The G.Mom update...

Went to see my g.mom last night. She has been moved out of the hallway of the emergency ward to minor care where she has a little private room. She says: "It's not home, but at least if I want peace and quiet, I can close the door.".

I told her about all the wonderful wishes that were sent through this blog. At first she said: What? A dog? But I then explained the whole principle of a blog, and just how many people are out there that can be reached via blogging and she was pretty amazed by it. She told me to send you all big kisses and hugs and thank you all for sending well wishes her way. And from me, once again, so many thanks ;-)

In between making comments on all the nurses and fellow patients that walked in and out of the ward, she spoke of my mother (who had a dinner engagement last night,I was taking her visiting night shift): I remember when you were a little baby, oh you used to cry so much. I lived downstairs then, so I would come up to see you and your mother, and your father would stop me, saying that he was letting you cry because eventually you would stop. It broke my heart to hear you like that! Babies cry for a reason, even if it's just becasue they are scared. Maybe all you wanted to know was that you were not alone. But no, your father didn't let me, and your mother at that time was afraid of him. She was sick you know at that time. Some women get that after they have a baby. And he did nothing for your mother - never took her out even though the doctor said that she needed to 'get out of the house'. So I would knock on the door, and he would even lock it! I pounded and pounded, calling for you, hoping that you would hear me, but he didn't budge. I was so upset! I cried how many times because of that. It really broke my heart, but you know, we get older, we forgive. We have to. But I never forgot. I'll never forget that. I am sorry that I couldn't come to help you my dear.

A whole truckload of emotions hit me at once: seething anger towards my father, pity and anger towards my mother, frustration for my grandmother and a feeling of being loved so unconditionally it moved me deep inside. I almost burst out into tears on the spot, but I just sat there stunned. Silent and stunned. Her warm soft hand patted mine the way that only grandmothers can and said: You've always been special to me and I love you so much. I gave her a big hug. I didn't want to let go, but I knew that she was in extreme pain because of her back, so I eventually did.

E and I stayed a while longer and then said our goodbyes. As I turned to leave the ward, I waved goodbye to her and smiled. There she lay, covered in bleach and starch blankets, smiling as I left, shooing me away affectionately.

As I type this, I feel a tremendous sense of regret for not having spent more time with her in the past (he was living out of the city for many many years and had only recently come back - about 8 years ago), and that the time I will be spending with her in the next little while will be the most precious for both of us. I am so very sad yet so very happy at the same time. What a weird state to be in. What a weird feeling to experience. I felt the same way about two years ago when I broke the silence between my father and I (long story, lots of bitterness against his remarriage, things he did and didn't do for me when I was a kid...). I sent him a card for Christmas. I laughed so hard when I read it, I thought I was going to burst a vessel in my brain.
On the cover it said:
Merry Christmas to the World's Best Farter!
and on the inside it said:
Oops! I meant to say Father!!!
I sent it to him, not expecting to hear an answer. There had been radio silence between us for years. Then one day, on my answering machine, he left a message:
Hey girl! How have you been? I got the card and laughed my ass off! How appropriate! You know me well! I am happy that you wanted to talk to me. I thought you were still mad after all these years. Well, we have lots to talk about!

He then proceeded to tell me about how he had a nervous breakdown after 35 years at the same job (this is coming from the man who said 'oh, it's nothing' when I had mine), that he was still a ski patroller on the mountian he had been skiing at for the past 15 years, that his wife had some heath problems as well, and that he had cancer. Prostate cancer.
My whole life flashed before my eyes. The day I found out, I walked outside of the country house, sat in the woods with my bottle of Jack and cried my fucken head off. But I then resolved to myself that I would fight this thing, and knock on wood, I have. Too many interferon treatments, too many biopsies, too many nips and cuts, but I'm still here. I'm a changed man...
My mother always said: Times change, but people don't.
I wanted to prove her wrong.

I spoke with my father over the phone for a few months until we had the same schedule to meet. I was so nervous. It had been a good 8 years since we met the last time.
What is he gonna look like?
Lots of grey hairs?
Frail and old looking?
But on that day, he walked up the stairs looking as handsome as ever, a posterboy for an outdoor sports/clothing store, his hair all grey, his skin tanned from the sun and skiing, and in better shape that most of the 30 year old men I know.
I felt the tears flood my eyes. They were good tears. He had bought me a little bouquet of flowers.
He had never ever done that before.
Ever.

We spent the next three hours catching up, exchanging war stories, jokes and good memories. It was like we had never missed a day. He told me that he wanted to see more of me and E, invited us up to his country place for the weekend. I accepted wholeheartedly.
I never really got a chance to say I'm sorry, for all the bad times. All the bad memories you may have. I really missed having you in my life. I'm so happy that you sent that card...
Stuck in an awkward situation again, I could not start to ball my eyes out in a packed restaurant, so I held it in and hugged him tightly. I called him Dad again after more than 10 years of silence.

Mom, you were wrong.
People do change.
Especially after you reach what you think will be the end of your life or after you have looked down the precipice of hell and oblivion. That's when you get a second chance. That is when you change.

We still chat - I email him and he emails me - we give eachother updates of what we have been doing, what is happening here in the city with me, what is happening with him in the country. We have been planning to visit him for the past year now. I saw him about 6 months ago when his mother (my other grandmother died). He was really happy I was there. His wife told me that it meant everything to him that I came. There was no way that I would have missed it.

Some of my photos are in a group exposition near his place up North next week. I am going to email him the information. I know he will try his best to be there. It will be nice to see him again.
Even though I can't visit my grandmother today, she is always in my thoughts. I visit her there all the time. I am looking forward to visiting her tomorrow, and enjoy every minute that she and my father are still around....