall apart on the gyno's table friday morning.

and this made me smile. Need lots of that now...

blogging without obligation

After coming across what seemed to be the 4000th or so post on someone's blog starting with "I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile." I decided it is time to rethink what makes a good blog and the expectations that have come to be part of it. I am thinking that no one should utter those words again . . .and with that thought I give you Blogging Without Obligation.

If you feel the same way feel free to grab the logo, make a logo or whatever you would like to do!

I release all the logos, thoughts and words mentioned here about this concept into public domain. Take the idea and run with it... or walk away. It is all good.

• Because you shouldn't have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.

• Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.

• Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.

• Because sometimes less is more.

• Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.

• Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.

• Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be "bloggable".

• Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won't be a chore. Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .
  

hahhahhahhhaahah

oh I love this place so much. Whenever I feel like utter crap, I browse some of their brilliant cards and laugh until I pee my pants.

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

what does this mean?
Well, something is wrong with my liver

lovely...

Got results from blood tests from my doctor today. He said it's nothing to be really alarmed about, but because they are high, they should be investigated, so I'm email my gastroenterologist 2mrw with lots of questions.


My body is falling apart.
Hit 40 -
don't go past GO.
Return to sender.
Payment Past Due.


euchhhguh

went to the gym thought.
thought I'd get as much exercise in as I could before I have to be "not doing any strenuous work or exercises that can get your heart rate up" - because since I'm going to have some pieces of me scraped out, and my previous history of being a bleeder, it's not a good thing to be too physically active until the old bat cave heals up.

but on the upside - driving is coming along. Not afraid of lane changes so much as I am afraid of these really fucked up drivers in this city. I shake my head every time I see someone go through a red light, cut off somebody or become outrageously agressive for no reason. Being behind the wheel gives you a whole new perspective on life on the road, and it's not pretty.

but i will try to emit rose petals instead of carbon monoxide from my car as I drive around and around...

some asshole posted this on my facebook page after I put up this picture and wrote about my mom and I being a part of the exhibit:

"fuck uuuu, fuck your mom....."

I am speechless...


let him have cancer and see how bold he feels about that then...

prick

I just got a call from the doctor's office -
I had the test done for a cancer screening two weeks ago.
The nurse told me to call her back as soon as possible because the doctor wants to talk about treatments

I'm sobbing so fucken hard I can hardly type this
E is coming home. But I'm now going out for a walk.
I don't' want to have cancer - not now.
I'm due to take my driver's exam on the 15th and am part of this fucken amazing photo project with two women...long story
I don't have the energy to say more.
just wanted you to know what was going on

today was such a nice day - was going to go for a swim in the pool park
now I'm in fear for my life and the "treatment"

please pray for me

I don't know what happened - things seemed to be going so well, and then I came back from camping - into civilization and it all began to fall apart and lightening speed.

Things have been dark and bleak for no other reason than I just feel shitty.
Trying to dig deep within myself to pull out of this blackness, but every effort is strained, raw, echoing bitterness for this black cloud that hangs over me.

I did meet two amazing women the other night - and with that, and the prospect of a collaborative project in the works, things might just turn around for me. I look forward to working closely with them. It felt so good to connect with the outside world - and with women who are strong, intelligent, creative and beautiful.

I have been trying to go swimming every other day - three times last week at the public pool. Oh how wonderful it was to feel buoyant! It's easy to forget how to float, but once in the water, I swam with speed and ease. Weightlessness never looked so good on me. Whenever I feel melancholy, my sinuses remind me of the bitter residue of chlorine that is still stuck in there, and I can't help but wince in pain and smile because of the memory it brings.

But the public outdoor pools will be closing soon - i feel sad that I had missed a whole summer of what could have been a whole summer outside swimming, but I can't think that way. I look forward to swimming indoors and taking lessons soon to perfect my strokes, feel even more confident in the water.

The NLP seems to have eluded me - all that I learned has faded into a pale memory. I wonder if hypnosis would not have been better for me.

but I can't think like that.
must interrupt the negative thinker
must interrupt
must stop
must
must

hidden passion numero uno

I do these things for fun - and tarot.com had a freebe so I said why not?

I need some guidance anyway...


Your Hidden Passion Number is 1

You have a strong drive to stand out. You have a great ambition and desire to accomplish. You are highly competitive and want to be the best and the first in everything you do. You are highly energetic and creative. You are capable of influencing and even dominating others. You have highly developed political skills, and can succumb to manipulation unless your ideals are high.

Ironically, there are times when you lack confidence, especially at an earlier age, but you have the strength to overcome this obstacle.

You are a survivor, a warrior, a leader. Many great athletes and politicians have this number as a Hidden Passion.

life path # 5

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often lands them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

The key to your personality is freedom. You love travel, adventure, variety and meeting new people. You possess the curiosity of a cat and long to experience all of life. You love to be involved in several things at the same time as long as you are not tied down to any one area. You like change, new things and new horizons. You make friends easily, your personality is upbeat and often inspiring attracting people from all walks of life.

You have a way of words and an uncanny ability to motivate others. You can be in sales, advertising, publicity, promotion, politics or any profession that requires your communication skills and understanding of people. You likely lack discipline and order. You can also be impulsive, doing or expressing things you regret later.

Freedom and a need for adventure sometimes is not properly controlled by those born with this Life Path, causing problems with drug abuse, overindulgence in food or sex, or generally abusing the gift of life. You are sensual and love to taste all of life. Sex, food and other sensory experiences are essential to the enjoyment of your life. You find it difficult to commit to one relationship, but once committed you can be as faithful as an old dog. You are multi-talented and possess a variety of diverse abilities. However, discipline and focus are the true keys to your success. Without these many of the tasks you begin will remain unfinished and you will fail to realize the true fruits of your abilities. With hard work and perseverance the sky is the limit.

You may have been perceived as a wild child by adults and a source of concern by your family. However, do not be obliged to hurry your choice of career. You are often a late-bloomer and need to experience life before you can truly know and commit to your heart's desire. Your challenge is to learn the true meaning of freedom. Change is constant in your world requiring adaptability and courage. Try to maintain an exercise program, keep your body in shape and limber. The flexibility and durability of your body will promote security and confidence within you.

You yearn for freedom and self-employment attracts you powerfully. Your challenge is to settle into one area to cultivate your ability sufficiently to earn a living and attain success. Once you find your niche the motivation and inspiration you supply others will bring you much in return, you will find your friends and colleagues supporting and promoting you on the road to success.

• Your Life Path number is 5
  
• Your Birthday number is 4
  
• Your Expression number is 2
  
• Your Heart's Desire number is 8
  
• Your Personality number is 3
  
• Your Maturity number is 7
  
• Your Balance number is 3
• Your Challenges numbers are 0, 2, 2, 2
• Your Pinnacles numbers are 8, 1, 9, 1
  

apple seeds for Martin

Martin Luther King Jr. has a special place in my heart.

He was born on my mother's birthday, and was shot the day I was born - only a few hours after the horrible incident.

I just happened to stumble upon this just before signing off here.

Perhaps it's time to get my apple seeds ready...

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.(1929-1968)

i'd never thought I'd hear the "c" word applied to me...

so this is what I have - barrett's esophagus - too much acid reflux over the years has worn away my esophagus - leading to scar tissue, which can, in time, become cancerous.

after being heavily sedated, after my gastroscopy, i wobbled to the waiting room for my surgeon to talk to me - and that's what he said. I think i must have turned a transparent white cause he took my arm and said: "I don't think it's cancerous, but we will have to wait for the biopsy, and then perhaps, schedule yearly gastroscopies to keep things in check".

i was too spaced out to really take in all the information, but tried to focus on the positive - all my ulcers had cleared up nicely, but today -

today...

hot on the heels of my other worry that Friday, another round of pap smears might confirm the presence of pre-cancerous cells in my cervix.

nothing is written in stone, i don't have any diagnosis (knock on wood!!!) but to even know that my risk factors are bumped up to (in this case with the Barrett's) to 125 times the risk, i'm not really in the best place right now.

oh how silly we are to think we are almost immortal - that death can't touch us

What is Barrett's esophagus?

Your esophagus is a tube that goes from your throat to your stomach. When you swallow food, it goes through this tube and into your stomach. Gastroesophageal reflux disease (also called GERD) is a health problem that happens when stomach acid goes up into your esophagus. If this happens over a long period of time, the acid can make changes in the lining of your esophagus. This condition is called Barrett's esophagus. In some cases, it can lead to cancer.

Who gets Barrett's esophagus?

People who have had GERD for a long time have a higher risk of getting Barrett's esophagus. This problem is much more common in white and Hispanic men. Smokers and people who are obese also have a higher risk. Barrett's esophagus is more common in people older than 50 years of age. Most people who have Barrett's esophagus are diagnosed after age 60. As a matter of fact, paitents with Barrett's esophagus have a 30-125 fol higher risk of developing cancer of the esophagus than the general population.

a little less stressed behind the wheel
managed to parallel park one shot, but that was a one shot deal. Tried to do it again but failed.

At least i did it one time - now i know it's possible...

but am changing lanes with less stress now. It seems as if it's becoming 2nd nature - well, twice removed, but i think that will wear away in time, to really become 2nd nature, like a 2nd skin.

but feeling overall shitty - must be the weather
rain rain rain

i was looking forward to having a whole batch of cherry tomatoes, but now the plant is barely on its last leaves, so i might have to toss it, but that always seems like such a sad thing to do. Guess i will let nature really take its course.


speaking of course - going for my virtual driving lesson 2mrw afternoon. Looking forward to that experience. Less messy than actually learning on the road.

but yea, feeling very shitty -2nd guessing my photography, writing and myself
have not gone to the gym, pants getting a little more snug, muscles beginning to atrophy
(okay, i'm exaggerating about the muscles, but i am putting on the pounds, 5 in two weeks - not good) so that's weighing on me, but my body aches so much. Damm fybromyalgia. Cold and damp are my two worst enemies.

so another week of rain and damp in the forecast. I hope it lifts soon because i don't see myself doing any lifting or moving or doing anything soon.


bleh

this keeps me going...

All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
James Baldwin


Raise a million filters and the rain will not be clean, until the longing for it be refined in deep confession.
Leonard Cohen


Confession of errors is like a broom which sweeps away the dirt and leaves the surface brighter and clearer.
Ghandi

The moment has come for me to write, draw, and paint my credo. In the last month I have destroyed much of my work... Looked at carefully, they were mostly tumors remaining from my bad times.
Kupka


Revealing secrets can bring us pain or get us into trouble, but worse pain and worse trouble await us if we keep silent… we become habitually untruthful. The door to our creativity closes.
Eric Maisel

Art is always and everywhere the secret confession and, at the same time, the immortal movement of its time.
Karl Marx

Simple confidence can change perception of both audience and artist.
Jill Badonsky

The landscape with its violent, pure colours dazzled and blinded me. I was always uncertain...
Paul Gaugin

Don't apologize for who you are or the art you create.
CJ Rider


Your self-confidence is directly connected to how much you feel you are making a difference in the world.
Brian Tracey

what to do, where to go, how to proceed

had dinner with e - two pints of hoegaarden and i was all over the map (but these pints looked like buckets, i kid you not), trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life, which direction to choose, which lane to pick, and how fast to go in it.

Needless to say, we didn't get anywhere fast except in circles, with me in the middle, feeling lost and confused.


when i asked him (i should have known that he would give me this response...) he told me that i should pick the one that would be most likely to make me money fast.

Practical practical

doesn't necessarily mean the best


"but which do I do best? Let your logical mind slow down for a minute, and let the creative one move forward" but i could see in his face, a struggle and soon the furrowed brow followed.


I don't know what to tell you.

well, i don't know what to say...

and so i sit here, tormented by which path to take, because i know, in the end, i can't take all three - i only have two legs and can go in one direction at any given moment in time

writing
photography
filmmaking

i can do all of them really well, have won awards in all three and love all of them like my own children

"you do writing all the time - it's been years since you did film, and photography you don't do that often..."


so??!!

I have not been on a bike in decades, does that mean i have lost the ability or enjoyment or knowhow to ride it???

no surprise, he fell silent on that one...

at this point, my logical mind, fed up with all this frustration and headache, thinks i should leave all three behind and not follow a passion but be practical because money does not grow on trees and time is fleeing

but oh, it hurts to think that i might have to leave a dream behind and wake to something that is just one long infomercial.

this sounds pretty dramatic, cut off my nose to spite my face, but i am true to myself and refuse to edit what i feel, so i'm putting it all out there - as flabby and unattractive as that may be - although i might regret this in the morning...

but whateveah

any thoughts?