crampy fingers are better at typing than writing, but not for very long...

wow.
What a whirlwind of activity.
I have no clue where to begin!!!

I guess I'll start with the best - I am going to have my very first SOLO EXHIBITION in April (I was asked if I wanted to have it sooner) at a place in New York City called Madame X. It's a swanky lounge/gallery in Chelsea and that is just the biggest peacock feather in my cap.
I'm fucken elated.

Got 3 of my photos in a juried exhibition in Arizona. Was supposed to go down but with the Madame X thing calling for money - prints and frames, I figured that Arizona would be too hot now anyway, and I wanted to take the road trip with my mom in October - so we could pass by there then.

Shot some films for my friend Ren - we worked on that 2880 film marathon 3 years ago. He's just the coolest. Monday was the end of his short (which is waiting to be edited) and yesterday was some sort of video clip that will be used in some Heineken promo video for the new James Bond film. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the images worked.

Spent the day with my mom - went to Ikea. We must have walked two miles - round and round. It was so nice to hang with her. She bought me a desk and some bookshelves along with all the other goodies she brought. I feel that the time we spend together is not enough to make up for lost time. I see how she is taking care of her mother, and it moves me so much as to how strong she is. I don't ever think I can rise to the occasion like she can, but then again, she is living proof that chemo nor cancer will keep a good woman down.

We are slated to go wig shopping 2mrw.


It's so hot, and damp, I'm melting away.

but soon to come back and transcribe my written notes before I end up losing those just like I have lost so many things latley.

My mom and I - 'chemo brains"....

And no, I don't know what I'm doing...

Astro advice from the pro:


Saturday, 8th July 2006

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Your week ahead: Do you know what you are doing? Does anyone? We all have hidden agendas. We all kid ourselves about our true motives. We all act unconsciously from time to time. Those who feel sure that they DO know what they are doing are the greatest self-deceivers. Those with enough humility to acknowledge that they don't know, have the best chance of actually finding out. Maybe you don't know what you are doing now - but that's good. Better yet, you know what you are NOT doing. Pluto’s harmonious alignment to Mars is enhancing your discrimination; you are thus very safe and very deserving of success.


Hmm, lets see.
I have 10000+ things on my plate - shooting my friend Ren's film next week (I have not even seen the story board)
- have 300+ photos to pshop for my friend Pete who just got engaged (they want me for the wedding in November)
- I hate my new camera - it's giving me attitude - focus is soft, metering off. I am debating whether the investment was worth it or should I have just suck with repairing my already wonderful little workhorse?
- I have so many deadlines for contests and reviews that they all seem to be slipping away so fast.
- i am overweight, and bloated, have found new deep furrows in my frown lines on my forehead
- have been hiding from everybody - no return phonecalls or emails. Just hiding in my little house, afraid of the damaging rays of the sun, worried that my moles will someday turn into skinflaps of cancer cells
- I feel like i am slowly losing direction in my life, and realize that time is slipping by so quickly.

That's not to mention that mom's hair is falling out and that we have to go wig shopping next week.

Fuck.
She's being so stoic and a true blue trooper.
Here I am, cowering behind my computer, thinking my life is gonna crasha and burn while my mother deals with the side effects of having raidoactive liqud poison pumped into her veins.

I dreamt of my great grandmother the other night. She looked good.

The old country saying - "when you dream of dead people it's because they want your prayers"

I wonder if that is their way of doing "the pop in" just to let you know that they are thinking of you?

Hi Babka, and Bob and Starachek...

black and blue

black and blue
Originally uploaded by Fack to Bront.

I saw this on flickr, and it just moved me so deeply, I had to post it.
It makes me realize how my 'problems' are quite trivial when compared to people out in the real cruel world...



Frack to Bront - bravo on this posting.

Your photo tells a story that is all too common and that very few people want to hear, and so often, turn a blind eye as to the reality of domestic abuse.

and of course - the biggest bravo going to this woman.

Her beauty is strong and radiant, despite the bruises on her face. It is the look of determination, strength, courage. It's in her eyes, and in the subtle curve of her smile.

If I were in her situation, I think the last thing I would be able to is smile.

This photo depicts the kind of humanity that only a sensitive photographer can capture/share.

God bless this poor woman and her child
and God bless you for sharing this with us.

No Entry

No Entry
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I have so much catching up to do. I think I will take a weekend and try to transcribe all my notes about the things that went on when I was in NYC.
This was the trip before last - I think that makes this one #4 - when I went to drop off my frames before the show. I went back a week later for the vernisage - that was trip #5...


There will be a trip #6, 7, 8 and maybe 9 before the end of the year

because


I HAVE A CONFIRMATION THAT I WILL BE HAVING MY FIRST SOLO PHOTO EXHIBITION AT MADAME X!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOO HOOOO!!

The date depends on me and how fast I can pump out the prints, but I am hoping for April (what a way to bring in my 39th birthday!!!) so that will give me enough time to slut around my stuff - promo materials, postcards to mail etc. I am going to make this the biggest shin dig in my history! And I want everybody to be there - so I have to start now by apply myself into serious guerilla marketing mode.

And if I wait until April:
a) I will be able to shoot some more stuff (and get in shape, lose 20 pounds to be able to take those self portraits!!)
b) get myself through winter with the looking forward of something spectacular in spring!!

WOOO HOOO!!

nyc - here i come...

:-)

He's a real slug

I was trying to explain to a friend of mine (who is not familliar with american slang) what it means when you call someone a slug.

Well, there is even more reason now for me to refer guys who fall below the lowest common denominator as slug - not only are they disgusting - THEY ARE SADISTIC PERVERTS!!!

Reproduction
Slugs are hermaphroditic: having both female and male reproductive organs. Once a slug has located a mate they encircle each other and sperm is exchanged through their protruding genitalia. A few days later around 30 eggs are laid into a hole in the ground. Although some species hibernate underground during the winter in temperate climates, in other species, the adults die in the autumn.

(now get ready for this - gentlemen - hold onto your packages)

A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs chew off the other's penis. The penis of these species is curled like a cork-screw and often becomes entangled in their mate's genitalia in the process of exchanging sperm. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves. Once the penis has been removed, the slug remains female for the rest of its life.

Various species of slug can also reproduce via tiny "darts" of sperm which they fling in the direction of their mate's genitalia.

okay - I've heard about kids playing with their food, but this is just OUTRAGEOUS!!!



ehhg.

I'll be back with some more delightful stories in a week or so.

tired

tired
Originally uploaded by jecate.

There are few people (photographers) who can eloquenlty and powerfully express what it is like to be in a state of isolation, sadness. Jennifer is one of the best.

Since I have met her (when I was in Seattle) my life has changed. She has become a source of inspiration to me - both her images and words are powerful, yet delicate. Real and so very much in the present.

Many people shy away from feelings of grief, loneliness but being the brave soul she is - Jen explores them with a bravery that is rare in an age when people medicate or try to run away from anything negative.

You are a brave and beautiful woman Jen - you continue to inspire me to find a creative outlet to my blocked energy.

My biggest gripe as a photographer...

As a photographer, we are being robbed blind.

With the advent of digital photography, and the access to thousands upon thousands of images on the internet (not to mention - everybody who now calls themselves "a photographer" because they now have a digital camera) - individuals who have actually studied or honed their skills at the craft are being swindled blind and kicked while we are down.

This is my biggest gripe as a photographer and I have to share my story and other stories from photographers around the globe who are in the same leaky boat...


A blogrant from this site:

You want to know what a picture is worth? Ask Time, Inc. (People), Hello, and the other international publications who have now paid millions of pounds, dollars, euros, and who knows what else for the exclusive first publication rights to the Brangelina baby pics.

Now, I have absolutely no interest in the images from the celebrity standpoint--I’ve never cared for either parent as actors and really don’t care if they have one or a dozen babies. I will look at the images like I do most images, with a critical eye, and I won’t go out of my way to get my hands on the pubs with them, but that’s just me and I’m weird in that.

What does interest me about the pics is that incredibly high price. Some photographers are bitching and complaining about it--railing about the unfairness of Time, Inc. paying such sums when they make “regular” photographers take low fees. But here’s the thing--numbers like that mean that they do understand the value of images and they are willing to negotiate.

What does that mean to the average photographer? It is yet ANOTHER reason to hold the line on prices and to negotiate better deals, or walk away from the table. Use the fact that they shelled out so much money for those images as one of your negotiating tactics.

Oh, and no one ever “makes” a photographer take a crap deal; s/he chooses to do that him/herself. Always. You can always say “no.”

The second part of the story is that Time, Inc. and Hello are going after gawker.com for infringing on copyright and their exclusive publication rights. Gawker, a blog-ish site that has repeatedly stolen images and other material to fill its pages, published a small version of one of the photos, in its original context on the cover the the publication. Ooops! That’s a double infringement--the image AND the cover as a whole. And the lawyers at Time, Inc. and Hello are serious about this.

Now why would they be bothering if they weren’t aware how important their intellectual property rights were? What value they held? They know, and every creative should know the value of his/her work as well.

As I posted on one of the photo forums earlier, infringement makes for strange bedfellows--go get ‘em Time. Inc.!

and another from Wired magazine:
Thank you Jeff Howe for that delightful and insightful article.
You can read his brilliant blog followup to the article here
(and I suggest you do!)


The Rise of Crowdsourcing
1. The Professional

Remember outsourcing? Sending jobs to India and China is so 2003. The new pool of cheap labor: everyday people using their spare cycles to create content, solve problems, even do corporate R & D.

Claudia Menashe needed pictures of sick people. A project director at the National Health Museum in Washington, DC, Menashe was putting together a series of interactive kiosks devoted to potential pandemics like the avian flu. An exhibition designer had created a plan for the kiosk itself, but now Menashe was looking for images to accompany the text. Rather than hire a photographer to take shots of people suffering from the flu, Menashe decided to use preexisting images – stock photography, as it’s known in the publishing industry.

In October 2004, she ran across a stock photo collection by Mark Harmel, a freelance photographer living in Manhattan Beach, California. Harmel, whose wife is a doctor, specializes in images related to the health care industry. “Claudia wanted people sneezing, getting immunized, that sort of thing,” recalls Harmel, a slight, soft-spoken 52-year-old.
The National Health Museum has grand plans to occupy a spot on the National Mall in Washington by 2012, but for now it’s a fledgling institution with little money. “They were on a tight budget, so I charged them my nonprofit rate,” says Harmel, who works out of a cozy but crowded office in the back of the house he shares with his wife and stepson. He offered the museum a generous discount: $100 to $150 per photograph. “That’s about half of what a corporate client would pay,” he says. Menashe was interested in about four shots, so for Harmel, this could be a sale worth $600.

After several weeks of back-and-forth, Menashe emailed Harmel to say that, regretfully, the deal was off. “I discovered a stock photo site called iStockphoto,” she wrote, “which has images at very affordable prices.” That was an understatement. The same day, Menashe licensed 56 pictures through iStockphoto – for about $1 each.

iStockphoto, which grew out of a free image-sharing exchange used by a group of graphic designers, had undercut Harmel by more than 99 percent. How? By creating a marketplace for the work of amateur photographers – homemakers, students, engineers, dancers. There are now about 22,000 contributors to the site, which charges between $1 and $5 per basic image. (Very large, high-resolution pictures can cost up to $40.) Unlike professionals, iStockers don’t need to clear $130,000 a year from their photos just to break even; an extra $130 does just fine. “I negotiate my rate all the time,” Harmel says. “But how can I compete with a dollar?”
He can’t, of course. For Harmel, the harsh economics lesson was clear: The product Harmel offers is no longer scarce. Professional-grade cameras now cost less than $1,000. With a computer and a copy of Photoshop, even entry-level enthusiasts can create photographs rivaling those by professionals like Harmel. Add the Internet and powerful search technology, and sharing these images with the world becomes simple.

At first, the stock industry aligned itself against iStockphoto and other so-called microstock agencies like ShutterStock and Dreamstime. Then, in February, Getty Images, the largest agency by far with more than 30 percent of the global market, purchased iStockphoto for $50 million. “If someone’s going to cannibalize your business, better it be one of your other businesses,” says Getty CEO Jonathan Klein. iStockphoto’s revenue is growing by about 14 percent a month and the service is on track to license about 10 million images in 2006 – several times what Getty’s more expensive stock agencies will sell. iStockphoto’s clients now include bulk photo purchasers like IBM and United Way, as well as the small design firms once forced to go to big stock houses. “I was using Corbis and Getty, and the image fees came out of my design fees, which kept my margin low,” notes one UK designer in an email to the company.

“iStockphoto’s micro-payment system has allowed me to increase my profit margin.” Welcome to the age of the crowd. Just as distributed computing projects like UC Berkeley’s SETI@home have tapped the unused processing power of millions of individual computers, so distributed labor networks are using the Internet to exploit the spare processing power of millions of human brains. The open source software movement proved that a network of passionate, geeky volunteers could write code just as well as the highly paid developers at Microsoft or Sun Microsystems. Wikipedia showed that the model could be used to create a sprawling and surprisingly comprehensive online encyclopedia. And companies like eBay and MySpace have built profitable businesses that couldn’t exist without the contributions of users.

All these companies grew up in the Internet age and were designed to take advantage of the networked world. But now the productive potential of millions of plugged-in enthusiasts is attracting the attention of old-line businesses, too. For the last decade or so, companies have been looking overseas, to India or China, for cheap labor. But now it doesn’t matter where the laborers are – they might be down the block, they might be in Indonesia – as long as they are connected to the network.

Technological advances in everything from product design software to digital video cameras are breaking down the cost barriers that once separated amateurs from professionals. Hobbyists, part-timers, and dabblers suddenly have a market for their efforts, as smart companies in industries as disparate as pharmaceuticals and television discover ways to tap the latent talent of the crowd. The labor isn’t always free, but it costs a lot less than paying traditional employees. It’s not outsourcing; it’s crowdsourcing.

It took a while for Harmel to recognize what was happening. “When the National Health Museum called, I’d never heard of iStockphoto,” he says. “But now, I see it as the first hole in the dike.” In 2000, Harmel made roughly $69,000 from a portfolio of 100 stock photographs, a tidy addition to what he earned from commissioned work. Last year his stock business generated less money – $59,000 – from more than 1,000 photos. That’s quite a bit more work for less money.

Harmel isn’t the only photographer feeling the pinch. Last summer, there was a flurry of complaints on the Stock Artists Alliance online forum. “People were noticing a significant decline in returns on their stock portfolios,” Harmel says. “I can’t point to iStockphoto and say it’s the culprit, but it has definitely put downward pressure on prices.” As a result, he has decided to shift the focus of his business to assignment work. “I just don’t see much of a future for professional stock photography,” he says.

I have even more painful stories from the front - those come next...

whirwind

Where do I begin?

Went to NYC to buy my camera and drop off my photos at the Rockaway Artist Alliance show in Rockaway Beach New York, came back home, did some stuff, then went back down again two weeks later - went to the expo, had an amazing time, met some really wonderful people, took lots of photos, came back home.

It sounds pretty simple, I know - but I am leaving out the details because i am just so EXHAUSTED!! OMG!!

so on that note, I will be back to transcribe some of my "Moleskien" journal entries...

A year ago this week...

a year ago this week...

Lets see:
I had some pix in a festival in Old Montreal
met an old friend who is now world renound for his kick ass body painting (and took some really cool photos of his work)

AND

I was absolutley elated and scared shitless because it was announced that we were having our first show on the 11th of June!

I'll never forget that.

I can't beleive a year has passed already.

And this time last year, going to New York City was not even a thought blip on my radar.
Seattle? Why that never ever even crossed my mind!
And the potential of doing camerawork on several documentaries and other short films?

HUH?!
Who would have thought!?

It's times like this that I'm happy I chose to take the time and document all of this right here...!!!

Thank you blogger!

Me and my new baby!!

I can't believe it!

A) I finally got my new camera
B) I was in NEW YORK CITY to get my new camera
C) I'm going BACK to NEW YORK CITY with my camera to be a part of the gallery opening where 3 (YES THREE!) of my peices will be on display for a whole month!!

YEEHHHAA!

I can't beleive I'm going back!
Well, like I told my mom - back before Seattle:
mom, I'm going to go where the wind takes me - i have to follow the path - it knows what's best - it knows where i have to go and need to be.

A dear friend of mine fwd me a call for submissions for another photo expo - this one is in Arizona.

Arizona.

I have always wanted to see the grand canyon!!

LOL

Now I will flip out if this actually becomes a reality!!

But for now, New York City? I'll see you on Friday!!

Rudy the Renegade Warrior

This posting is a long one, but it is so very worth the read.
Beleive me - this man's strenght is legendary. He really should be the next president of the United States. Hell, if he were in Canada, he'd get my vote as the next Primeminister hands and feet down!

I've been away, confused, conflicted, excited, depressed, worried, elated, happy, introspective over the past few weeks. I'm hoping that my life will slow down to an even keel, but in the meantime, while I take a break from writing - read this. Very inspirational.


Keep Moving Forward
30/05/2006 12:00:00 AM

Rudy Giuliani dashes through the glass doors of his office reception area and beckons for me to follow him, which I do. It becomes a high-speed chase down the hall. The former New York City mayor has just emerged from the swarming crowds of New York City's St. Patrick's Day parade, but he's not even winded. He's actually energized, as if overdrive is his natural speed. We turn into his private corner office at his security and crisis management firm, Giuliani Partners.

Giuliani slides into a chair at a small round table by a window overlooking the bustle of Times Square. He takes a swig of caffeine-free diet Coke that is sitting on the table.
I glance around at his haphazard office decor. Scattered among the photos of his wife, Judith Nathan, and his two children are the familiar pictures from Ground Zero. There is also a 10-inch white porcelain figure of Winston Churchill, Britain's wartime leader whose words Giuliani has said buoyed him during the first dark days after September 11. Ominously, there's also a bayonet taken from an Al Qaeda soldier in Afghanistan. And on his desk is a laminated sign that reads, "I am responsible."


In the past 4 years, Rudy Giuliani confronted more adversity than most people do in a lifetime: prostate cancer, police scandals, the public unraveling of his marriage, an unfulfilled Senate bid, and the horrendous terrorist attack. I am here in his office, asking the man who, after 9/11, became known as "America's mayor," how he survived it.

Before 9/11, there was little inkling that inside Rudy Giuliani was a deep well of compassion. The only reputation he had was for his toughness. It began early, on the streets of Brooklyn. As a fan of the Bronx-based New York Yankees (and growing up in the shadow of Brooklyn's Ebbets Field, home of the Dodgers), a young Giuliani often had to defend his baseball team with bravado and fisticuffs.

Before 9/11, there was little inkling that inside Rudy Giuliani was a deep well of compassion. The only reputation he had was for his toughness. It began early, on the streets of Brooklyn. As a fan of the Bronx-based New York Yankees (and growing up in the shadow of Brooklyn's Ebbets Field, home of the Dodgers), a young Giuliani often had to defend his baseball team with bravado and fisticuffs.

Later, as a US Attorney, he fought his battles in the courtroom, taking on corrupt Wall Street traders and racketeering mobsters. With each passing year, the Republican Giuliani solidified his hard-nosed reputation. As mayor, he went toe-to-toe with grizzled union negotiators, an aggressive press corps, and vocal Democrats. (One detractor referred to him as the "Mussolini on the Hudson" after the fascist dictator.) His fortitude would soon be tested when he faced his two most challenging crises.

"You Have Cancer"
On April 26, 2000, Dr. Alexander Kirschenbaum of New York's Mount Sinai Hospital called city hall to let Giuliani know his prostate biopsy was positive. The mayor initially thought that "positive" meant he was in the clear. "It took me a second or two (but it seemed like a minute) to translate that into 'Oh my gosh, that's bad news,'" Giuliani says.

Just 3 weeks earlier, during the mayor's annual physical, his doctor took blood to test for prostate-specific antigens (PSA), which can indicate prostate trouble. At first, his physician said the borderline-high PSA results probably weren't much to worry about. But Giuliani's follow-up tests and biopsy confirmed the worst. "The hour before I was told I had prostate cancer, I felt fine," Giuliani recalls. "It's very strange when you're told that you have cancer. You feel like there's this thing inside you, and if you don't figure out exactly the right thing to do about it, it's going to consume you."

Giuliani gathered his children, Andrew, then 14, and Caroline, then 10, early the next morning and broke the news. "I explained to them that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, that it was early stage and treatable, and that I'd take a little time to figure out exactly the right kind of treatment," he says. "That was probably the hardest, particularly since my father had prostate cancer. He died before they were born, but I remembered having gone through it with him."
At the time, Giuliani was gearing up for an already heated Senate run against former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. He now faced a difficult choice: to stay in the race while undergoing cancer treatment or to withdraw. To make that decision, he sought the advice of many colleagues and friends. Though he often appears to be a maverick, the truth is that Giuliani doesn't make major decisions autocratically. There's a loyal team behind him.

"The best thing that helps when you're dealing with fear, stress, or things that confuse you is to talk it out with people," says Giuliani. "Talking to and relying on other people-people you respect, people you like, people that share your outlook on life-are enormously helpful."
During that trying period, Giuliani was estranged from his wife, Donna Hanover, so he turned to then-fiancee Judith Nathan, who had past training as a nurse, for emotional support as well as medical research. He visited the city's, and country's, top doctors for counsel. He also talked to friends. New York Police Commissioner Howard Safir was diagnosed 5 days after the mayor, and New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre had also been treated for prostate cancer.
His friends not only warned of the physical symptoms and side effects-severe fatigue and nausea-but also told Giuliani about the emotional toll the disease takes.

Preparing to Recover
Giuliani eventually chose seed implantation (placing radioactive pellets into the gland) with a follow-up of external radiation to kill any remaining cancer cells. "Once you settle on a treatment option," he says, "you'll relax and have much more of a philosophical attitude about it. You start moving in a positive direction, and your feelings and attitudes change."
He then set out to prepare his body for the stress of the procedures. A lover of fried calamari and steak, Giuliani now asked Gracie Mansion chefs to cook up tomato-based dishes rich in the antioxidant lycopene, which has been shown to fight prostate cancer. He worked out on a treadmill in his office, running 2 to 3 miles a day. "I thought: The better shape I'm in, the more I'll be able to absorb the effect on my body," says Giuliani. Midafternoon naps on his office couch carried him through the exhausting radiation. Giuliani has now been cancer-free since January 15, 2001.

Though many people thought that it was 9/11 that softened the old pugilistic Rudy, he admits that it was the cancer that altered his outlook. "It changed my perspective on life," he says. "It gave me much more of a sense of the need to be healthy, of the value of life, and of the importance of people around you."

That compassion was something Giuliani would need in the coming year. On September 11, 2001, downtown New York turned apocalyptic as two airliners, piloted by terrorists, sliced through a clear blue sky and into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. The mayor was at a breakfast meeting in midtown Manhattan when a staffer informed him of the first plane crash. At the time, no one knew the extent of the damage or if it had been intentional. As he and his colleagues sped to the scene, the second plane hit, engulfing the south tower in an immense fireball. As Giuliani hopped out of the vehicle, the street was showered with debris. He looked up to see pieces of the tower falling. And he saw something else: There were people jumping. He tracked one man's free fall with his eyes, then quickly averted them, continuing his march on foot to Ground Zero.

With their multimillion-dollar emergency bunker in WTC 7 inaccessible, the mayor and his staff quickly set up a makeshift command area in a nearby Merrill Lynch building. There, they tried to contact the White House. Giuliani and his entourage had only been there for a few minutes when they heard the deafening noise of the south tower imploding. They found themselves trapped, and desperately searched for an escape route. Fumbling around in the darkened basement, they couldn't find an unlocked exit until two maintenance men appeared and showed them the way out, to a daytime turned to night.

Making their way through the ghostly, choking clouds that literally blocked the sun, they set up another command center in a nearby firehouse. In describing the scene, Giuliani goes silent for a moment, his eyes moisten, and I get a glimpse of the sensitive man that I'd seen on television, the man who spoke from the heart that many New Yorkers didn't know he had. "You know, getting notified about people that were missing, dead ... there'd be a sense of shock," he says. "Then I would say to myself, 'I cannot think about this now. And I can't feel this now, because I've got to stay focused on keeping everybody together, keeping the city together, and making the right decisions.'"

In the aftermath, Giuliani's heartbreaking response to a reporter's question about casualties-"When we get the final number, it will be more than we can bear"-was prescient. Almost 3,000 people died, and among them were the mayor's close friends, including NYFD Chief Pete Ganci, First Deputy Commissioner Bill Feehan, Special Operations Chief Ray Downey, and fireman Terry Hatton, husband of his long-time executive assistant, Beth Petrone-Hatton. (Giuliani went to the morgue to identify Hatton's remains so that Petrone-Hatton, pregnant with her first child, wouldn't have to.)

And there was fire department chaplain Father Mychal Judge, who had helped the mayor through many personal difficulties. Giuliani last saw the priest everyone called Father Mike the morning of September 11, when he said to the chaplain, "Father, pray for us." "I always do," the priest replied with a big smile as he headed to the scene. Moments later, after ministering to a fallen fireman, Father Mike was struck by falling debris and killed.

"Father Mike is a great man," says Giuliani, apparently unaware that he is using present tense. "I miss him. There are days-even now-when I would just like to call and ask his advice. He would write me notes, particularly if there was something difficult that was going on. He'd sort of explain it and always have some thought in there about how God loves you."

For months after the attack, the mayor remained chief consoler to the city and to the nation. He urged shaken city dwellers to stay resilient as they faced fears of future attacks and anthrax scares. He attended hundreds of heart-wrenching funerals and wakes, as many as six or seven a day. In the midst of all this overwhelming grief, he says, it was a sense of community and spirituality that helped him through.

He recalls attending one wake in Rockland County: "The whole town showed up. It was very sad. But at the same time, you'd see the whole community there, and you'd see a way through this. The way through it was everybody supporting each other, everybody helping each other. It was a very strange mixture of seeing the horrific part of it and seeing the beautiful part of it. Being attacked and under crisis, people who live in freedom have this tremendous strength."
The mayor also took comfort in the words spoken during the religious services. "Growing up Catholic, I was very familiar with the Mass, and I found a great deal of strength in it," he says. "It left me with a strong belief that God has a plan. We don't understand it now, but we will."


The 16-acre area where the twin towers once stood is no longer a vast emptiness. Plans for rebuilding the trade center, long mired in controversy, are starting to progress. And the 58-year-old Giuliani has moved on as well, since leaving office in 2002. His crisis-consulting firm is thriving. He's newly married. His autobiography, Leadership, is a bestseller, and his calendar is filled with high-profile speaking engagements. Yet it takes very little-just a mention of 9/11-to send him back there, to that time of darkness, at Ground Zero the night after the attacks.
Giuliani takes a breath. "I was just walking around, thinking, 'This is going to be much worse than anybody realizes.' And then there would be these times-they would last for seconds-where you'd say to yourself: 'I wonder if we can get through this? I wonder if the city can ... the country can?' And then I would quickly say, 'We just have to. We just don't have a choice. We've just got to keep moving forward.'

"Very often, I sign the book, 'Keep moving forward,' because it was something I kept saying to myself all the time: 'You've got to just keep moving forward. We'll get through this.'" Giuliani leans toward me, then adds, "And we have-by believing it."

Lessons Learned
Rudy Giuliani has a message for men: When it comes to your health, take a cue from women.
"I don't think men do as good a job of taking care of themselves as women do," says the two-term New York City mayor. "Maybe men feel immortal, or maybe they feel it's a sign of weakness to go to the doctor for checkups."

Being proactive helped Giuliani combat prostate cancer, a disease that claims about 30,000 lives every year, including his father's in 1981. A simple prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test showed that Giuliani was at risk for the disease. His count came back higher than normal, possibly indicating trouble. "If I hadn't taken the PSA test, I wouldn't have found out about the cancer," Giuliani says. "Probably even by now, I wouldn't have found out about it. And it would have just been getting worse; I would have been at risk of being beyond help."

While he didn't have symptoms (which include frequent urination, blood in the urine, or painful ejaculation), the mayor's odds of the disease were greater than most. He clearly had two of the four most common risk factors for prostate cancer: age 55 or older and a family history. Other factors associated with the disease are race (it's more common in African-American men than Caucasians) and a diet high in animal fat. The American Cancer Society recommends PSA blood tests for all men 50 and older, and testing at 45 years old for those in the high-risk group.
Giuliani is now evangelical about early PSA screenings, but he's also a vocal advocate about the importance of overall health as well. "Cancer made me much more aware of the fact that you have to take care of yourself," he says.

When it comes to crisis management, Rudy Giuliani is the go-to guy. Whether you're battling a disease, a personal calamity, or a work-related meltdown, you can learn from his personal experiences.

Keep a cool head:
During the chaos of September 11, Giuliani reverted to past advice from his father: "When you're in a crisis, get calmer. Find a way to be the calmest person in the room as everything around you is getting more excitable, and you'll be able to figure out the answer." Composure enabled Giuliani to prioritize essentials such as finding generators, setting up a family services unit, and preparing for a biological or chemical attack. "I kept reminding myself that there was every reason for everybody to get excited, including me, but it was very important to get calmer," he says. "Calm things down, and just try to focus on what's the right answer and how much you can anticipate of what's going to lie ahead so that you can prepare for it."

Gather information:
Whether it's evidence on top mob bosses or the latest research on prostate cancer, Giuliani constantly seeks facts and figures to overcome the challenges he faces. While a primary source of information is books, he also values face-to-face time, including heated discussions. "I try to encourage people to tell me if they think I'm doing something wrong or tell me their side of an argument," he says. "Debate is part of decision making. I want to hear different opinions."

Surround yourself with a great team:
Giuliani embraces what many eminent generals already know: Strength lies in the support of your troops. While his mayoral staff helped him through many dilemmas, it was after the terrorist attacks that he really leaned on those around him. "A lot of what got me through was knowing I had a very, very strong team," he says. "I could say to myself, 'I've got very good people who've been through emergencies before. People who are experts in these things we're going to have to deal with. Whether it's the police commissioner, the fire commissioner, the head of emergency services, or the head of public health. These people had been through significant numbers of emergencies before.'"

Allow a distraction:
Your mind doesn't constantly have to be on your troubles. During the mayor's radiation treatments, technicians distracted him with a game of "stump the mayor," playing semi-obscure music for the opera buff and seeing if he could guess the works. Even after the terrorist attacks, the mayor took time out to attend his son's freshman football games on Saturday mornings.

Floating on a dream

Misty Duck
Originally uploaded by gwennielynn.

I just got back from NYC last night.

God. I love that place - everything seems so familliar to me - even my internal compass manages to set itself right away - I can't seem to get lost there - it's as if I have lived there before - perhaps only in my mind...

I remember the first time I went to Central Park - what an experience!
When I think back to the kind of feeling that New York gives me at night (especially last night - the streets were soo quiet) - this is the image it evokes.

I am one with the city - it's my element where I float freely and gracefully...

Tremble

Tremble - From the Archives of the "Blue" series
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Click on the photo to read the post.

I'm too tired to write about it again...

Man's search for meaning.

I am giving my mother a picture for mother's day.
It's a picture of the sculpture that I saw in NYC, and I superimposed a quote by Victor Frankl on it. It's so beautiful, I had to make a copy for myself.

The quote was so apropriate, and the image meant so much to me - that moment of new beginings, of new perspective, it all made sense.

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

I hope it touches her the same way it touched me.

I'll let you know.

Happy mother's day :-)

Some quotes by Victor Frank that were too inspiring not to share...

A human being is a deciding being.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.

Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

Fear may come true that which one is afraid of.

Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.

For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

Just as a small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it-likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicament and catastrophes whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them.

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.

Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.

Only to the extent that someone is living out this self transcendence of human existence, is he truly human or does he become his true self. He becomes so, not by concerning himself with his self's actualization, but by forgetting himself and giving himself, overlooking himself and focusing outward.

The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.

What is to give light must endure burning.

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.

The road is long, and keeps on getting longer...

So today was supposed to be mom's last day for chemo.
She was only supposed to have chemo for 4 weeks and that was it.

it all changed today.

Her white blood cell count was too low to get her treatment.
She has to go in Monday and take another blood test, and then the doctor will decide what to do next.

He also said: if I were you, or you were my relative, I'd say go on the chemo for a year - as supplemental therapy.

She flatly refused.
She says that she has to work - to pay her mortgage, her car bills, to live.
She says that she can't afford to take the chance that she will be too sick to work. Her job has lots of responsibilities, and she would only go to 1/2 salary after 6 months. Not enough to pay the bills.
When she told me that, I flipped.

She has pretty much signed her death certificate and is taking a big chance with her future and health.

I think she is just being stubborn (and talks about losing her hair) and is thinking too much about work when she should really be thinking about herself.

but it all comes down to money

what she needs, what she doesn't have, what she won't have...

I was stunned today.
I had made her a nice card that said : "welcome home from your long journey".
But the journey has just begun again, and it's a long road. Perhaps too fucken long for her, and I am so upset that she has decided not to go on the chemo for a year.

It's not like it's gonna be every day, 3 times a week, 1/2 the dose that she is getting now.

1/2 the exhaustion, 1/2 the dose, and as I told her - you take on 1/2 of the stress at work.

but she is stubborn, and I fear that vanity and fear of poverty are going to drive her to make a decision.

And I thought that it would be smooth sailing, but this mother's day will definitely be a special one, and hopefully , not the last...

Sometimes its the wings of desire that break us

I am going down that road again.

Why don't I learn to keep myself out of trouble?

I thought that the office season's finale would be a funny one.
It was - it was great, and it's my favorite show, but damm.
Shame on NBC for making such great season finales!!

I was so choked up by Jim and Pam's plight.
Romeo and Juliet minus the drama, keep a dash of irony, and throw in the 'cut to black - end of season finale' finality.

So sad, yet so sweet.
We've all been there.

I, perhaps, have been there more times than most...

(dry chuckles from the peanut gallery)

Could it be part of 'the true artist's makeup"?

This book is amazing.
run to get it.
If you consider yourself to be a little off the beaten path, worn around the edges and living through your art - read it.
And if you are someone who knows someone like this - read it too.

so to keep myself from wallowing in romantic yet tragic melancholy, I am going to open a cold beer, grab a bag of hot buttered popcorn, put the pms monster to bed, and pop in one of my all time favorite movies.

It give me hope that angels to have wings, and that dreams can come true.



A line from the poem which starts the film




Song of Childhood By Peter Handke

When the child was a child,
it had no opinion about anything,
had no habits,
it often sat cross-legged, took off running,
had a cowlick in its hair, and made no faces when photographed.
When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me, and why not you?
Why am I here, and why not there?
When did time begin, and where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people,
does evil really exist?
How can it be that I, who I am,
didn't exist before I came to be,
and that, someday,
I, who I am,
will no longer be who I am?



When the child was a child,
It threw a stick like a lance against a tree,
And it quivers there still today.

***

If only I could look at lifewithh those eyes of a child again...

Reaching out

Reaching out
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

This goes out to all my flickr friends.
You are a beautiful group, and if the world were filled with people like you, there would be only love to heal all the pain and suffering around us.
(Please click on the photo to read more)

Conspiracy

Conspiracy
Originally uploaded by dhammza.

Sometimes when I get tired, I mean extremely tired, and i've pushed my mind and body to the point of exhaustion, I tend to slip into a little mental space that's pretty dark and isolated.

I guess it's a form of self-preservation. I had a good friend of mine explain to me that 'going into our hole in the ground' is not necessary a bad thing, it's like hybernation. We need to do what the body tells us to do. If it's wintertime, we try to conserve energy. Perhaps the mind does the same thing on some level. Problem is that I have some extra chemicals that tend to tip the scales somewhat, and pull at the heartstrings of some nasty mantras in my head. The kind of self-defeating garbage through the teachings of Buddhisim and meditation I'm trying to sort through.

But sometimes the PMS monster comes back and kills the Buddha (sometimes, it's a good thing - "when you see Buddha on your path - KIll HIM" is part of one Koan, but I won't get into that now...)and then all those nasty little mind rats run amok.

Conspiracy, paranoia, worry. The wheel begins to turn. I must pull the plug on the merry-go-round before it spins out of control and off the lot of the amusement park! Being mindful of these 'instances' is a very interesting process. As is life.

As is my life so far...

Thank you dhammza for this beautiful photo...

Impossible? What does it mean?

I believe that there are things that happen in life, and people in the world to teach us something about others and ourselves.

impossible? What does it mean?
Originally uploaded by PølløPätägónicø.

It's because of people like Pollo the world becomes brighter by the light of a million suns.

An email I sent to him this morning after receiving this photo dedication.

Thank you does not seem like enough, but it's a start....


Oh my God.
Sweetheart.
I am weeping tears of happiness.
You have moved me so deeply. I am at a complete and utter loss for words.

Your words, your beautiful words are my soul food. You are the most courageous and kind person I have ever met, and my love and admiration for you continues to grow in leaps and bounds.

Have I ever told you you're my hero?

I have to run, have a whole list of doctor appointments for the whole family, but please know that it's because of the unconditional love and strength you share with me and so many others, life has more meaning, and the world really does becomes a little less scary with you in it.



thank you does not seem like enough, but it's a start.
xo

hpk

HelloPhotoKittyOne

HelloPhotoKittyOne
Originally uploaded by To Be Or Not To Be.

Thanks to To Be Or Not To Be, I've got a ride on Hellophotokitty One! It's pink and everything! How about that!?

My offical flying speedmobile.

Take that leap...

I am changing.
It's coming fast, but not furious.

Things around me are shifting.

Had a nice talk with myself in the shower today. Reassured myself that things are going to be alright, that I will be okay, and that the only thing that stands in the way of me and what I want is myself.

It might take a while before I really beleive it, but it's a start.

I subscribe to this thing called Daily Ohm.
Very interesting stuff.
I think I might just start a blog with the ones that really resonate deeply within me.

Keeping a blog is good.
An alphabetical word map of my travels.


May 4, 2006
Growth Through Risk
Aries Daily Horoscope

The universe may seem like an unlimited source of abundance for you today. You could feel a sense of security about your life circumstances. Now may be a good time for you to take a few risks. While part of you may not want to take chances, opportunities could be around the corner if you make the effort to look for them. Perhaps you can take time to evaluate the parts of your life that could be ripe for growth. Try considering different avenues of growth, visualizing your potential, and setting a goal to undertake something new.

Taking risks involves letting go, and when you let go you will evolve. Expanding your potential is only possible when you make an effort to grow. Growth isn’t always comfortable, yet inherent to growth is the guarantee that you will stretch yourself beyond your limits to occupy new spaces within yourself and your life that are full of possibilities you have never explored.

When you take risks, you inevitably grow and discover new aspects of yourself. You are also relinquishing your need for things to stay the same and allowing life to guide you toward what is coming next. Trust that you have what it takes to succeed when taking chances today, and you will find that any kind of risk you take will lead to new opportunities.

Fun stuff for the astro addict in me...

Did I mention yesterday's post?
Well, for Thursday? May 4th?

Sometimes when a person finds his or her voice, self-awareness or what is often termed 'personal power', it can send the lives of people around them into a little crisis. Often the cause goes unacknowledged, for one thing, because it's so embarrassing to think that one person getting real can bring up so much insecurity. One of the reasons many people resist getting real is because 'it's scary'. I suggest you not make that mistake. Let each authentic moment lead to the next. Let honesty shine the light where fear once hid in the corners. Be yourself, no matter what they say.

I like that: be yourself, no matter what they say...

Now wait a minute, this sounds familliar!

Okay, onto Friday's forecast.

There are some moments when you can get a sense of your true direction. It's as if you look at the cosmic compass and discover what way you're headed, and find your location on the map. When you do that, you'll see that you are in a truly challenging situation, and you may not know exactly what to do. You may not understand this strange, intense mission you seem to be on. It may seem too intense or uncertain for you to handle - but I assure you, you can. Remember, nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do.

Hmm. I like where this is going.
So much is going on - the new gallery who picked up my stuff, more films coming up, more contacts being made - I'm determined this time to make this work. My motto? What have I got to lose?

And it's about time too.

Ahh spring - how wonderful it is!

It's good to be me...

Interesting thing about 'being me' - this scope says it so well.
There have been times when people have actually run away from me because they said that they could'nt handle my intensity. And for a long time, I struggled with that, but now I embrace it. Although I'm not out of the roof manic all over the map depressed (I contribute my mellowing out to age and life experience), I still have that fire which runs through my veins, and it's all good.

Thursday, 4th May 2006

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

Sometimes when a person finds his or her voice, self-awareness or what is often termed 'personal power', it can send the lives of people around them into a little crisis. Often the cause goes unacknowledged, for one thing, because it's so embarrassing to think that one person getting real can bring up so much insecurity. One of the reasons many people resist getting real is because 'it's scary'. I suggest you not make that mistake. Let each authentic moment lead to the next. Let honesty shine the light where fear once hid in the corners. Be yourself, no matter what they say.

New York Loves My Photos!!

Well, I am so very happy to say that not one, not two, but 3 of my photos have been selected to be in another juried exhibition in Long Island New York!!!! I am floored!!!!

I am so excited! This gives me yet ANOTHER excuse to go down to New York - for the opening of the show, and then come back for the closing to pick up my stuff!!! HAHAHAHHA!

Here is the site - the exposition is called "Bodyscapes"


ooh!! I am so excited and delighted!!

And GO FIGURE!!
I have submitted to countless galleries and expositions here in the city and across Canada - not one reply. Nada.

WELL SCREW THEM!
New York city calls me and that's where I'll gladly go!!!

If I were in a rock and roll band...

if I were in a rock and roll band
this is the guitar I would have.

That and a hellokitty hairclip in my hair.


And this is from the site...

Plenty of girl-friendly attitude!
With a fixed bridge and single humbucking pickup, this Kitty is ready to rock. Agathis body, maple 25-1/2"-scale neck, die-cast chrome machine heads, single volume control, jumbo frets, and a custom Hello Kitty pickguard.

Squier® Hello Kitty Stratocaster Electric Guitar Features:
Agathis body
Maple neck
Medium jumbo frets
Die-cast chrome machine heads
Chrome hardware
Fixed bridge
Single humbucking pickup
Volume control
Custom pickguard with Hello Kitty graphic

Squier® Hello Kitty Stratocaster Electric Guitar Specifications:
25-1/2" scale length
1.610" nut width
21 frets

A great gift for aspiring girl rockers.
Order your Hello Kitty Strat right now

Plenty of girl-friendly attitude!

Pause.

I can't beleive it.

Just as I am typing this, E is in his room/studio sampling some kitty meows.

Meow meow meow-meow meow.

Descending and ascending up the melodic scale.

Could somebody please stick a fork in my eyes and pull out my eardrums before I kill somebody.

men and their toys...

A little self indulgent astro cack.

Yea, so I read this guy's forecasts every day.
I'm an astro freak.
But I've had a black cat and walked under numerous ladders thank you very much...


Monday, 1st May 2006
-->
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You seem to be waiting for something. It's as if you can see, feel, smell and dream it - but it's not there. Sometimes it feels like another person. Sometimes it feels like an experience or a change in your life. Has it occurred to you that you're waiting for yourself? Have you ever imagined you could wake up in a sudden burst of revelation and just know, feel, understand and experience yourself as who you really are? Would that be amazing? If so, keep imagining; keep visioning the subtle idea of your own birth into the world, because you are fast approaching.

I'm liking that revelation thing.
Sounds good to me.

Life without camera...

This sucks big time.

My mind is translating everything I see into 'what would this be like if I could take a picture of it? I wonder what it would look like if I had my camera now?"


I hate this.

And the canadian dollar is looking quite nice against the american too.

I want to go buy a camera - soon.

I wil try to see who I can drag with me to NYC to camera heaven (B&H) so I can get my photographic fix....

For someone who processes everything primarily with her eyes, this is a really trying time for me....

damm newfangled electronic cameras!!

Modern Medicine

Modern Medicine
Originally uploaded by BlackWing.

I am helping my mom as much as I can while she goes through her chemo. And if she needed a kidney, I would have given her that too.

This photo and it's starkness, serenity and hope touched me so much, I had to post it.

It makes me happy to know that there are people out there who really do care, and would sacrifice part of themselves for the people they love.

Beautiful story and image Blackwing.

R.I.P

I am overcome with sadness.
My camera, my backup (which was once my primary camera for more than 10 years) has died.

I am offically without a camera.
And I feel as if my eyes have been torn out.

It's as if I had lost a good friend.

It was thanks to that camera that my journey into self-portraiture began.

Perhaps you think it's silly for a grown woman to mourn the breakdown of a block of plastic, metal and computer chips, but to the photographer, a camera is an extension of the body.

My body.
And now it's gone.

And it's hard to guage, with everything going on in my life right now, when I will be able to get another one - digital or 35mm.



It's a sad day - hellophotokitty might just be a sadkitty for a while...

Happy Easter

Greek Orthodox Easter // 4 of 6
Originally uploaded by Lady Vervaine.

Happy Greek Orthodox Easter to all my friends.

This photo touched me in so many ways, especially after reading what Lady Vervaine said about it...

"I've had all kinds of ups and downs with religion. A long time ago, I thought it made sense of the world; made sense of who I was; even made sense of death. But these days, it makes no sense to me at all.

So I feel a little strange, taking pictures of these people, with their glow of faith. I wish I shared it, and yet I'm glad I don't – both feelings at the same time. Confused? Yes, I am. About so many things, and this one more than most."

A feeling of inertia in a world of solids and forms.

Duck and cover your mouth when you cough.

Paranoia.

Update your Will. Hopefully this won't be necessary but not all of us are going to survive


I have become an information junkie and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst...

CNN, MSNBC are the ones I frequent the most. And the Weather Channel. Can't forget that one.

I hate programs like Dateline. Why?
Too much information.
It's the overload of doom and gloom - worst possible case scenarios that make me even more paranoid than normal.

(paranoia level: Yellow - Elevated)

Find a Place in the Country. If you live in the city, you will be surrounded by anarchy. Catastrophes such as this always lead to civil disorder. If you can escape the city you will be much safer. If you don't have one, consider purchasing a trailer. If you can't afford it, consider a tent.


Tonight's episode of wrath was all about a flu pandemic - imminent and about to strike any minute. People in the thousands will be dying. It could be years before a vaccine would be developed to combat the various mutating strains. Keep enough water and perishable food items to last you and your family about two weeks - and oh yea, stock up on your medication (but please don't hoard the Tamiflu) - BUT DON'T PANIC!

Since commerce will be severely interrupted during a pandemic, bartering will become the accepted means of exchange. Having a good supply of face masks will give you a commodity that will enable you to trade with others.

Disaster disaster - we're all gonna die some horrible death.
Ring around the posy - scars, Ebola, H5N1 avian influenza,
we all fall down.

" During a pandemic ...we will see a collapse of the global economy as we know it which means that we're going to run out of those things ...things like medical supplies, drugs, masks, whatever." -- Michael T. Osterholm, Director, Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, speaking on the Oprah Show, January 24/06

When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about a nuclear attack.
The cold war had a wind chill of -20 and terrified me.
How to prepare in case of a nuclear attack - duck and cover.
How naive were we back then.
How real the threat now.

Airborne particles are gonna kill ya!
No place to hide!

I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.

"Up to one billion people could die around the whole world in six months.... We are half a step away from a worldwide pandemic catastrophe." Dmitry K. Lvov, Director, D.I. Ivanovsky Institute of Virology, Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.


That's the problem with being medicated for manic/depression. Sometimes it just takes one thing to start the merry-go-round spin out of control.

Whether or not it will happen this year, and whether or not it will be as catastrophic as many virologists are predicting, one thing is clear: There WILL be a pandemic of unimaginable proportions some time soon

We all fall down

but get back up.

I must get back up.
my mom needs me, as I too
need myself.

And God bless Canada - and the CBC

I've got the flu! What do I do?
Rent some movies and prepare to spend seven to 10 days at home, resting.

Good advice eh?

A letter to a friend...

A letter to a friend...

This was a letter to a friend I wrote two nights ago.

I was feeling so down, lost and alone.

Sometimes venting is a good thing.

(and Zara ;-) Thanks for commenting here :-) We'll talk and I'll address those 'things' in-depth very soon on this blog...

Hey girl.

How are you doing?

Sorry I have been silent lately - so much to fucken crap to chew on...

Got word that the treatment will make mom progressively sicker as each week passes. That is not too good of a thing. As the 3rd and 4th week come closer, my worries about how much I can take care of her begin to mount. Apparently, it might take her 4 to 6 months to recover.

Ouf.

That's the shit.

I have not even thought of the idea that the cancer might come back, or that she might have to have chemo for a year. I really have too much on my plate. I am trying to stay afloat.

Everything just seems so overwhelming at times.

I read a book that said the majority of cancer patients have had many stressors in their life - a serious shock at an early age. I worry that I am the poster child for something to be inside of me - a time bomb. Heard today that my great grandfather and grandfather (on mom's side) both had cancer (liver and bladder), no to mention my dad who had bladder cancer as well. Now my mom.

Yea, stamp a fucken giant C on my forehead?!

I am just scared and rambling.

I am begining to know how you feel when you talk about your breast cancer concerns.

It's in my family, it's in yours. Its everyfuckenwhere.

I know you know that it's hard keeping optimistic here in her casa.

She watches CNN -ALL THE TIME! Quite the information junkie.

All doom and gloom 24 hours a day. Ticker tape along the bottom spelling out the inevitable extinction of the human race, the planet. Now the san Francisco thing. I try to stay away, up in my own little hideaway where old "Canadian Home Living" magazines tempt and comfort me with picture perfect home cooked pot roasts and white bread words of wisdom from housewives in Nova Scotia.

It's hard staying here.

I thought it wouldn't be as bad, but some days it is.

It's not gonna get any better either - cumulative side effects of the medication as it floats through her system.

So I just wanted to say hello before I go to bed and that you are always on my mind. You, your man, your baby, your two doggies and your house - all back home again. A lease on a whole new life.

Oh girl, how I envy you. There is finally some peace and happiness in your world, and you bella, of all people I know, deserve it so very much.

End of week 1

I am so exhausted right now.
We just got through week one - and when I say 'we', it means the whole truckload of us.
Mom, E, Bettee and myself.

waiting and doctors
white hallways and stale sandwitches
hand disenfictant and doctors, nurses, volunteers
and sick people
so many sick people with cancer.

It was really hard to wrap my head around how many people were having various kinds of treatment for cancer - new ones every day - never the same one twice.

She's feeling flu-ish as to be expected.
Yesterday was such a good day, she wanted to go shopping with me.
And today we walked 8 long blocks just because she felt like walking.

The side effects are cumulative so she is expecting the heavy stuff to rear it's ugly sickly head in the next two weeks.
- don't be a fortune teller! You don't know that for sure, and the doctor said that Alpha Interferon has different side effects for everybody.
- have you had your 3 liters of water today?
- are you doing your 'positive imaging" ? Zapping those cancer cells in your body with Lady Pac Man sized interferon interceptors?

now I feel like the mother.

Weary and worn, but hanging in.

Got two cinematography jobs lined up for me late May into June. Short stints - but the # 2 one has a HUGE French Canadian singer/actor attached to it. I think this is gonna be the director's big break.
finally

Hell, he met me for the first time, I agreed to be the Director of Photography for a 48 hour short film festival marathon and won 2nd prize for best technical achievement.

This could be the start of something big...

Hybernate

Hybernate
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I guess I'll be hiding for a while...
...

Naaah.
I won't be gone for too long. My writing is my therapy, it keeps me sane and connected to the real world.

I mean, with my camera broken and all, writing is all I really have to stay sane, and God knows I will need to stay sane for the next 4 weeks...

I'll be back.
A few more stories.

I have discovered Beckett.
This guy kicks serious theater ass

Today's astro info - full moon rising

Bloody fucken migraine.
I've had it for the past 3 days and I suspect tension.
The upcoming stress of mom's chemo, my stress about not having a solid job and still having to get my shit in order (ya, that comes with the stress and headache of finding the best price for a camera...) the stress over the past few days to meet deadlines for art festivals. It's all piling up, and it's all in my head.

Literally.


Just just got an email from my Swedish babe chicklet - she is due in September!!
I really hope she comes to full term. She has been so unlucky in the past few years. It would be so amazing - and I would be an auntie.

Speaking of aunties - I am one as of last Sunday. My little cousin had a baby. This is my little cousin with whom I used to sing Karaoke (and back in the early 70's it had not even been discovered yet) to old Rolling Stones and Tom Jones Lp's, my little cousin with whom I used to ride elevator in my grandmother's closet with, my little cousin with whom we devised magic potion to keep flies away from dog shit (it was made with an old solution of Lilt Home Perm, 30 year old bath salt blocks, French Formula hairspray, and whatever we could find in my grandmother's bathroom basement (which would have been an anthropologist's delight!). My little cousin - little L. The girl who was my most convenient younger sister - because as soon as I went home, she became my cousin again.

What kind of a great deal was that?

So back to the migraine...

Pills pills pills and icepacks for the neck.
caffeine in pills, caffeine in cups.
ice ice ice

It's not helping much, but I'm lucid enough to type this
barely.


So here we go again - looking to the stars for guidance.

Sounds like a promising weekend.

not!


Friday, 14th April 2006

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
So, you think you know where the limits lie, do you? You are sure about what is or isn't possible, are you? You've looked at your current situation from every angle and you've appraised it accurately, have you? Sorry to take a slightly confrontational tone. It's just that events, this weekend, intend to be similarly challenging in the way that they require you to rethink the boundaries and barriers in your world. Something surprisingly exciting is attainable. Despite recent misgivings, you'll soon have reason to feel very enthusiastic.

Ignition

Ignition engaged

Take off successful...


sometimes when I'm mildly manic (but is this really manic? I can remember a time when my meds were workimg and I was feeling great - not because I was manic, not because the meds were swishing around in my brain, but because things seemed genuinely hopeful. Things felt right. There was an opening in the cloudy skies, solutions were becoming clear, and there was a slight glimmer of hope for the future.

Quarter to Two and I am feeling this right now.

I have spent the past 3 hours looking up calls for entries for photography shows. The web is great for that - a link to a link to a link...

Found so many great places to enter - some which were pricy, but others which were actually free (the best kind). I had a look at my pix again - the blue series, and realized just how powerful they really are. Somebody on flickr was so moved by them, he started his own group called -vulnerability (at least I think, it's too late to check now, will do that later). He wrote me this beautiful message that almost brought tears to my eyes.

It just blows me away each time somebody says that my photos (my little photos) inspire, frighten, excite or educate them.
a) I never thought that something I used to do just because it was fun would amount to anything that would be of any use to anybody
and
b) that my work would touch somebody so much that they would feel so compelled to tell me and thank me for doing so.

hmm

that's so fucken cool...

So I am on my way to bed, exhausted and run down, getting ready for the Easter weekend (just means more things will be closed for longer) and then pack on Sunday night and get ready to spend time while mom starts her chemo (interferon) on Monday.

Worry worry worry.

I am trying not to do too much of that cause I feel the ground beneath beginning to shift. Things are happening, the sleeping buds on trees are beginning to stir.

I hope it's a new beginning.

Let's make it a new beginning...

In baiting a mousetrap

with cheese, always

leave room for the

mouse

SAKI

challenge your beliefs

challenge your beliefs
Originally uploaded by jecate.

I met Jen while I was in Seattle a few weeks ago. She is such a beautiful person and a great source of inspiration for me, and I am sure, for many other people as well...

I had read a book based on the writings of st.john of the cross entitled "Dark night of the soul". The term and metaphysicality of the phrase "dark night of the soul" are taken from the writings of the Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross, a Carmelite priest in the 16th century. Dark Night of the Soul is the name of both a poem, and a commentary on that poem, and are among the Carmelite priest's most famous writings. They tell of his mystic development and the stages he went through on his quest for holiness.

a further definition is taken from Wikepedia:

"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.

The "dark night" could generally be described as a letting go of our ego's hold on the psyche, making room for change that can bring about a complete transformation of a person's way of defining his/her self and their relationship to God. The interim period can be frightening, hence the perceived "darkness". In the Christian tradition, during the "dark night" one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time. The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them, or that their prayer life has collapsed.

Rather than being a negative event, the dark night is believed by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise where the individual is trained to grow from vocal and mental prayer, to a deeper contemplative prayer of the soul. Particularly in Christianity, it is seen as a severe test of one's faith. The Dark Night comes in two phases: a first "Night of the Senses," and a second "Night of the Spirit."

Depression is another form of 'a dark night of the soul", and it need not necessairly be a bad thing. At times, overwhelming, but if one is strong enough, it can be a space where self-discovery grows from emptyness.


"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.

In this mystic's writing, his approach ideology of suffering seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to God, teaching us to look at the horrors and joys of the world, the cycles of birth and death, the wars and destructions as a natural process of life and something to embrace rather than fear.

Hostess cakes - nexus of the universe

Hostess cakes - nexus of the universe
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

On a lighter note...

Seattle is the home of Hostess Cakes.
Who knew?

Every time I'd make my way down to the art festival gallery, I'd smell the vanilla breeze from up the block.

I made my way around the plant several times, looking for dumpsters, anything. But I guess their waste management is pretty strick.

Not a golden crumb to be found anywhere...

drifting in a sea of corpses

E is listening to his strange "noise" music on his walkman.
I hear the occasional ping and pop followed by a weird shrill.

"noise" it is, and I find it quite distracting.

I am usally alone when I type during one of my typing marathons.
Alone and quiet - only the clack clack of my fingers on the plastic keys -
that is somehow soothing
reminding me that I can find solace and refuge in my words that I convey to you,
my readers -
and to you -
myself - me...

I saw a disturbing movie last night - Shame by Ingmar Bergman.
Bergman is one of my favorite all time filmmakers in the world.
This film was different from the rest of his works.
It was quite disturbing.
Very disturbing in fact.

I woke up this morning with images, sounds - snippets from the black and white subtitled 2 hour visual and auditory session
existential residue on my mind map of consciousness.


Well, what's this movie about?
In short - can I sum it up in 30 words or less?

Gritty, brutal and supple, Ingmar Bergman's Shame (1968) stands as one of the best antiwar films ever made, a fact made more amazing by its relative lack of notoriety, even among Bergman aficionados. With a particular and refreshing abstention from art-house navel-gazing, Shame is an apolitical home-front horror show where life during wartime slowly shifts from existing in a state of petty complacency to, literally, drifting in a sea of corpses. Focusing exclusively on the way war unsettles and corrupts the lives of civilians, Bergman's film scans on a primal level like a "Twilight Zone" episode gone unstoppably, sickeningly real.

And I couldn’t have said it better myself.

I suggest you see it, if only to say you watched a Bergman film.

And yes, you might wake up with the same kind of morning breath dream sludge that is hauntingly difficult to shake off that i am experiencing now.


***

My mom's chemo starts on the 17th.

Life is going to change for us - life as we have known it up till now will shift. A foreign element will shake up and invade our daily routines, routines which we have come to treasure as ritual, normal and constant.

A foreign invader - aggressive and ready for battle.
We must be ready to flight or concede defeat.

I guess that's where the film comes in.

I have woken up with my Scandinavian colored glasses -
(bought at Ikea...lol)
and the world seems a tad bit sharper than usual.


I'll have to stay with her while she adjusts to the chemicals - gauge how ill she'll become, how weak she'll be, how much discomfort it will cause her.
The treatment will last for four weeks - taking us into mid - May.
Summer will be close by.

thank God for that

At least that.

***


I wish I had a guitar.

I used to be quite good at playing guitar - flamenco to be exact.
Good, well I am being modest.
go ahead - you so rarely boast about your abilities.

I was quite talented - at the age of 14, my teacher urged me to take a university exam which would have allowed me to actually teach as a certified instructor.

Did I ever follow through?
Naaah.
I got scared and she got pregnant.

One project ends, another begins.


I played for my own pleasure until a few years later when my father re-claimed my classical guitar. My only guitar. I didn't have enough $ to buy a new one, and by the time I did, the more important things in life such as balloon pants, pointy shoes and mesh tops were at the top of my priority list.

Ahh. Gotta love the 80's.


I came across some old music books the other day, one in particular that she had stolen for me from school. Spiral binding partially untwisted at the ends, worn pages yellowed, reproduced hand written notes alongside Spanish and Italian words woven in between passing tones and a perfect cadence.

Romance De Amor by Vicente Gomez .


I remember the first time I played this piece - in its entirety. Tears streamed down my cheeks as every note reverberated throughout the wooden body held close to my chest ; each note seemed so familiar to me. My fingers swept effortlessly across the warmed wood, the sweet smell of cedar taken in with each strum.


...

Good Lord.
That sounds so wretchedly romantic.
euck

but romantic it was - the mood, the tempo, the harmony.


Vivaldi was my favorite.
Perhaps it was the bittersweet melancholy and simplicity of his Guitar Concerto In D Major that moved me the most; but each time I heard that piece, a profound sense of resignation, akin to what I imagine a peaceful acceptance of death would feel like, consumed me.

Death.
Resignation,
acceptance.

War?

the deterioration of a relationship?
finding out that death is enviable part of life?

realizing that perhaps there is no God?
that there is no such thing as salvation?



I guess this Bergman film is effecting me more that I thought it would.

God?

God?
Originally uploaded by solea.

I think there is a God, or at least someone who is watching over my mom.

We went to see her oncologist today. He is wonderful, sweet and funny. Caring and smart as hell. He told her that she has options - chemo for one month industrial strength, or chemo for one month and booster shots 3 times a week for a year. There is no guarantee that it will work, but at this point, it's better to try than not to try.

It was also my birthday.
A day that I was dreading in so many ways. But as luck would have it, my mom, her best friend and I spent most of the afternoon giggling like school girls, had an amazing pasta lunch and I got so many kick ass gifts from everybody who loves me, that going to seal my mom's eventual fate and faith in medicine made it that much smoother.

38.

Where do I go from here?
How do I get there?
Is there a God, and if so, will he stop to help someone like me?

Down we fall, straight ahead.

Down we fall, straight ahead.
Originally uploaded by cffleischmann.

We find out Tuesday what will happen to my mom as in terms of her chemo. One year? One month intensive? We don't know.

Just when I thought it was safe to put my feet down again, we are on the move - "down we fall, straight ahead" - that is how I feel right now.

Tuesday will be my birthday.
I am going with my mom to the doctor. It might be one of the most difficult birthdays in my life.

I am not looking forward to this year.

One step forward, 10 steps back.

Tied to the railway tracks, my skin can feel the vibrations of the train miles and miles away...