change skins

augh.

I'm throwing up my hands for this one.

It seems like there will be a never-ending who hurt who first cat and mouse game.

I mean hello - the man is 67 years old. Grow the fuck up!

His email was like a kick in the face, transporting me back, 30 years ago when i sat at a table across from him. It was the final settlement of the alimony child support fiasco. I had moved in with my boyfriend, and he and his wife deiced to pay a visit. Turns out it was a fact finding mission, not a friendly drop in - according to my father (through his lawyer), since i was living with somebody now, there was no need to pay child support. So he began the process of claiming that he was going to sue me for all the back child support/alimony payments.

it was ugly - even more disgusting than the divorce. I was 20 years old, just recovering from a severe breakdown, sitting in front of a man who called himself my father. His eyes dead, black, not the brown i had remembered them to be.

Back room discussions between lawyers finally ironed things out.

He would continue with the original agreement as stipulated in the divorce papers 19 years ago. Child support until my 21st birthday.

As our lawyers passed around the papers to be signed, i passed him a paper with all the names of my current doctors. Three psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, gynecologist and a general doctor all agreeing that i was in fact, suffering from a severe hormonal imbalance, and severe Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PPMD) and manic depression. My "fits of crying and depression" were not in my head, and were not tools to "manipulate" him into giving me more money. They were real.

I said this, pointing to the list of doctors and their phone numbers.

"every one of them said you can call them for details. Every one of them said they would be happy to explain all of this to you. My problems are not "in my head". They are real."

Without blinking , or looking up, he snarled:

"well, if i asked my doctor when all my problems started, they would say they all started when you were born!"

and that was all he said.

He stood up, pushed the chair away, shook his lawyers hand and bolted for the door.

We all sat there - mouths gaping wide open.

Stunned.

In shock.

did he just say that?

His lawyer began to apologize profusely, sincerely disturbed by his client's outburst.

What could he say? What could we say?

Our lawyer took me into her office, and gave me a big hug.

"He's just an evil man. In all of my years of practice, i have never seen anything as despicable as this. I am so sorry this had to happen."

I was in shock. My mom was in shock.

We sat in the car, running the scenario over and over in our head for days.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months, and then into years.

And then one day, it just happened.

I learned to let go.

I woke up and told myself that he did what he did for some strange alien reason that i would never understand (which turned out to be his psychotic wife who always believed i was out to steal him from her) and that holding a grudge was only poisonous to me. I had to accept and love him nonetheless.

So then i opened the door to forgiveness. Opened the lines to dialogue.

And one day, out of the blue he called. Left a long message on my phone. He had cancer, had beat it, was retired, and looking forward to reconnecting.

And we did, and it was wonderful. Finally, as adults, we were able to talk, laugh. I had my father back in my life again. Not as my father per say, but a wounded man who was happy to reconnect with a young woman he had once loved dearly. A part of him. He a part of me. Associated by blood lines.

Blood is thicker than water.

but after months of spotty correspondence, old patterns re-emerged again. "Yea, we will get together, come up north", but something would always come up.

Here we go again.

I was the 11 year old girl, sitting on the stoop of her front door. Tiny suitcase in had, waiting for dad to pick her up for a nice weekend up north.

he never came

"I forgot..."

I forgave, moved on. Accepted and then let go.

Life went on.

Then one day, the nasty email from facebook.

"I'm entitled to know what is going on because I am your father.."

whaaaatttt???

I wrote back, calmly. Logically, giving all the facts.

His reply, short and sweet. Something about he suffered pain of loneliness, and that certain people and situations kept me away from him.

cryptic.

I moved on, opening the door to dialogue. Besides, i wanted him to be a part of the biggest day of my life. He was still my father. Not a very good one, but still one.

It was pleasant, but that was it. He only came up to me to say goodbye at the end of the night. We laughed, took a few photos and that was it. The joy of the day overshadowed the awkwardness of that final exchange. But I was still happy he came.

Then the lovely email - a day after my honeymoon.

Another kick in the stomach.

Then the news mom's cancer had come back.

Sucker punched again.

wounded and weary, knowing that another boxing mach would begin soon - round x with cancer treatment. Not again, fucken cancer. Can't you stay away?!

so i replied. Trying to be as honest as possible. What did i have to lose anymore?

Dad,

All i can say is that i'm so very sorry that you felt the way you did. It was in no way done to hurt anybody. I was very saddned and very depressed when i got this email a day after my honeymoon. I didn't know what to say - what could I say after all? I think sorry would not be enough...

You know, not having you in the wedding party was such a tough decision. I was very very confused and it caused me many sleepless nights, but please try to see this from my perspective, please try to understand - if things were different in both of our lives and i had to make decisions on how our lives would have turned out - we all would have been a happy family - both mom and dad walking me down the isle, but the reality of it all is that mom has been all alone to raise me all by herself for the past 30 years. I could not make you a bigger part of this wedding without causing her a lot of pain, and because of everything i have seen her go through first hand, and all that she has done for me and seen me go through, i felt it was my way of thanking her for taking care of me and loving me so much. She was involved right from day 1 - driving me to every store in the city, spending late nights with me making the invitations, planning, and all while in between, doing her il2 treatments. Lots of stuff happened so quickly - it seems like i blinked and the day was over.

It was a hard decision but i hope you understand that as an adult, people have to make difficult decisions in their life, and this was one of them...

And the day really went by so quickly - it was hard for me to get to everybody. People were coming up to me to talk, i really wished you had taken a moment, taken me aside and had a nice father/daughter chat, wished me well, and told me how pretty i looked, because every girl wants to hear that from her dad on her special day - regardless of the situation. But I want you to know, that despite the way things turned out, I was so very happy that you came, and yes, i too wish we could have taken some photos together - but you know what? Nobody got family photos. I have none of us with eric's parents or with you or mom, so don't feel left out. Somebody was supposed to be looking out and making sure all of this got done, but it happened. We can't go back in time and change it or be angry because of it.

but alas, things happened the way they happened. We live and move on.

i think there are a lot of unresolved issues - and the wedding was not the place to talk about them. I know we need one on one time so we can really talk. Email is so hard, and not very personal.

In an email long ago, you wrote: Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what did that mean exactly? I was always there, always waiting, hoping that we could reconnect, and i hope that we still can.

hpk

Mom had her operation. Another hell experience in the hospital. They didn't give her medications to her for 4 days. Prozac, synthroid. Anti depressant and thyroid medication. Two very important meds. She was going through serious withdrawal. You don't come off cold turkey with prozac. It can make you lose your mind.

Seriously...

She was let out of the hospital too early, without any dressing on her 30 inch incision across her belly. No follow up appointments. Nothing.

She got sick, the wound seriously infected. Rushed to the hospital again.

The never-ending saga.

Then a reply.

Mute and dazed, i walked away from the computer. E was away on business and knew that re-reading this would drive me insane. I fwd it to him and waited for his call.

He came back. We talked. I cried, yelled and cried some more.

I had no more strength. Fighting for my mom in the hospital with incompetent and insensitive staff, seeing my poor mother suffer again drained me. And now this.

Thank you for your email.


It still does not change or lighten up my hurt.


I'll make it short, like your comment, "as an ADULT, people have to make difficult decisions in THEIR LIVES and that things happened the way they happened." You certainly made yours.


In closing, I truly wish you and your mate all the best.


Dad.

I guess that was it.

or that is it.

There is no solution to this never ending fight.

He is now dead to me. How anybody can do this to their own child is beyond my comprehension. Grow up old man. You will forever be under the iron thumb of your so called wife. She got you to tie your tubes, she will make you cut the strings with your only daughter.

You are made for each other.

so i try to walk away, not looking back,

not looking back.

“To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.”

~Anais Nin

despite it all...

despite it all, she said the following:

"I told B that I would get better just to spite the system and this f*&ing hospital!"

More nightmare scenarios (but not as bad as two aprils ago), but still pretty shitty.

She's dealing with shingles to top it all off.

but she's not giving up.

My God. This woman is beyond amazing.

She's unsinkable and unstoppable!

My mom.

My Idol.

speaking of unstoppable -

from a friend who overheard something somewhere during the night of the big event:

(in-between the speeches (and there were only two - the groom and the best man...):

All these speeches, it's as if you don't exist.

Yep.

Father's new wife.

Isn't she a peach?!

So it seems like a nasty comment turned into a discussion on their way back home which turned into the nasty email he sent me, one day back after my honeymoon.

That fucken woman is pure evil.

Remember, she's the one who MADE my father have a vasectomy. Something she was very proud to share with me after the fact.

Evil evil evil.

Poison.

Out out out.

For once and for all, I will try to walk away from this and other people who try to pry their way into my life. The unwanted brood.

You can't hurt me anymore.

I won't let you...

a letter to a friend with news on mom and reflections on the "c" word

I have to make this short, it's been a long fucken day

Surgery went well - they got the shit out - including her appendix.
They are pretty sure it was the cancer coming back - she said something weird: "I might have to retire - the cancer is aggressive, and it will come back again and i'm okay with that..."

Every time i hear this it makes me think of resignation

"Yea, but your tumors - the others that they thought were the "end all of your life - the last batch - shrunk and disappeared..."

"yea, you're right..."

Its so hard to be fighting for her.

I know that i will have some fighting of my own to do soon too. It will only be a matter of time until I get something to do with skin cancer - my chances are now up to 85% that i will get it in my lifetime (it also runs in families) - both parents with cancer, the shit that is up with my cervix (they found abnormal cells - see the doctor in september...) if something happens to me, i won't be able to take care of her...

fucken hell. the mind is starting to spiral again.

not good.

but i don't have cancer yet, and she is on the road to recovery, but i can't help but have all this shit hang in the back of my mind all the time....

anyway sweetie - sorry to sound like a downer.

I need sleep - long day today followed by another 2mrw.

It's so hard to be positive when you are so tired.

Why is that so?

If being happy takes so much effort, how can being happy be a good thing?

Doing my silly monologue thing.

Dangerous when i find myself starting to sound like Carrie Bradshaw mind melting with Camus...

Farðu rökfræði

Farðu rökfræði

fuck logic

Fuck logic

here is a letter to a friend.

I am so upset right now and hate having my eerie ability to act on my gut questioned.

I will have to go through my archives to find ALL THE TIMES (and yea, there were many) that i did act on my 'intuition" and amazing things happened. But this time, Mr. Logical had to ruin the day.

Mom goes in for surgery 2mrw to remove the mass.

I was shocked when she said: "you have to take this trip. Even if i have to take a cab to or from the hospital before/after the surgery, so be it. You have to go..."

and this is my mom...

so here is the email i sent to Y, the woman who many months ago, out of the blue, while holding my hand and feeling my energies, told me that I had to go to Lake Placid, because there was something there for me. This is the same woman who has told me and my mother many times of many things that without a shadow of a doubt, have come true.

Mystic perhaps?

Or as e would say - "lucky guesses"

but one guess is lucky, 20 is more than luck...

and lake placid - what were the chances that e would have to go there?

And of all places in the U.S - there???

Hi Y,

thank you for getting back to me. I passed along your email to my mom. She is in prep mode - right now she's at work and 2mrw she goes into surgery 1st thing in the morning. We are all very stressed. The doctors have been very supportive of her and she is getting the best care. Her new surgeon is so wonderful and the moment i met him, i had such a wonderful feeling. i know she is in good hands.

She will have to take another unpaid leave, which is pretty disturbing as she has run out of paid medical leave time. And it's tough too - I don't think either of us has had time to grieve the loss of her mother/my grandmother. it was her death, my wedding and now my mom's next surgery. Cuba honeymoon was a Godsend. Without that, i don't think i would have been able to survive this next journey.

Speaking of journey...

I need your advice.

The man just got an invitation to go to Lake placid for a business seminar/trade show. This came up completely out of the blue, and of course, I flipped when he told me because i remember your telling me that you had a feeling that lake placid was the place for me to go (that time we sat on my mom's steps when you felt my palm/energies). I told my mom - she said: "Go. Even if i have to take a cab to and from the hospital. If Y said to go, you have to go!"

I feel the same way. As does she still.

But e on the other hand, is not really sure.

He's trying to make excuses for me not to go - "ah, it's business, you'll be bored and stuck in a hotel room" and his latest: "we can go another time"...

but I have been telling him - IT"S NOT THE SAME THING!

but alas - a skeptic is always a skeptic, and now he has me doubting my gut feeling which is telling me to go.

But would it be the same thing if we go another time?

I feel that this chance is like a gift of fate - and that perhaps something will happen, perhaps not, but i don't want to not take this chance. In my experience, if i act on something that feels right - then something usually comes out of it. But if that instance/coincidence is changed in any way (like e's wanting to 'reschedule") - it just won't be the same.

Y, please tell me i'm crazy, but without e being able to take me down on this trip, it just wont happen - whatever is to happen.

You can't 'reschedule" fate! Am i right?

E will have to leave on monday so that does not give me much time to make a decision. I have been quickly looking into alternative ways to go down there but there are none. The amtrack route or the buss routes don't stop there, there are no planes that fly there and there is one transfer buss point and it will take 5 extra hours. I don't know what to do.

What is your gut feeling??

I have been feeling so lost, and weep all the time. I feel that i am running out of options, time and faith.

Photography has become painful - a grim reminder of something that i had once loved so much but is now giving me grief because every avenue i have taken in terms of getting my work out there has closed in my face. The same with film and writing.

I don't have much energy - and with trying to be supportive of my mom, it leaves me empty - both emotionally and spiritually. This void has become my cancer....

I'm so sorry to have to end this on a sour note, but i am such a mess right now, i can't even type any longer.

if you can get back to me before next week, it would be so very much appreciated.

and yes - i need to come down and see you and N. Your kind kindred spirits would be just the kind of prescription for a wear soul that the doctor would order.

take care of yourself and we will talk soon

friday

mom goes into surgery on friday

I guess the pathology report will take a week or so

let's hope it all gets taken out

every last little fucken cancerous cell

out

out

out!

if no news is good news, then new news is bad news.

the cancer is back.

There is a growth in her stomach and we are meeting with her surgeon on tuesday to see what the next step will be.

her oncologist wants it removed pronto.

She is worried that she will have to take more time off work, which is not a good thing.

We are all floored.

What happened?

The other tumors had disappeared.

And then this?

The doctor thinks that the prednazone she was taking for her rheumatoid arthritis (an immune system suppressant) might have compromised the il2 treatment (which was an immune system booster)

why why why

this is not fucken fair.

The waiting is the hardest part...

mom gets her results 2mrw.

We are both so anxious.

Her more than me of course...

but i can feel her pain, especially since she is already battling cancer, and now the wait - to see if the treatment is still working.

The waiting is the hardest part.

My breasts are like a well marbled porterhouse steak

my breasts (according to my ultrasound of them today) look like a well marbled porterhouse steak.

Unfortunately, those are not my melons, so I thank whoever put those up on the net for me to make this wonderful analogy.

While mom was going for her PET scan, i was seeing the breast specialist about the lump in my left armpit near my breast. He looked at the mammograms, other ultrasounds, and then decided it needed further investigation. Two hours later, at the other side of town, i saw him again, this time, radio waves would bounce off them to send home pretty pictures.

He explained the whole image: "this is your rib, muscle tissue, fatty layer..."

"Geeze. That looks exactly like the porterhouse steak I had yesterday on the bbq"

He laughed aloud.

"that's the first time i ever heard that one before!"

"It looks like a good one. Well marbled..."

He laughed again. And then I began to laugh at the nonchalant way those things just rolled off of my tongue. Yea, that was pretty fricking funny.

They found the lump and took a biopsy. I saw the needle go in - black and white - live feed. In and out, "jiggling it a bit to get all the cells we can." It began to hurt.

"We're almost done."

And then we were.

The results. Did I really want to know?

"you can either pay to have them done here, and you get the results in 10 minutes, or you can wait to get them from the hospital in 2 weeks."

What do you think I chose?

so for 10 minutes, i tried not to stress, thinking that if it was indeed breast cancer or the beginnings of it, there was nothing I could do at that point, only move forward the best way I could. I ran the elliptical tape of spanish phrases and verbs in my head to drown out the ticking of the clock.

I walked into his office, sat down and watched him look at my dossier.

"it's normal. No cancer. You have nothing to worry about."

That is the best two words anybody can say to me. "I do" was the one that E told me a month ago, and "no cancer" today. I walked outside, relieved and tired. Had only slept 4 hours the night before. Perhaps exhaustion beyond normal fatigue is a good way to combat stress. Maybe not, but today it worked.

Mom might get her results on Friday. I want to go with her, and feel that i should, but I would like BSpgty to come along. We all support each other - I support mom, and BSpgty supports me and my mom. Mom supports BSpgty and myself.

I really really hope mom she gets those same two words.

I hope...

Learn a new language

This place is amazing!!!

So user friendly, so clear, so much fun!

I'm signing up for Spanish, Greek, and of course, my mother tongue - Slovak.

And did I mention - IT'S FREE!?!?

gadgets for motivation

2 miles today with my new toy and shoes.

Run was good, but shoes were not.

Got them on sale, but i think somebody wore them before me, cause when I took them off, the left foot at the cuff was pulling to the right - the inside of the shoe. It was pretty obvious when i took them off. No wonder I was having sharp pains on the inside of my right knee.

Will bring them back to the store with a disclaimer: "Check your shoes before you re-sell them".

Bastards.

Think I'll pony up the extra $ to get a NEW pair.

Looking forward to more runs, perhaps I'll try outside cause inside on the treadmill is too easy...

Damn, I am fine. You should see me in a speedo...

Thank you for stopping by my friend.

You always seem to pick the perfect moment to shed some light on my darkest days :-)

Thank you for sharing this manifesto.

I was so impressed, I decided to copy it here too

AN INCOMPLETE MANIFESTO FOR GROWTH

Written in 1998, the Incomplete Manifesto is an articulation of statements exemplifying Bruce Mau’s beliefs, strategies and motivations. Collectively, they are how we approach every project.

1. Allow events to change you.You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.
2. Forget about good.Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth.
3. Process is more important than outcome.When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we've already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.
4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.
5. Go deep.The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.
6. Capture accidents.The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.
7. Study.A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.
8. Drift.Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.
9. Begin anywhere.John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.
10. Everyone is a leader.Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.
11. Harvest ideas.Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.
12. Keep moving.The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.
13. Slow down.Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves.
14. Don’t be cool.Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort.
15. Ask stupid questions.Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.
16. Collaborate.The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.
17. ____________________.Intentionally left blank. Allow space for the ideas you haven’t had yet, and for the ideas of others.
18. Stay up late.Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.
19. Work the metaphor.Every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. Work on what it stands for.
20. Be careful to take risks.Time is genetic. Today is the child of yesterday and the parent of tomorrow. The work you produce today will create your future.
21. Repeat yourself.If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.
22. Make your own tools.Hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. Even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. Remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.
23. Stand on someone’s shoulders.You can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. And the view is so much better.
24. Avoid software.The problem with software is that everyone has it.
25. Don’t clean your desk.You might find something in the morning that you can’t see tonight.
26. Don’t enter awards competitions.Just don’t. It’s not good for you.
27. Read only left-hand pages.Marshall McLuhan did this. By decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our "noodle."
28. Make new words.Expand the lexicon. The new conditions demand a new way of thinking. The thinking demands new forms of expression. The expression generates new conditions.
29. Think with your mind.Forget technology. Creativity is not device-dependent.
30. Organization = Liberty.Real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. That context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. The myth of a split between "creatives" and "suits" is what Leonard Cohen calls a 'charming artifact of the past.'
31. Don’t borrow money.Once again, Frank Gehry’s advice. By maintaining financial control, we maintain creative control. It’s not exactly rocket science, but it’s surprising how hard it is to maintain this discipline, and how many have failed.
32. Listen carefully.Every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. By listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. Neither party will ever be the same.
33. Take field trips.The bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic–simulated environment.
34. Make mistakes faster.This isn’t my idea -- I borrowed it. I think it belongs to Andy Grove.
35. Imitate.Don’t be shy about it. Try to get as close as you can. You'll never get all the way, and the separation might be truly remarkable. We have only to look to Richard Hamilton and his version of Marcel Duchamp’s large glass to see how rich, discredited, and underused imitation is as a technique.
36. Scat.When you forget the words, do what Ella did: make up something else ... but not words.
37. Break it, stretch it, bend it, crush it, crack it, fold it.
38. Explore the other edge.Great liberty exists when we avoid trying to run with the technological pack. We can’t find the leading edge because it’s trampled underfoot. Try using old-tech equipment made obsolete by an economic cycle but still rich with potential.
39. Coffee breaks, cab rides, green rooms.Real growth often happens outside of where we intend it to, in the interstitial spaces -- what Dr. Seuss calls "the waiting place." Hans Ulrich Obrist once organized a science and art conference with all of the infrastructure of a conference -- the parties, chats, lunches, airport arrivals — but with no actual conference. Apparently it was hugely successful and spawned many ongoing collaborations.
40. Avoid fields.Jump fences. Disciplinary boundaries and regulatory regimes are attempts to control the wilding of creative life. They are often understandable efforts to order what are manifold, complex, evolutionary processes. Our job is to jump the fences and cross the fields.
41. Laugh.People visiting the studio often comment on how much we laugh. Since I've become aware of this, I use it as a barometer of how comfortably we are expressing ourselves.
42. Remember.Growth is only possible as a product of history. Without memory, innovation is merely novelty. History gives growth a direction. But a memory is never perfect. Every memory is a degraded or composite image of a previous moment or event. That’s what makes us aware of its quality as a past and not a present. It means that every memory is new, a partial construct different from its source, and, as such, a potential for growth itself.
43. Power to the people.Play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. We can't be free agents if we’re not free.

and so the saga continues...

I don't know what to say...

I was beyond "floored" when I got this.

E and I had just come back from an AMAZING vacation in Cuba (God, I love that place) - sun, sand and good times. We were both well rested (it took E a big longer - he actually had two conference calls, or attempts at conference calls - not to mention that my cell bill is going to be over 500$ for sure, and only really began to relax mid week) and came back refreshed and tanned. We had never been on vacation together before - never a "real" vacation that didn't involve camping or "rolling work into a vacation" tip, so this message was such a ice cold welcome back home.

On shitbook, unless somebody creates a "subject line" for a message, only the first few lines appear in the "from" line. So there I was, all excited about this nice note from dad, which quickly turned into sobs of anger and frustration.

Seriously - what the fuck?!

I suggest that you read the following entries to really get the gist of what is going on. After you read part 1 and part 2 you will have a new appreciation of how confused I am as how to reply.

HPK,

Your wedding was a dream. Your beauty and E's personality were the tops. The location and setting were "A" class and once again I congratulate the both of you.


Something was out of line and hit me hard. As I was not any part of your wedding, I wondered why..... was I invited.


I have to express my deep hurt feelings as I felt so much like an outcast.


No pictures of you and I were taken. Not even one.

I was not even part of "The Family Reception Line " to meet all of your guests. At that moment...... I felt like leaving......, but decided to say as I had to much respect for your wedding day.


Your comment to me on the reception line "THANKS FOR COMING" as if me ...DAD, was considered as a GUEST. That hurt ..the most.


Not once did you come personally to see your Dad and talk for a bit.


I refer to my email of the of March and your reply in which both our us had suffered enough over the past 30 years and the mending time as GROWN ADULTS were in process and turn the pages of the past and begin a new loving one as Father and Daughter.


I was hoping for this change to be and you had a chance to mend things together at your wedding...... obliviously it was far from your process and now I realize the true picture.


30 years is a long time to carry a grudge , and life must go on through many more tough hurdles and ever so passes by so quickly.


You made your choice and I accept your decision to keep your "Father of the Bride", regardless of the past, out of the pictures on this truly special daughters marriage occasion.


So...... as I now will turn another page in my life with you, I wish the both of you Happiness.

happy fragments - a memory of a magical night

I will have to do this in fragments

it's late, and oddly enough, past my new bedtime hour, but I have to take the memories where and when I can find them - so here they are, a few at a time.

Incredible - the weather, the place, the dress, the mood, the food.

ohh. the food was sooo good!

Memories - the Limo

And go figure, it was called the Presidential limo. No letter from Obama, but like mom said: "at least we got the Presidential Limo!" I hope somebody got a shot of me leaning near the crest making a thumbs up.

Lori could not believe how calm i was, and kept on saying so. I too was calm. Don't know how I did it, but I was. Even Ma. Neither of us cried (I don't think she did) but i was stoic, peaceful throughout.

Yea, I guess I rocked.

Dancing 

Remember at some point, Betty telling everybody to do the conga line - follow the bride. Remember looking back and seeing about 15 people waving their arms in the air - mimicking my steps. Too funny!

The ceremony

The superman blessing. How cool was that?

Seeing E tear up as he was reciting the vows. That took my breath away. How sweet was that?

Oh that had to be the best mass I have ever attended in my whole life.

That day, Fr. Gerry made us all see how cool God was...

Remember standing at the bottom of the steps, waiting for Scott, and looking outside and seeing Auntie Lilly and Uncle Stanley coming out of the car. Their fragile bodies slowly making their way up the stairs. That moved me so very much that they took the time and effort to come.

Walking down the isle - the British Airways commercial in the background on a Cassavant organ. Betty flagging me and my mom down - "Don't walk so fast! Slow Down!"

Me walking slowly, taking it all in, looking at all the faces looking at me, and then as I got closer, E looked over to me and smiled.

Sitting there, listening to Fr. Gerry talk about how he knew me, met eric, his connection to the Pols and Slovaks, the whole unity thing. He should be speech writing for Obama...

And then the vows. Facing the crowd. That was so new. I wasn't nervous. I could tell E was tho.

Still can't believe how calm i was. Don't know what came over me. And it was only .25 of an Ativan. Baby dose. And I only took it in the limo for backup; and in retrospect, I don't think I even needed it.

Our first dance.

That actually turned out to be no too painful. E was lubed up, but i was yet to discover the joys of having an open bar.  Perhaps it was a good thing he was smoothed - no counting and bobbing his head. Yea, I guess it was a good thing. We hit our mark on the end - photo finish. Everybody loved it. Auntie and Uncle told ma that we "were the new generation of dancers". Coming from two former champions, that rocked.

and I ended up wearing the shoes I wore the first time. The shoemaker made the others too big. A disappointment to me and E, but the other shoes brought us good luck. They were happy feet again.

The food - oh how awesome it was!

Really enjoyed it. But that whole Little Miss M meltdown at the table as E did his speech. Hmmm. Thank God E's joke saved the moment.

And the whole cupcake table - that was such an awesome job Anayiz did!! I hope lots of people took lots of photos of it!

And to hear how much everybody loved the whole get up - theme tables, the cd's, cupcakes etc. All that hard work, late nights were worth it.

The shoot at the park.

That was nice. Oh the weather was just perfect.

I had been terrified all the way home from the hair salon. Grey, cold, and getting darker by the minute. At one point, it even began to sprinkle, and like magic - the clouds parted, the sun came out, the temperature rose and as I stepped out of the house, into the limo - summer began.

It was so nice to walk around in the grass, the sun in my eyes, not having to worry that at 6pm, i would need a shawl or jacket (thank God we didn't end up spending 175$ on a shawl!) cause I didn't' need one anyway. Hope scott got some good shots.

Still kicking myself for not bringing my camera.

but I can't worry about that now, or let it drag the rest of these fond memories down.

Note to self: how often do you say after a concert: Oh i was so pissed off and disappointed they didn't play this song!? and let that leave a bad taste in my mouth? Can't do that now.

Must remember that out of 70+ people, at least 50 were taking photos that day. At the church, ti sounded like a press conference!!

Ooof. I am pooped.

must sleep, and hopefully to return refreshed with more happy fragments 2mrw.

from this day forward...

Everything was simply perfect -

the dress, the makeup, the hair

the maid of honor and bridesmaids

my mom and all her wonderful glowing aura rays

the limo

the flowers

the church

the organ music

the huge group of people who came

the food

the decoration

the music

the dancing

and the weather - oh the weather was just so perfect

and the man, the moment and the day

that is what dreams are made of

and my husband and i now being a new life together

from this day forward.

everything was just so perfect, beyond my wildest dreams

Advanced Cat Yodeling

oh my God.
These guys can pull me out of a deep depression in one single cat squeeze. Amazing job guys!

hello mr. president?

I found something that caught my eye in some bridal magazine, so I thought I'd investigate.

"Send your invitation to the President and get a signed reply" *

What the hell? I said to myself.

So during the past two weeks, in-between mania, depression, hallucinations, excitations, good and bad vibrations, I sent this off.

I'm not hoping for much, but was pleased as punch when the UPS tracking number said that my little package (invite, rsvp card, letter, and Lounge Cd extraordinaire!) made it into the Big House.

very cool

So here it is - my letter.

Pass the box of kleenex!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

(26 days and counting…)

Dear President Obama, and First Lady Michele,

It is with great pleasure, and such excitement that my fiancé and I are able to send you an invitation to our wedding!

As a Canadian, I must say, your last visit here, however brief, inspired our country on a political level, but most of all - on a personal level. A feeling of transformation, of renewed hope in these times of despair, conviction to overcome obstacles, and vision for a harmonious future can now be within reach during your upcoming terms as President.

With so many pressing issues across the globe today, it must seem that the world is resting on your shoulders as the eyes of millions look to you for solutions and guidance – but I have no doubt that your courage, compassion for humanity, belief in what is just and true will bring about many positive changes.

I must say, President Obama and Mrs. Obama, it is such a great privilege to be able to send you an invitation to our wedding; and as model married couple, your deep love for each other is so very beautiful and has become such an inspiration to my fiancé and I.  Having been together for already 10 years, E and I know how important it is to be supportive of one another. Having both parents on both sides live with cancer, we have become each-other's rock of Gibraltar.  I can't even begin to imagine how many years in politics must have caused strain on your marriage; but every TV interview together, you show such patience, kindness and support to one another which is just so refreshing to see.

I would have no doubt that a trip to Montreal at this point in time would be out of the question as the potential re-emergence of the swine flu, instability in the financial markets, and the volatility of the middle east, your need to keep abreast of these events takes precedence over an unknown Canadian couple’s wedding, but knowing that you will in some way, be connected to our special day is a great honor and blessing.

When my mother was diagnosed three years ago with an extremely rare and highly aggressive form of melanoma, having undergone countless surgeries and several rounds of chemotherapy (the last round being IL2 – the most difficult and often last resort of cancer treatments), the doctors gave her a 10-15% chance of survival after one year.  Having a loved one, especially a mother, diagnosed with cancer is an incredibly painful, lonely and sad moment.  I’m sure you must have felt much of what I had gone (and still go) through after your mother's diagnosis.  But when my mom heard about your stepping into the political spotlight, she confided in me:

“K, a few hours after Martin Luther King Jr. had been shot, you were born. The world mourned and a dream of a black president, for many, had died. But within this moment of sadness, the beginning of your little life brought me so much joy.

Many years later, the first time I hear about Barack Obama’s campaign, listened to him speak, I had renewed faith that someone like him would carry on MLK’s dream. My birthday being the same day as Dr. King, and you being born on the day of his assignation, I feel there is such serendipity and connection with this senator from Illinois, that I intend on living long enough to see him become President.” 

And when the last set of projections from CNN came in, we both wept tears of joy. That night, we celebrated her strength and courage in her battle with cancer, and the dawn of a new and transformational era in world politics. The words of MLK echoed in our minds and hearts – his dream was coming true.

I apologize if this letter is long winded (it’s not everyday that I get a chance to write to the President of the United States!) and even though I have no expectation that you would make it down to Montreal for our “big day” (and besides, this venue alone would be a logistical nightmare for your secret service, and police escorts, not to mention that feeding your entourage might difficult on our small budget) but knowing that somewhere in the White House, you your beautiful wife, might be reading this letter, enjoying our “easy listening lounge” CD, and knowing that we will be making a toast in your honor – a toast to your success, safety and health for you and your family, will be putting a smile on our faces a mile long.

And if you ever happen to stop by Montreal on your next Canadian visit, my future husband, my mom and I (can you tell we are such huge fan of the Obamas ?) would be absolutely delighted to show you the sights and savor the unique French Canadian cuisine (if you like Beaver Tails, and enjoy a good burger every once and a while – a "Poutine" which is a dish of french fries slathered in sauce and cheddar cheese curds would be well worth the gastronomical adventure).

Have a wonderful day and thank you again for taking the time to read our letter.

(and we sincerely apologize for the date on the RSVP card – we could not get to our graphic artist to change it to a later one…)

Sincerely Yours,

 K & E

* had I seen this earlier, I would have invited the Queen and the Pope as well...

and all that to drink!

Originally uploaded by ondiraiduveau

kiss me you fool...

Originally uploaded by ondiraiduveau

Foxtrot Basic

I can't beleive that they are actually dancing to the same song that E and I used today for our first lesson. This is the song that will be our first dance. How uncanny is this!?!?

the scariest thing

excerpt from a letter to a friend, freeform...

i saw firsthand the side effects of IL2 treatment and it feaked me the fuck out.

I'm so shaken, i can't close my eyes...

20 minutes after her dose, mom began to shake - i mean almost grand mal-like seizures. Apparently the body goes into septic shock. And apparently, this bout was not bad. Last week, she was shaking the bed. Two nurses had to hold her down lest she fell out and onto the floor.

she writhed in pain - moaning and shaking. All I could do was stroke her hair and shoulder and keep on repeating :"I'm here mom. It will all be okay..."

will it?

She was admitted monday night, and they didn't start treatment until today - thursday.

That's a long time to wait. She's fed up, exhausted and wanting this to be over.

she doesn't think she'll make it to # 3.

The more she gets, the better her chances are for getting rid of this thing forever.

2 is not a good number. The doctor wants 8.

minimum...

I'm so overwhelmed.

Have been swinging up and down - manic to depressed, but a more desperate depressed and manic. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt the cats in a fit of uncontrollable rage, throw my computer out the window (those invitations. I'm sick that they are not working out...) but most of all, myself.

I stood on my balcony today - warm and sunny. Spring is finally here.

But the urge to dive to the cement below head first was almost overpowering.

They are becoming more and more frequent. 

I'm slowly losing control.

But nobody believes me. Nobody who knows me now believes me. They didn't see me 20 years ago, when out of desperation, trying to stop the voices, dangerous rage and abyss of depression allowed me to fly into oncoming traffic - arms spread, eyes closed, willing to give away my life to the air.

what happened?

Somebody saw me.

I was saved.

times like this, i wish I had not been noticed...

snow job?

From: dad
To: hpk
Subject: RE: Note
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:53:46 -0400

hpk,

I have always accepted you as you were and will continue to do.

Some situations and some people had kept you away from me but you were still in my inner mind and heart.

I had too suffered all my life with the emptiness as much as you did.

The only privilege in our lives is to be daughter and father.

I hope your expressions on your feelings will help you through your heeling process and you can rest assure that I have no anger and will not be silence.

Dad


From: hpk
To: dad
Subject: RE: Note
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 2009 01:49:07 +0000


Hey dad,
thank you so much for your reply...
I was really surprised and happy that you well, surprised me with such a nice email.

I think we have a lot to catch up on. I'm glad we are taking the first step.

I just wanted to say hi and that I will reply with a longer email to this one.

Mom is in the hospital again - she's up to treatment # 8. Many people don't make it past 5! The doctor is hoping that she will get to 11 out of the 12 - the more the better are her chances. At 11 last time, her lungs were filled with fluid (water retention is a huge side effect- she put on almost 20 from the water weight alone last time..). So we will see if she'll be home on the weekend. And if so, I will have more time to stay in one place rather than zip back and forth from hospital to home to hospital and then home again...

Have a great weekend..

xooxox

hpk




and this is where it gets weird...


From: dad
Sent: March 21, 2009 12:58:19 PM
To: hpk

Hpk, its great to hear your expressions and perhaps on the right track to living for you and E. As you get older in life, you may find out that seeking a partner who is compatible and doing things together will change the perspective in that nothing else counts as your days ahead are shorter than you think. Turning the page in your life now will not be easy but you must turn.

Many people tend to chose and live a lonely life, but that is there choice and it is not a good choice . The 30 years together with my 2nd wife is one of a bonding that couples work through hard and can do so because of compatibility. When you will get into our age bracket,many years from now, you perhaps will understand. But for now, work hard on with Mate on this avenue. It takes a lot of work but in the end you will find piece of mind and togetherness. Nothing else should take priority. Its you and E.

Please send our thoughts to your mom for speedy recovery.

Take care and will be in touch.

Dad

xxoo



?????

Once again, things get complicated, or he can't deal or his wife got to read the last email and told him to write this.

I dunno..

Some situations and some people had kept you away from me

what do you make of that???

Letter to a friend - today, in a state of feeling lost and sore.
I sometimes surprise myself with what comes out of these achy joints and wiry fingers...


Hello my dear,
i just wanted to touch base to see how you were doing? How is your health? From your posts I gather that all is not too well?

I'm in the same boat - lab rat too...

got the results from my last detailed invasive pap test last friday - high grade pre cancerous cells found on my cervix. Made me flip out, despite my doc saying that :"its not cancer, but we will have to monitor it because it might, one day become so.." Just what i needed to hear after my grandmother dying, my mom finishing her treatment and oh yea, planning a wedding!!

So much - so many things going on, so many emotions. I feel like i am trying to keep afloat but doing a shitty job in this little leaky boat. I see the shore, but am getting tired of bailing out the water that keeps rising near my ankles...

I constantly look to your amazing photos as inspiration - it's so nice to see that your paintings are moving you in a new direction, and photos are transforming themselves into new and mysterious beautiful mysteries. It's been ages since i picked up my camera. More than a year since I turned it onto myself. I guess I'm afraid of who i am, who I've become and where i am going. Oh how i wish I could turn that fear into excitement and curiosity!

so on that note, my work out from two days ago and a period that has been late for 2 months decided to all hit me with a mammoth baseball bat to every muscle in my body, i must rest, but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

a long time coming...

as my mom said "this was 30 years in the making"

i was 11 when my parents divorced.
And after saying goodbye to my grandmother for one last time, I knew that she was watching over me, her and my aunt, when they helped me find the strength to write this letter...


From: dad
To: daughter

Subject: Note

Date: Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:54:03 -040


hpk, I'm somewhat disappointed in finding out things like in your facebook or after the fact about Jim's wife passing away, like your upcoming wedding and now about the passing away of your grandmother. I'm the last one only to find out when looking on your facebook instead of a small email from you personally


Dad



From: hpk

To: dad

Subject: RE: Note

Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:35:12 +0000


dad,

please understand that i'm i a really bad place right now - facebook is just a shout out to all my friends/family cause often I don't have the energy to sit down and type things and send emails to everybody I really want to..

it's been so hard the last little while - with mom's health, e's stress which is forever mounting, the small things to organize the wedding which are really enough to drive everybody crazy, and then my health scares... Was sick - so much so I collapsed. I was sure I had a stomach flu, but as it turns out - I maybe have a peptic ulcer - was blocked up for a week - tried everything. Gaged through each glass of water - never threw up, but came close. A week in horrible pain, - went for an abdominal ultrasound, abdominal xray and nothing. Then the lumps near my left breast near my underarm was getting bigger and more sore. all I could think about was cancer, and I could not get one doctor to tell it to me straight...


so sometimes, i just send out a little shout cause that's all i can manage to have the strength for - and these days, it's all that i got...


and now with starenka gone - i wanted nothing more than for her to be at my wedding. Just a few days before, i asked her what she was going to wear, and now she's gone...

i can't wrap my head around that...

and auntie j - i was as floored as you were. Mom and i didn't know at all

funny, in the age of information such as email, communications still get lots along the way..

I hope your interferon treatments go well and wipe out all those little nasty cells...

But I'm sure they will -you are one tough mean joe green and that is one thing I admire most about you and mom - not quitters - never give up - stand up and punch adversity in the mouth...


I just wish I could find the strength to do the same. I'm so worn down, so very worn down..


Happy, and in love, but my spirit is pretty beat up.


thanks for your thoughts

talk soon

oooxo
k



From: dad

To: hpk

Subject: RE: Note

Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:04:47 -0400


hpk, I do understand what your going through and hope that your communication through your friends in facebook is necessary, however, I hope you don't consider me as a friend. You know, as a father, I should have more personal important information and have the privilege being a Father instead of facebook friends.


I know reading over your email the turmoil that you are taken upon yourself and in some way I disagree. The three most precious things in your life these days are, your Mother, me, your Father and E. All others are hardship which you cannot control. Take it as it is and let it flow freely instead of trying to coop with other situations and problems and perhaps the positive vibes will bring your body to the three things which you should care for and the ailing pains will pass.

Take care and be positive and remember what your mom and I are going through. We can only accept the situation in a positive mind and keep on living daily and enjoy the few happy years ahead of us now.

Love Dad.




my reply last night
it took three hours, but it was an unedited steam of thought.
And after re-reading it, I'm pretty fucken impressed with myself...

dad,

i have read this email and understand what you are saying...

but please understand where i am coming from..

of course you are more than a friend, you are my dad, and technically will always be my dad, but at the same time, you have been absent for most of my teen and adult life and I believe that you being privy to what now happens in my life, being "a dad" is not a privilege or right when you have not been an "actual dad" for most of my life.


You can't just "step into the role" when you want.

I don't think fatherhood works that way. At least, in my book, it doesn't...


That still hurts - not having you around all the time, not being there for the big and even the little things in my life like a dad should. I used to look at my friends and their family photos and wished that could have been me - happy and together.


When I graduated with my degree from film - "with distinction/honours", shaking hands with the Dean of the university, on stage after in the mezzane - seeing proud fathers standing beside their daughters. When I won all those awards for my film - my film about my very difficult nervous breakdown - in front of 500 people on a saturday screening, going up to accept my award for best film, i was happy, but without you there. it was not the same.

and then there were the sad times - when my heart was broken so many times, when i was in the hospital, so sick and in intensive care - almost in severe kidney failure and fast tracked for a transplant, when i cried for days after finding out that my best best friend shot himself in the head at the age of 24 or when i found out that mom had cancer.

or when you and mom divorced...

i needed you there when i felt like i was the reason you and mom split up

i needed my dad and you were not there...

but I pulled through - and with the love and support of auntie, uncle my little cousin/sister l, and of course the strength and amazing courage of starenka and mom, i survived, and with their help, became the beautiful talented woman i am today.


And they accepted me for all that i have done, all that I am and continue to do and be, which i am forever thankful for because I have been judged by many, and being an artist, that is part of the game, but i never would have made it to galleries in Seattle, Arizona, Toronto and most of all and importantly New York without their support.


I know i could have not done it without them and now with e in my life - God bless e. He is my everything, and because of him, i can believe in love again. Know that marriage doesn't always have to end in divorce, and have a partner in life and love to walk with me till i'm old and grey, and beyond...

but I needed your support back then too..

BUT I also understand that you did (left us) what you did and I'm not angry anymore about it and don't hate you for what you did.

I've come to terms with you having a need to move on with your life - your life with mom was not a happy one, and if you would have stayed together, it might have caused us all even more amounts of grief and pain. The break was a necessary one. And as an adult, I now understand all of that. I have accepted that. Life goes on. We all move on. We all turn another page...

but somewhere inside of me, a little hpk is still hurt and feels left behind in the messy divorce


you know all that crap about coming to terms with your "inner child" - well, i realized that i have a lot of healing to do - and even at 40, i still miss the happy family that we could have been but never were...

there are so many things that have happened to me, and to those around me - some things you never could have imagined - both good and bad, but how do we, you and me, make up for that lost time?

I don't know - I wish i had the answers, and wish i could turn back the hands of time, but that is something we just have to come to grips with...


so all of this to say - i'm so very very happy that we have reconnected, and are slowly rebuilding our relationship, but understand that it's gonna take some time for me to get used to you being back in my life again. Cause for so many years, we were never really that close - and yea, i did consider you more of a friend than dad just because when I was only seeing you on weekends, and then over the years, once or twice a year is what i do with friends. Not even friends, acquaintances...


i admire your courage - what you have gone through, and continue to do so, but i am not you who seems to bounce back from adversity and setbacks with what I get from the tone of your emails, steely determination, resolve and unemotional distancing, but dad, and am sensitive, get hurt easily, and being open about my fears and weaknesses is the way that i work through my problems/turmoil is just how i am.

can you really accept me for who i am?


All of this shit - stress and life's ups and downs, I will get through this.

I alway have, but it seems that me showing you my vulnerable side makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for that. I am your daughter, and I hope that as my father, you will accept me for all that I am, cause that is what a father should do, and that it is you who are privileged because i decide to let you back into my life...

and today was a very sad day indeed.

We all wept because we will miss her, but then smiled, and remembered how wonderful and what an incredible woman starenka was.

But grieving is a very personal thing, and i turn to support from people who have supported me, hence posting to my facebook page.


They may seem like strangers to you, but to me, some of them are as close to family as family can be, and have gathered around to send their love and strength my way.

I have been wanting to say all of this to you for some time, but never had the courage, mainly because i feared that whatever little contact I had with you would end - you would disappear again and you would forever be out of my life because you could not handle me and my emotions, but as i type this, i feel the loving hand of auntie on one shoulder, and starenka, the other, giving me the strength to write these words to you because i have, for so many years, not been able to.

we both have a lot to think about, and a part of me even doubts that you will get this far into the message without just getting really pissed off and sending me an angry email in response, but that is my memory of you - hair-trigger temper, and anger followed by silence.

I really hope you can prove me wrong.

so on that note, I must rest.

I have done enough grieving to last me a few years, including the letting go of these painful emotions/thoughts of our relationship

and of course, and seeing starenka for one last time.

mom starts round two of her IL2 treatment again on monday so I won't be near my email or phone for a while as I will be spending most of my time at the hospital.

once again, i hope this email opens the door to more dialogue and doesn't close it forever.

always your daughter,
hpk

this is creepy...

the daily ohm creeps me out sometimes

the timing is uncanny - especially for today's D.O

March 12, 2009
Messages From Your Emotions
Aries Daily Horoscope
Your spirits may seem low today, which may make you feel like spending time alone in order to sort out your feelings. This melancholy could seem uncomfortable at first, but perhaps it is a message from both your body and spirit to relax and recuperate from the things in the outside world which have caused you stress. Today you might want to simply allow yourself to be with whatever feelings arise, even if they are uncomfortable. Should you start feeling down, you can just acknowledge the feeling as it surfaces. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “I feel….” As you continue to breathe, you may want to remind yourself that this feeling is normal and that you care about the feeling and what it has to tell you about your life at this moment. You may find that your mood begins to lift once you have accepted your emotions as they occur.

Being present with our emotions allows us to accept our life at it is in the moment. When we feel down we often wish to escape from our situation and struggle with our current uncomfortable feelings and our desire to feel better. But by resting within our unpleasant sensations, we learn to accept them for what they are. We begin to realize that these feelings are telling us that we have to slow down and listen to their message instead of running away from them. By letting yourself be with your emotions today, you will gain greater insight into the powerful messages that they send you.

one story ends, another begins...

we went to see mom's doctor today

we waited and waited - 3 hours just to see him, another 45 minutes with him

we all waited to find out the results of the PET scan which would decide if she would move on with her treatment or not

and then the news came:

the tumors are now gone. 

Nothing has come back.

the cancer has disappeared

I told my mom that grandma had to leave this world to help her from a distance.

She agreed with me.

some people may think this is bullshit, but with a 10% chance of this treatment actually working on such an aggressive cancer was such a long shot, we planned for the worst, hoped and prayed for the best.

and the best came, and we are so very very happy.

She has a second chance at life - again.

In the tears we will shed tomorrow at the funeral home, and then friday at the cemetery, we will also be looking forward to mom's life cancer free. 

Hoping for forever, but are very happy and content with now.

Monday she starts round two of the treatment, and is already looking to the light at the end of the tunnel.

one story ends, another begins...

Goodbye Vandoosh

Goodbye Vandoosh
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

Goodbye vandoosh.
the world seems a little less wonderful without you in it...

anchor

I have not been here in a while

when we were going through my g.mother's things yesterday, we came across her journal. She kept one right till the end. I guess that runs in my family. Grandfather loved to write, so did she, and here i am, fingers dancing on keyboard . A word is a word is a word. I find comfort in that.

this is my anchor.

Like memories, Words never really go away.

the following is a letter to a friend who is on the other side of the ocean, with family, friends and her home.

I hope that you are home - having a wonderful time, taking in the nordic air, taking a dip in the ocean, knowing your life is complete and on the right track without the ghosts of the past, one in particular perhaps very near where you are...

Well, on my side of the ocean, just got back from the clinic.
they are so full of shit. ONLY one problem at a time is their thing. The doctor turned up her nose when I told her about my pit - so my stomach took priority, meanwhile, my armpit is going numb and the scope traveling up and down my arm and into my breast. I go for a mamo 2mrw but won't get the results for weeks...

so had to fork out 200 for bloods (that's plus the 100 for the ultrasound on friday, plus the 250 from three weeks ago for those bloods that found nothing...)

I'm falling apart,


And it's so weird knowing my grandmother is gone. Mom said :

"Funny, it's like we expected her to be around forever - we almost forgot that she was almost 90!!" 

But it's still weird. I know you know what i mean...

We had a nice dinner - my mom, her friend b and e - remembered the qirky things about her - how she liked to keep stacks (and i mean stacks) of napkins "just in case". WW2 remnants of that mentality. 

And how she used to pencil in her eyebrows like huge arcs over her eyes. 

How I was her special granddaughter - the first. 

And how my doing my greek impressions she would always laugh and laugh. 

I wish I had a chance to talk to her one last time...

She said a few things to the nurses a few days before - "How will I know my daughter (m - her daughter who died of cancer last year) if I won't have a body.?" and when asked if she needed some Myoflex for her joints, she said "I won't need it where I'll be going..."

Funny how they just know.

Did she give up? Or just give in ? we will never know...

The hardest will be on thurs for the viewing. and then the funeral on friday.
Mom will fall apart more or less depending on what she finds out wedensday. God I hope to high heaven that the cancer has not come back, let alone spread...


I am going to nap. Round two with my eye doc at 2:30pm to see if I'm losing my sight and/or will need surgery.

It's snowing here - big fluffy flakes.

just when we thought spring was finally here, the sky opens up and cries soft tears...

goodbye

it was about 6:30pm when she died - a heart attack. Quick and silent, and apparently, without pain. She was surrounded by the wonderful women at the nursing home where she stayed - her "home" away from home. She loved it there, and they all loved her. She was one of the most lucid people in the whole building.

I was asleep when e woke me up to tell me. 

I'm still in shock.

It was just a few days ago we were talking about what she was going to wear to my wedding.

she loved it when i did my impression of the greek woman in the house next to my mom's. 

she loved it when i laughed

she loved it when i sang "sing with heehaw vandoosh" - apparently vandoosh was a name I heard somebody say on the radio, and at 3 years old, you couldn't tell me that it was not a real word.

38 years later, it still made her laugh so very hard - we all did.

What a wonderful memory. One of many...

So very sad. I wanted nothing more than her to see me walk down the isle - her first granddaughter.

Goodbye Starenka.

Hopefully, you will find many vandooshes to sing to you in heaven and may the souvlaki and greek music fill your days with sunshine.

I will love you and miss you terribly.

lotsa things

so on friday, mom got the news:

all clear!

We couldn't believe our ears - was this possible? Did the treatment really work??! Could it be?

Well, according to her doc, the cancer is gone, and they are going to do a backup round of IL2 just to be on the safe side; like antibiotics, you have to do the whole treatment even if you feel better -just to be on the safe side..

but oh what a releif!!

But oddly enough, the first thing that went through my mind is: now it's our of her body, who's body will it enter into next?

how horrible is that?

I'm really working hard on changing my thinking patterns - but after a year of exhausting emotional roller coaster rides, it's easy for the mind and spirit to slip into dark murky waters. 

but for now, she's in the clear.

and i'm planning my wedding in June!

Lots of little things to do add up to a big to-do list, but i'm trying to take it all in stride so far. I never thought it would be so complicated (least complicated being eloping), but i have a feeling it will all work out in the end, as things always seem to.

so on that note, i'm taking a well deserved little rest for a while - to reflect, reconnect and rebuild for the future and for my sanity!

(and Jal: ;-) xoxo)

happy holidays

i have been hiding - from a lot of things, one of them being myself and my feelings, fears, wishes, and desires.

not a good thing

so on this day before xmas, I decided to return to something that has given me such joy over the past few years - and to wish all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers a merry Christmas and a wonderful happy healthy new year.

looking back to my previous posts, I have to say that 2008 has been one of the worst years on record, so lets all hope that 2009 will be a little easier.

mom's treatment is over - it was sheer hell in so many ways. She is doing better, and cooking and entertaining tomorrow. My grandmother is coming from the home to spend time with us - which will be nice.

i'm planning my wedding! Got the hall, priest, church and most of all - the dress (that was the first thing to fall into place).
Got a new light kit - hopefully i will be able to move forward in my pursuit of photographic excellence.
and life goes on - i'm making a promise to myself to stay healthy, work out on a regular basis (maybe a 1/2 marathon in my future?) and learn to relax.

tall orders, but i seem to be at peace with things so far - things are calm this christmas eve, as that's the way they should be.

thank you all for being out there, for caring, for listening.
oxoxox

the storm before the storm

things have been happening at lightening pace - many good things, but too many bad things as well...

mom is going in for round two of treatment, and the first one was so brutal, it makes me weep thinking about how hard it was for her.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last - this front of calm and strength.

The foundations are already cracked - the storm is coming. Flood waters rising...

my own health is going down the tubes. I fear that I might be developing a heart arrhythmia. I don't want to involve my mother in this. She is having enough of a hard time with life now.

It just keeps coming.
And it does not stop.

but either it will, or my body, or I will.

Or my will to fight it all.