happy holidays

i have been hiding - from a lot of things, one of them being myself and my feelings, fears, wishes, and desires.

not a good thing

so on this day before xmas, I decided to return to something that has given me such joy over the past few years - and to wish all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers a merry Christmas and a wonderful happy healthy new year.

looking back to my previous posts, I have to say that 2008 has been one of the worst years on record, so lets all hope that 2009 will be a little easier.

mom's treatment is over - it was sheer hell in so many ways. She is doing better, and cooking and entertaining tomorrow. My grandmother is coming from the home to spend time with us - which will be nice.

i'm planning my wedding! Got the hall, priest, church and most of all - the dress (that was the first thing to fall into place).
Got a new light kit - hopefully i will be able to move forward in my pursuit of photographic excellence.
and life goes on - i'm making a promise to myself to stay healthy, work out on a regular basis (maybe a 1/2 marathon in my future?) and learn to relax.

tall orders, but i seem to be at peace with things so far - things are calm this christmas eve, as that's the way they should be.

thank you all for being out there, for caring, for listening.
oxoxox

the storm before the storm

things have been happening at lightening pace - many good things, but too many bad things as well...

mom is going in for round two of treatment, and the first one was so brutal, it makes me weep thinking about how hard it was for her.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last - this front of calm and strength.

The foundations are already cracked - the storm is coming. Flood waters rising...

my own health is going down the tubes. I fear that I might be developing a heart arrhythmia. I don't want to involve my mother in this. She is having enough of a hard time with life now.

It just keeps coming.
And it does not stop.

but either it will, or my body, or I will.

Or my will to fight it all.

a letter to a friend...

today, feeling so very vulnerable - a letter to a brilliant photographer and kindred spirit...


Hey R,
Thanks so much for touching base with me. I was really happy when you did - every little email goes a long way to help bring me out of the slump I have fallen into. I'm sure you put two and two together when I made that comment on your photo "speed limit"...

So how have you been?
well, my health - it's so up and down. I had a horrible dream that the doctor's office called to tell me I have cervical cancer - I know, a dream is just a dream, but still shook me up enough to haunt me for the past two days. Guess it's that my mom's 3 month PET scan is coming up - and next week, she gets the results. Perhaps I'm projecting, imagining what it would be like to be in her shoes, and it's not pretty. It blows my mind to see how strong she is and has been through this whole thing. I don't think I have even 1/100 of her guts as I find myself falling apart at the seams on a regular basis.

So I had this procedure to scrape off the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. Not a huge operation - done in office, but it still was a medical procedure along with needles and lots of industrial medical device noise. Thought I was hemorrhaging last week when all of the sudden, the bleeding got worse. Had to go back to the same doc to see what was up. I don't imagine that a prostate exam is any walk in the park, but for a woman to be lying down, legs spread open to the world is perhaps one of the most vulnerable places to be - physically and mentally.
Not a pretty place at all...

so it wasn't hemorrhaging, but a part of the healing process. My body was not happy - i guess the trauma had shaken everything up cause I felt sicker and achier, more emotionally vulnerable and volatile (on top of my bipolar which seems not to be managed very well lately). Shaken, not stirred - and ready to pop. So it's been really hard on me, not to mention everybody else around me.

I have seemed to abandoned photography and flickr. Funny, the thing that I used to save me in times of pain and fear has now turned into pain and fear. I once told somebody that manic depression is a mental cancer. Now that I reflect upon it again, it feels so much to be true. It's always there, can be manageable, but when it comes back, it's usually full force - relentless in its erosion of anything healthy - thoughts, hopes, dreams.

sorry to ramble on like this.
I sit here contemplating whether to delete this chunk of email or not, but perhaps in exposing these demons, I can begin to understand them and keep them from overtaking my life...

I see your photos and each and every one of them transports me to another world. You have a signature style, but no two images are even remotely alike. A quiet, yet profound maturity - a weathered soul with wisdom and insight garnered through years of hardship and joy. You really have such a gift, and in allowing the viewer to suspend their connection with their own present state, and enter yours through your photography, there truly is a healing element in that. I thank you for letting me heal through your images.

I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!!

I GOT MY LICENSE THIS AFTERNOON!

And I am so flipping overjoyed and relieved!!!!!!


all night it rained, and all night I kept on dreaming of how my first time drive in the rain - during an exam, was going to be the death of me - that I would skid off the road, not see clearly enough because there would be such a torrential downpour (we were actually having weather bulletins
issued on the weather network last night!), the windshield wipers would not be able to keep up, but alas, the sky was overcast, and a few droplets while i took my test run down there, but when I got into the car - no rain!!!

And what a relief that was!

already nervous like hell, i was hoping and praying for a friendly test person. The woman before me had one who was smiling, laughing, polite and kind. My luck, I'll get a grumpy one. And that I did.

He was young too - not more than 25, but filled to the brim with a cocky self-righteous attitude. I knew things were going to be tricky when I asked him kindly in french if he could give me the directions in english because French was not my mother tongue and I was a bit nervous.

He paused, and then without looking at me he said as a question:
S'il vous plait?

ARRRRRRRRGGHH!!

Same as asking somebody - "didn't you forget to say please?"

MotherFkr.

Oh mais oui!! Excusez moi - s'il vous plait?

off to a bad start. This was not good at all. I feared for the worst.

I tried to make small talk along the way - telling him about how I prayed for it not to rain today, and how every day that I was supposed to practice on a rainy day - the skies would open up and the sun would shine through - a miracle in reverse. He kinda smiled for that one.

the trip was short - 15-20 minutes tops. It was when we got back to park I began to panic again...

Parallel parking - on a sidewalk - two cars in front and behind you. That's what I was told parallel parking was, and I had it down to a science that I would conduct with my eyes closed and driving with my toes. What way does he ask me to park? Shopping mall parking lot parking.

Technically, that is a form of parallel parking, but not the kind everybody told me to study for!! So I tried to squeeze into a spot and it was close. When I asked him "i guess i might be too close to the guy next to me?" , he replied with a snarky comment:
"Well, what do you think?"

Ohh oh. Didn't like that tone of voice....


but I managed to straighten out the car, put it in park, and turned off the ignition. He pointed out a few things - lane changes, I slow down instead of speeding up, but he gave me a whole pontificating litany on how I was too close, and why did I keep on going so close when I saw that i was already close...

I was sure that i was going to fail, and was ready for those two painful words, but alas, after his little sermon on the art of parallel parking and all the things I did wrong, which went in through one ear and out the other, he said: "Otherwise, you drive well, so congratulations - you passed the exam."

I felt like shaking his hand and jumping up and down, but he was cold and snarky. Don't want to push my luck by leaning over to give him a hug.

And as I walked inside the bureau, I saw my mom waiting for me and flashed her a huge smile - she knew what that meant.


so after 20 years of having my learners permit, i finally FINALLY got my license!!!

Yippie!!
now i will nap cause I didn't sleep last night, and all that stress pre-exam has made me exhausted.

paradise lost

Before

I got these images from a friend who went to the same little place called paradise, that is paradise no more after hurricane Ike.

it was a hotel called Club Covarrubias in Holguin Cuba. I was there about 5 years ago and from what I remember, and what I'm seeing now, it rips my heart to shreds to see it look so bad.


Hurricane Ike hit the region very hard. About 2 hours from the Holguin Airport, Las Tunas, a really small region in the middle of nowhere was a secluded spot of heaven on earth.

The before and after photos are not mine, but I just had to post them so you can get an idea of what kind of devastation we are talking about.

the breakfast hut was leveled. It was right on the beach. It was a miracle that nobody was killed or seriously injured.

How long will it take until the hotel is restored to its former beauty? Nobody really knows. Cuba is still a communist state and any kind of supplies are hard to come by.

After

and speaking of rain...

still no rain today and my exam is 2mrw. And guess what is forecast for 2mrw? Showers. I told my mother that she could sit on the roof of the car and carry a hose with her so it would feel/look like rain, so at least I will get some feeling as to what it's like to drive in it. But as it stands now, 2mrw will be an experience. I'm trying not to think about bombing the exam, but my stomach is in knots and i hope I won't puke at the first downpour.

wish me luck...

rain rain go away...

I have been waiting all week to practice driving in the rain. It's sunny now. Not a good thing.

My driving exam is Monday, and the forecast is heavy showers.

I have never driven in the rain. Ever.
The last time it was pouring, E made his way home in the torrential downpour, and I kid you not, the moment that I stepped into the drivers side, the clouds broke and out came the sun.

How fucked up is that?!?!

So I'm so nervous. I hate rain, especially when I'll be driving in it for the first time in my life, and for the first time in 20 years, taking my exam.

I'm beyond nervous, I'm sick to my stomach ill.

So wish me luck people.
If I fail, I won't be around for while, too disturbed to do anything other than weep.

And Emma in the U.K, than you so much for visiting and your kind message the other day. It means so much to me that you cared enough to drop by and wish me well. God bless you and your family!
xo

My cervix is falling! My cervix is falling!

Phew...
went to see the doc yesterday cause I thought I was getting some sort of nasty infection - or something. My hoho didn't feel right - felt as if it was going to fall out. Seriously. The most bizarre sensation that I have ever felt in my life. Funny thing my body, up to a week before the operation, I was blocked up solid. A few hours after? I'm running to the bowl non stop. And the final last push often had me wailing in pain. "This can't be happening! Not now!" I shouted to my mom as she sat perplexed and helpless in the next room.

"Oh my dear! Is there anything I can do?"

And really, there was nothing that she could have done.

I popped immodium like a kid eating candy on Halloween, which, normally should have blocked me up till next year, but alas, the surgical assault on my body put my inner plumbing into overdrive - dry heaving after the three needles to numb my stubborn cervix, kept on pumping out the sewage at record speed.

not fun.

but a few days later, the storm subsided and life seemed to return to normal, until Tuesday, and the chaos began again...

I began to bleed - really bad. A lot. More than usual. A cause for alarm. Felt weak, about as strong as a wet piece of paper. Dizzy and clumsy. Exhausted and foggy. Was I hemorrhaging? I couldn't tell for sure. Did all that pushing finally shake something loose inside? Was my cervix really falling this time? (I knew it wasn't but it sure felt like it...)

The pain became almost unbearable. That ripping, shredding sensation was surreal and I began to panic. Was this normal? So long after the procedure?


Called the office - the nurse said to come down right away. An infection at that site could be really tricky to deal with if it's progressed to the surrounding tissue. Just what I needed...

Got there - this place is always full. Makes me think of what a betting area of a race track would look like. A hodge podge of anxious faces, waiting to be seen as soon as possible. The wait, an obvious strain apparent in their vacant stares. Almost full term mothers about to pop, pre, perio and post meopausal women fighting off hot flashes in this overly chilly air conditioned room, and a handful of anxious your ladies coming in for their first gyno exam or pap. All wanting to be seen as soon as possible. Get this over and done with fast. As soon as possible. Time is ticking, and the suspense is killing me...

I mean, who looks forward to seeing their gynecologist!?
I know I don't...

An uppity high society woman sat next to me, tapping on her pristine copy of the latest issue of Vogue magazine. Huffing and puffing into the air.
"this is ridicilous! I'm going to get you into see another doctor!"

She strutted up to the window and leaned in, ready for a catty confrontation.

"Excuse me miss. My daughter and I have been waiting here for the past hour and a half. What is the holdup?"

a muffled voice from behind the glass replied.

"yes, but she has school and I have to get her back to class. I don't understand - people have been coming in and out, many who have just come in and are being seen before us. Why is this happening?"

mumble mumble, doctors, mumble mumble, best we can, mumble mumble, please mumble mumble, as soon as possible...

She was pissed.

Her shiny Gucci loafers stomped back to her spot in the chair next to me. Huffing and puffing like a locomotive at rush hour, she snapped: "this is absolutley ridiculous!", making sure everybody around her and on the upper floors heard.

You can imagine my surprise, and fear for my life when just 15 minutes after my arrival, and two minutes after her tirade, my name as called. I was sure that the back of my head was going to be her target for the hard spine of a flying magazine...

The nurse was sweet and concerned. I gave her the rundown. She told me that everything would be okay and that the doctor would be in to see me shortly. I shivered beneath the thin cotton gown, another draped over my legs for warmth.

On the monitor in the corner was a still shot of a previous exam. I'll spare you the details, but it was not the kind of information I needed to see about the previous patient...

what a horrible looking desktop image i said to myself. Couldn't laugh too loud. But what a funny thought. Was thinking of passing that by the doc, but wasn't too sure if he would have found it as funny as I did, so I decided to keep it to myself.

He came in and said hi, a young intern, stiff and freshly academic by his side.

How are you Miss K? What can we do for you today?

i gave him my shopping list of symptoms, and questions. He was kind and concerned, but assured me that there was no real cause for alarm. After some poking and prodding, examining and having a session of medical show and tell, he surmised:

"well, you just have your period. There are no abrasions or cuts from the site, just a little tenderness, which is to be expected. I'm going to give you some antibiotics just to be on the safe side"

So that was it. Nothing to be worried about. Phew!
I was still in pain, and bleeding like a river, but at least I was assured that the healing had begun.

I thanked him, he told me to make sure to come back for the 6 month follow up and then was on my way out.

Walked up to the nurse (who's name was exactly the same as mine, and she was really sweet) and told her what happened.

"I know the other secretary told me that if they get the results, and everything is normal, they won't call, but can you call me nonetheless? I'm going to be waiting on pins and needles for the next 4-6 weeks, I just want to be sure."

"Oh no problem at all! I'm happy that the exam showed nothing serious. Take care of yourself. Everything is going to be alright." she squeezed my hand and smiled. I'm sure that I'm not the first worried woman she had encountered today.

and as I turned around to go, out of the corner of my eye, I saw madame vogue and her now teary eyed teenage daughter, who almost 45 minutes ago saw me walk down the hall into the examining room, coming back out again, look at me with daggers in their eyes. My wobbly legs were way ahead of the rest of my body in trying to find the nearest exit to escape to!

no excuses

love this - no excuses for the lapses in time between posts...

had the surgery on friday - painful and traumatic - quick and crappy.
cells of my cervix scraped away that were, in fact, pre-cancerous
waiting 4-6 weeks for the pathology report

went to the photosenstive thing - that was the only highlight of the past three weeks. We met some amazing people - cancer survivors. That alone is what gave me the strength not to fall apart on the gyno's table friday morning.

and this made me smile. Need lots of that now...

blogging without obligation

After coming across what seemed to be the 4000th or so post on someone's blog starting with "I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile." I decided it is time to rethink what makes a good blog and the expectations that have come to be part of it. I am thinking that no one should utter those words again . . .and with that thought I give you Blogging Without Obligation.

If you feel the same way feel free to grab the logo, make a logo or whatever you would like to do!

I release all the logos, thoughts and words mentioned here about this concept into public domain. Take the idea and run with it... or walk away. It is all good.

• Because you shouldn't have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.

• Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.

• Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.

• Because sometimes less is more.

• Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.

• Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.

• Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be "bloggable".

• Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won't be a chore. Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .
  

hahhahhahhhaahah

oh I love this place so much. Whenever I feel like utter crap, I browse some of their brilliant cards and laugh until I pee my pants.

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

what does this mean?
Well, something is wrong with my liver

lovely...

Got results from blood tests from my doctor today. He said it's nothing to be really alarmed about, but because they are high, they should be investigated, so I'm email my gastroenterologist 2mrw with lots of questions.


My body is falling apart.
Hit 40 -
don't go past GO.
Return to sender.
Payment Past Due.


euchhhguh

went to the gym thought.
thought I'd get as much exercise in as I could before I have to be "not doing any strenuous work or exercises that can get your heart rate up" - because since I'm going to have some pieces of me scraped out, and my previous history of being a bleeder, it's not a good thing to be too physically active until the old bat cave heals up.

but on the upside - driving is coming along. Not afraid of lane changes so much as I am afraid of these really fucked up drivers in this city. I shake my head every time I see someone go through a red light, cut off somebody or become outrageously agressive for no reason. Being behind the wheel gives you a whole new perspective on life on the road, and it's not pretty.

but i will try to emit rose petals instead of carbon monoxide from my car as I drive around and around...

some asshole posted this on my facebook page after I put up this picture and wrote about my mom and I being a part of the exhibit:

"fuck uuuu, fuck your mom....."

I am speechless...


let him have cancer and see how bold he feels about that then...

prick

I just got a call from the doctor's office -
I had the test done for a cancer screening two weeks ago.
The nurse told me to call her back as soon as possible because the doctor wants to talk about treatments

I'm sobbing so fucken hard I can hardly type this
E is coming home. But I'm now going out for a walk.
I don't' want to have cancer - not now.
I'm due to take my driver's exam on the 15th and am part of this fucken amazing photo project with two women...long story
I don't have the energy to say more.
just wanted you to know what was going on

today was such a nice day - was going to go for a swim in the pool park
now I'm in fear for my life and the "treatment"

please pray for me

I don't know what happened - things seemed to be going so well, and then I came back from camping - into civilization and it all began to fall apart and lightening speed.

Things have been dark and bleak for no other reason than I just feel shitty.
Trying to dig deep within myself to pull out of this blackness, but every effort is strained, raw, echoing bitterness for this black cloud that hangs over me.

I did meet two amazing women the other night - and with that, and the prospect of a collaborative project in the works, things might just turn around for me. I look forward to working closely with them. It felt so good to connect with the outside world - and with women who are strong, intelligent, creative and beautiful.

I have been trying to go swimming every other day - three times last week at the public pool. Oh how wonderful it was to feel buoyant! It's easy to forget how to float, but once in the water, I swam with speed and ease. Weightlessness never looked so good on me. Whenever I feel melancholy, my sinuses remind me of the bitter residue of chlorine that is still stuck in there, and I can't help but wince in pain and smile because of the memory it brings.

But the public outdoor pools will be closing soon - i feel sad that I had missed a whole summer of what could have been a whole summer outside swimming, but I can't think that way. I look forward to swimming indoors and taking lessons soon to perfect my strokes, feel even more confident in the water.

The NLP seems to have eluded me - all that I learned has faded into a pale memory. I wonder if hypnosis would not have been better for me.

but I can't think like that.
must interrupt the negative thinker
must interrupt
must stop
must
must

hidden passion numero uno

I do these things for fun - and tarot.com had a freebe so I said why not?

I need some guidance anyway...


Your Hidden Passion Number is 1

You have a strong drive to stand out. You have a great ambition and desire to accomplish. You are highly competitive and want to be the best and the first in everything you do. You are highly energetic and creative. You are capable of influencing and even dominating others. You have highly developed political skills, and can succumb to manipulation unless your ideals are high.

Ironically, there are times when you lack confidence, especially at an earlier age, but you have the strength to overcome this obstacle.

You are a survivor, a warrior, a leader. Many great athletes and politicians have this number as a Hidden Passion.

life path # 5

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often lands them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

The key to your personality is freedom. You love travel, adventure, variety and meeting new people. You possess the curiosity of a cat and long to experience all of life. You love to be involved in several things at the same time as long as you are not tied down to any one area. You like change, new things and new horizons. You make friends easily, your personality is upbeat and often inspiring attracting people from all walks of life.

You have a way of words and an uncanny ability to motivate others. You can be in sales, advertising, publicity, promotion, politics or any profession that requires your communication skills and understanding of people. You likely lack discipline and order. You can also be impulsive, doing or expressing things you regret later.

Freedom and a need for adventure sometimes is not properly controlled by those born with this Life Path, causing problems with drug abuse, overindulgence in food or sex, or generally abusing the gift of life. You are sensual and love to taste all of life. Sex, food and other sensory experiences are essential to the enjoyment of your life. You find it difficult to commit to one relationship, but once committed you can be as faithful as an old dog. You are multi-talented and possess a variety of diverse abilities. However, discipline and focus are the true keys to your success. Without these many of the tasks you begin will remain unfinished and you will fail to realize the true fruits of your abilities. With hard work and perseverance the sky is the limit.

You may have been perceived as a wild child by adults and a source of concern by your family. However, do not be obliged to hurry your choice of career. You are often a late-bloomer and need to experience life before you can truly know and commit to your heart's desire. Your challenge is to learn the true meaning of freedom. Change is constant in your world requiring adaptability and courage. Try to maintain an exercise program, keep your body in shape and limber. The flexibility and durability of your body will promote security and confidence within you.

You yearn for freedom and self-employment attracts you powerfully. Your challenge is to settle into one area to cultivate your ability sufficiently to earn a living and attain success. Once you find your niche the motivation and inspiration you supply others will bring you much in return, you will find your friends and colleagues supporting and promoting you on the road to success.

• Your Life Path number is 5
  
• Your Birthday number is 4
  
• Your Expression number is 2
  
• Your Heart's Desire number is 8
  
• Your Personality number is 3
  
• Your Maturity number is 7
  
• Your Balance number is 3
• Your Challenges numbers are 0, 2, 2, 2
• Your Pinnacles numbers are 8, 1, 9, 1
  

apple seeds for Martin

Martin Luther King Jr. has a special place in my heart.

He was born on my mother's birthday, and was shot the day I was born - only a few hours after the horrible incident.

I just happened to stumble upon this just before signing off here.

Perhaps it's time to get my apple seeds ready...

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.(1929-1968)

i'd never thought I'd hear the "c" word applied to me...

so this is what I have - barrett's esophagus - too much acid reflux over the years has worn away my esophagus - leading to scar tissue, which can, in time, become cancerous.

after being heavily sedated, after my gastroscopy, i wobbled to the waiting room for my surgeon to talk to me - and that's what he said. I think i must have turned a transparent white cause he took my arm and said: "I don't think it's cancerous, but we will have to wait for the biopsy, and then perhaps, schedule yearly gastroscopies to keep things in check".

i was too spaced out to really take in all the information, but tried to focus on the positive - all my ulcers had cleared up nicely, but today -

today...

hot on the heels of my other worry that Friday, another round of pap smears might confirm the presence of pre-cancerous cells in my cervix.

nothing is written in stone, i don't have any diagnosis (knock on wood!!!) but to even know that my risk factors are bumped up to (in this case with the Barrett's) to 125 times the risk, i'm not really in the best place right now.

oh how silly we are to think we are almost immortal - that death can't touch us

What is Barrett's esophagus?

Your esophagus is a tube that goes from your throat to your stomach. When you swallow food, it goes through this tube and into your stomach. Gastroesophageal reflux disease (also called GERD) is a health problem that happens when stomach acid goes up into your esophagus. If this happens over a long period of time, the acid can make changes in the lining of your esophagus. This condition is called Barrett's esophagus. In some cases, it can lead to cancer.

Who gets Barrett's esophagus?

People who have had GERD for a long time have a higher risk of getting Barrett's esophagus. This problem is much more common in white and Hispanic men. Smokers and people who are obese also have a higher risk. Barrett's esophagus is more common in people older than 50 years of age. Most people who have Barrett's esophagus are diagnosed after age 60. As a matter of fact, paitents with Barrett's esophagus have a 30-125 fol higher risk of developing cancer of the esophagus than the general population.

a little less stressed behind the wheel
managed to parallel park one shot, but that was a one shot deal. Tried to do it again but failed.

At least i did it one time - now i know it's possible...

but am changing lanes with less stress now. It seems as if it's becoming 2nd nature - well, twice removed, but i think that will wear away in time, to really become 2nd nature, like a 2nd skin.

but feeling overall shitty - must be the weather
rain rain rain

i was looking forward to having a whole batch of cherry tomatoes, but now the plant is barely on its last leaves, so i might have to toss it, but that always seems like such a sad thing to do. Guess i will let nature really take its course.


speaking of course - going for my virtual driving lesson 2mrw afternoon. Looking forward to that experience. Less messy than actually learning on the road.

but yea, feeling very shitty -2nd guessing my photography, writing and myself
have not gone to the gym, pants getting a little more snug, muscles beginning to atrophy
(okay, i'm exaggerating about the muscles, but i am putting on the pounds, 5 in two weeks - not good) so that's weighing on me, but my body aches so much. Damm fybromyalgia. Cold and damp are my two worst enemies.

so another week of rain and damp in the forecast. I hope it lifts soon because i don't see myself doing any lifting or moving or doing anything soon.


bleh

this keeps me going...

All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
James Baldwin


Raise a million filters and the rain will not be clean, until the longing for it be refined in deep confession.
Leonard Cohen


Confession of errors is like a broom which sweeps away the dirt and leaves the surface brighter and clearer.
Ghandi

The moment has come for me to write, draw, and paint my credo. In the last month I have destroyed much of my work... Looked at carefully, they were mostly tumors remaining from my bad times.
Kupka


Revealing secrets can bring us pain or get us into trouble, but worse pain and worse trouble await us if we keep silent… we become habitually untruthful. The door to our creativity closes.
Eric Maisel

Art is always and everywhere the secret confession and, at the same time, the immortal movement of its time.
Karl Marx

Simple confidence can change perception of both audience and artist.
Jill Badonsky

The landscape with its violent, pure colours dazzled and blinded me. I was always uncertain...
Paul Gaugin

Don't apologize for who you are or the art you create.
CJ Rider


Your self-confidence is directly connected to how much you feel you are making a difference in the world.
Brian Tracey

what to do, where to go, how to proceed

had dinner with e - two pints of hoegaarden and i was all over the map (but these pints looked like buckets, i kid you not), trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life, which direction to choose, which lane to pick, and how fast to go in it.

Needless to say, we didn't get anywhere fast except in circles, with me in the middle, feeling lost and confused.


when i asked him (i should have known that he would give me this response...) he told me that i should pick the one that would be most likely to make me money fast.

Practical practical

doesn't necessarily mean the best


"but which do I do best? Let your logical mind slow down for a minute, and let the creative one move forward" but i could see in his face, a struggle and soon the furrowed brow followed.


I don't know what to tell you.

well, i don't know what to say...

and so i sit here, tormented by which path to take, because i know, in the end, i can't take all three - i only have two legs and can go in one direction at any given moment in time

writing
photography
filmmaking

i can do all of them really well, have won awards in all three and love all of them like my own children

"you do writing all the time - it's been years since you did film, and photography you don't do that often..."


so??!!

I have not been on a bike in decades, does that mean i have lost the ability or enjoyment or knowhow to ride it???

no surprise, he fell silent on that one...

at this point, my logical mind, fed up with all this frustration and headache, thinks i should leave all three behind and not follow a passion but be practical because money does not grow on trees and time is fleeing

but oh, it hurts to think that i might have to leave a dream behind and wake to something that is just one long infomercial.

this sounds pretty dramatic, cut off my nose to spite my face, but i am true to myself and refuse to edit what i feel, so i'm putting it all out there - as flabby and unattractive as that may be - although i might regret this in the morning...

but whateveah

any thoughts?

be your own furniture

be your own furniture here!
Swedish style

life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

Went with mom for her c-scope. Amazing news! it was nothing! The spot they found on the PET scan was actually another inflammation. What a relief that was. She walked out all smiles - exhausted, dehydrated and hungry, but happy.

Would it be too hopeful to think that she might have kept the cancer at bay this time? We can only hope - which is what we are doing a lot of these days...


and also went to the gym last night and it was good to catch up with an old friend as well we are going to karaoke at a dive bar (I mean, a real low down dingy dive bar) on Thursday - a celebration of sorts. Time to work on my inner pipes.

but running was therapeutic - did lots of stretches which went a long way in the post aches. Got home at 9pm. Time well spent I say.

and when I woke up, life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

the low on the low down

feeling quite low energy lately
nothing much to do
not able to do much


I've stopped going to the gym on a regular basis, and it disturbs me. What once acted as my anti-depressant boost has slowly puttered away, and it (like pretty much everything else in my life right now) has become a chore. I could lift 1000 pounds easier than I can lift this profuse fog of languid boredom.


I can't even write.
Words sputter our from the stumps of my nailbeds like dried ink blots. Eyes drag across the page like reams of wet fabric. The mind is caught in an elliptical apathetic mantra of "why should I/do I give a flying fuck?"

I don't know.

Hope that this will pass because every day, every morning that I wake up, I leave a little part of my soul behind when I dream of better days gone by.




Aries Horoscope for week of July 24, 2008

Anna Renalda Hyatt, a reader from Colorado, bragged to me about her prowess. "My capacity for expressing love far surpasses that of anyone I have ever met," she wrote. "I am a Sublime Genius of Love, a Master of Unconditional Compassion, a Virtuoso of Deep Empathy." Your assignment in the coming days, Aries, is to compete with her: Unleash a perfect storm of ingenious passion that will ignite subtle revolutions everywhere you go. Explore the frontiers of smart love.





but this makes more sense...

At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.

in the blink of an eye, she was gone

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

Douglas Adams

taking a little hiatus for a week or so, or more.
Need time to process things. Need time to rest.

edit me

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Edit me
make me whole
take me apart
and then
in the fragments
find the meaning
and piece me
back together
again

because from there on
I will never be
the same
the same
or different
because
I'm rearranged

Edit me
because you want
to know me

edit me
because you might
be afraid of
reading between
these lines



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it could be something, it could be nothing...

The pet scan revealed two spots - one on her lymph node right in the middle of her chest, the other on her colon.

The doctor says that he's not really sure what they are, and is ordering more tests.
"it could be something, it could be nothing..."

so I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, and as hard as my brain is fighting me on this "new attitude", i seem to be winning.
Slowly.

One neuron at a time.

The other night, while plagued with fear and anxiety about the fact that perhaps, the cancer is once again manifesting itself in her body, I simply slowed down the mind machine, took a few deep breaths and said: "anything is possible, and everything is possible. Whether you you say you can't or you can, it's true..."

I think my last session is starting to sink in
things are slowly making sense, and the path of least resistance is opening up, becoming brighter, and although much of it still under construction, I'm taking it slow.


***

got stung by a wasp - 4 times in one split second.

and it hurt like hell

Never have been bitten by a bee/wasp before, it's convincing to say that all the horror stories I had heard were true. It hurts like a mf'r.


I was trying to move away some seemingly carnivorously vines that were about to grab me over mom's fence in her back yard today, and as I was bending one tangled loop over to the other side, before I had a chance to blink, I heard a nasty and loud buzz.

Mosquitoes i thought.
but this nasty hot poker iron that was driven deep into my face and arms (and chest) was unmistakable. In hindsight (and thanks to google), I should have not swatted so furiously, but i just wanted it to get away from my face. I ran into the house swearing like an inebriated drunk trucker. The bites were enormous. I grabbed some ice, a bottle of vinegar and stood before the bathroom mirror awestruck by the precision and speed of the attack.

So as I sit here typing this, the right side of my face underneath my eye is swollen, my arm and writs throb, but the program I am feeding into this machine is "at least I wasn't allergic! So that's a good thing..."

nlp for you and me

saw the life coach today


not an hour too soon either

wonderful, wonderful


did a list of my "values" today

interesting interesting


found out that one compliments the other

intertwined intertwined


found out where I'm needing to focus

corrections corrections



homework was to beleive in my dreams

options options


no more "I can't do anything"

no more lies no more lies
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the longest night - will the cancer return?

the longest night - will the cancer return?
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

This will perhaps be one of those long agonizing nights for me, and I can't even begin to imagine how long and sleepless hers will be...

She finds out the results of her PET scan tomorrow afternoon.

We are all hoping and praying that she will be in the clear, but the reality is, if it spread to the lungs last time, the major organs are next.

There have been miracles - people manage to live years cancer free, but this is a very aggressive form of melanoma, so as much as we try not to think about it, it's there in the back of our minds.

So please send her some positive thoughts 2mrw afternoon. She goes in at noon, but will end up seeing the doctor about 12:30-1:30

I will keep you all posted.

totally put off - the final vroom vroom part 5

I'm totally put off by driving

at least that is how I'm feeling today, and might be for a while until I am able to replace this horrible and traumatic experience with another positive one

which might mean that I have to go to a different driving school with a different instructor (who I hope is a little less uptight and high strung and sounding like my mother can on her worst days)

there is no good way to teach somebody through fear mongering or yelling at them

and that is what happened today

I was yelled at because I didn't change lanes when I had the chance

wtf ?!


what am I going to learn from this?
Don't change lanes
ever

or at least avoid traffic rush hour like your life and the lives of everybody else on this planet depended on it.

bad taste in my mouth
like the metal pipe that hangs from the exhaust system from underneath the car I was driving

at least that was the place I would have rather spent my 60 minutes today...

terrified, panic stricken and discouraged - could catholic guilt be to blame? V4

That is how I'm feeling now
along with deflated and worn

drove today
had a different instructor

was she better or worse than the last one?

Well, just different degrees of worse and better

I was hoping for a young even keeled zen master female, but instead I got an older hicktown hillbilly woman who spoke with a thick accent, threw lots of slang around, messing up my internal translation system and used her passenger break enough to freak me out and doubt my driving skills.

a lot

rush hour is not the best place to take a student who is learning how to drive - at least not until they have mastered the art of lane changes, and I'm far from that yet.

so imagine my horror when we were confronted by surprise construction sites/obstacles that seemed to fall out of the sky, forcing me to come to a screeching halt in the middle of rush hour traffic, blocking up the stream behind me like an angry constipated mule, people whizzing by, waving their hands up in the air, wondering what the hell I was doing on the road in the first place, and then me trying to merge into an oncoming traffic stream that was relentless in it's force - a metal tsunami on wheels.

I think that by having the sign on the car screaming out in bold letters "DRIVING SCHOOL - STUDENT AT THE WHEEL" saved me from getting my head punched in from irate drivers.

seriously...

and after two hours, I wondered why the hell I would even want to put myself through more torture.

and we have not even tried to go on the highway yet

I will need a whole truckload of ativan to get me through that lesson (which it seems like I will have to take an extra one or two cause I'm nowhere near ready to do that now)

Terrified, panic stricken and discouraged, I pulled into the school parking lot and almost wept my eyes out, but they were too tired from scanning and avoiding possible oncoming collisions.

My next lesson is tomorrow. Too soon for my liking but to change it would mean a 60$ penalty, and I need that cash to put towards more self inflicted torture behind the wheel.


"You always think that you are at fault, that you don't have the right of way - but in fact, you do, and you hesitate to take charge of those opportunities to change lanes/pass cars"

Ha.
Talk about my f*cken catholic guilt coming to the surface.


Even when I'm driving, I feel as if I am in the wrong, that because I'm a lowly inexperienced driver, I'm beneath the other more experienced drivers and therefore, should honor my superiors, and humble myself, take responsibility for messing up/causing accidents etc.

how completely insane is that?

Going to see the life coach on Thursday - will be sure to dig into that unholy closet of ghosts to work on this vice.

oh bloody hell...

yea, bloody hell is where my guilt should go and should stay.

vroom vroom part 3

took a long drive today
went over the bridge onto the other island, had to make some quick heavy duty lane changed due to unforeseen construction work, but i managed to do it with finesse, despite the fact that my palms were dripping sweat from the maneuvers.

but I did it and I'm proud as punch
(whatever that expression really means)
because it means that I am getting more and more comfortable behind the wheel and driving in traffic. I keep thinking from the end - license in hand, hitting the highway, wind in my hair and tunes blasting on the radio, going down to vermont to go camping by myself in the woods, or going on a road trip with the girls.

it will be so liberating, despite the fact that gas is so bloody expensive, if I have to skip meals for a few days just to be able to get out into the open road, so be it.

i can stand to lose a few pounds anyway

and oh yea, what an incentive to drive all the way off the island
Had dic ann's - oh those flat spicy hamburgers and skinny fries were sublime....

Ramblings - thes best kind

whenever I'm depressed, I watch this video. And it's even more hysterical now that I'm learning how to drive...

bang on and peel my skin away

sure, this applies to everybody and anybody that is an aries - but how he hits it bang on is besides me...


Aries Horoscope for week of July 3, 2008




Here's the first rule of panning for gold: Go to a slow-moving stream where flecks of the precious metal have been found by others in the past. The second rule is this: Although gold is carried along by the current, it's heavier than water and thus rarely appears right on the surface. Look deeper. A third pointer is that if you do ultimately find substantial treasure, it'll be because you will have gradually accumulated a number flakes and nuggets over an extended period of time. You've got to be patient. Now, Aries, apply everything I just said to your search for metaphorical gold.




and then further down the page...

Notice how you feel as you speak the following: "The strong, independent part of me resisted the embarrassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves vast amounts of love. Ever since I surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time, as it used to. In fact, it feels comforting, like a source of sweetness that doesn't go away. I never thought I'd say this, but I've come to treasure the feeling of having a voracious yearning to be loved."

a link to a link is a link to another link

Through the magic of the internet, and blogger, I have met another writer who has lived and dealt with depression, and is now using her experience in her art, hoping to educate and enlighten others who have not been touched by this disease.

Nancy - thank you so much for visiting, for coming into my sphere. I have a feeling that a collaboration might be in the cards for us ;-)

It's good to be funny

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I remember when I was funny, and wrote about funny things

back in the days life was funny - and I got a chance to write a play about it (!)

but then life took a serious turn

and then something not so funny happened
and then I lost my funny mojo

now life is taking me down a different path,
and I am finding direction again

and it's just so appropriate that I came across Wendy's blog

finally, something to laugh at, about and with

Thank you Wendy for being so funny
and rekindling the funny in me!

While the rest of canada moves, i try to have a Confident Conviction

July 1st.
while the rest of canada was in the midst of moving, I was starting my first session with the nlp/life coach went really well.

Really really well.

She said so many many things that made sense - obvious things, and things that seemed so simple, I don't know why i didn't think of them before.

but there were bold steps - leaps of faith that I will have to take for this stuff to work

"what would you do in your life if anything were possible, if you could not fail?"

That's a loaded question with an equally loaded answer...

Hollywood?
Making my own sitcom/comedy sketch show?
Documentaries that win oscars?
Living somewhere in Greece during the winter months, New York in the summer?

yea, it all seems like a pipe dream to me now

but then again
what if it were all possible?

Must re-frame my way of thinking.
Access the inner child in me - the one who would not take no for an answer.
The one who believed in miracles. The one who wanted to help the world when she grew up.

how strange is it that I wanted first to be a stewardess (loved the idea of travel), then a brain surgeon (ironic that i ended up having a gig as a medical photographer at the neurological institute here)

onward and upward
New dreams, new plans

new beginnings



July 1, 2008
Confident Conviction
Aries Daily Horoscope

Calculated risks that you have committed to might cause you to experience anxiety and fear today. If these risks cause you discomfort, try to remain steadfast in the knowledge that your decisions are correct. Trusting your choices, even when you are as frightened as you are excited, can help you overcome your anxiety and face life’s challenges. The path you’ve chosen can seem less foreboding if you have faith in yourself. Should you become apprehensive, making a mental list of the successful risks you’ve taken in the past may help to ease your insecurities. Today can be a wonderful time to step back from your situation in order to take stock of all of your strengths.

Self-trust can be the most powerful weapon we possess when we have to combat fear. Most fear stems from self-doubt and the feeling that we are not capable of understanding a concept or completing a task. When you trust yourself, you acknowledge your faith in your ability to make decisions and succeed. The fear of failure or of undeserved accomplishment has little chance of gaining a foothold in your soul. Also, you become empowered to take risks without second-guessing yourself because you are secure in the knowledge that you would not choose an undertaking you were unprepared for. Trusting yourself today can help you dissipate your fears—you know that the risks you have chosen will be beneficial ultimately.

invincible summer

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"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus



thank you my dear for this quote

it lifts me up and sets me free

ox

and when I fell, I seemed to bounce back as if my body were made of elastic...

went to the gym at 10pm tonight.
I don't usually do that, but thought that the excess energy (and money) that I had spent shopping for clothes that will now fit me (since I have lost some weight, my unmentionables are kind of loose...) had to be channeled into something productive.

Was going to pull out the cam, but had no patience, despite the fact that digital photography gives you immediate results, still, I could not have been bothered.

so I dashed into my workout wear (and I opted for grungy and worn out), skipped to the gym with my latest downloads of Pearl Jam and Depeche Mode buzzing in my ears.

the place was almost empty - the way I like it.

Some die hard bbuilders flexing their muscles, taking off their shirts and comparing cuts and ripples.

I slipped in unnoticed
the way I wanted to be

what an express workout it was. Didn't rest much between sets - flew from one machine to another, all the while, watching the clock to see if I could make the last batch of exercises before 11pm

Went on some wacky cardio machine - a moving step machine with handles that move in unison to the steps for an "full body workout"

plopped myself in front of the tv with CNN close captioned - just the way I like it, and kicked it up 2000 notches.

was heading for 30 minutes but at 11:01pm, I had to wind down at 23.

And then I fell.

Got my ankle caught on one of the pedals/steps and onto my side I tumbled - tried to break my fall with the fleshy part of my palm.

Gloves, towel, water bottle, sweaty redhead - all splayed out on the floor in various locations.

I tried to get up, but that made things worse. Had to unlatch my foot from being pinned under that mammoth paddle - ended up rolling out on my side and then, slowly back to a kneeling position.

Thank the Lord there was nobody there. I was able to be alone in my shame and inability to keep my balance.

My HR was up to 158 - no wonder I was weak!

Saw my friend at the desk - showed her my hand and said:

"thank god I had some extra energy to make it down the stairs. If not, you would have found me bent over the machine, having slept there overnight because I was unable to move from my tumble..."

"Are you okay? Your palm is really red!"
"I don't feel a thing - I bounced back as if my body were made of elastic. But I'll be feelin' it tomorrow!"

Don't think I'll be needing to do anything that will require much mobility in that arm, aside from driving, but it's all good.

Tomorrow is moving day - and I am going to see the Life Coach/NLP practitioner.

out with the old, in with the new

am doing the body cleanse with eating right and exercise

and now, a good mental cleaning - just what I needed.

I'll keep you posted as to how it went...

if you have wings, you can fly...

Tuesday mom goes in for her 3 month PET scan. And the week after that, she goes to see the doctor. He will then tell her if the cancer has spread or not.

I saw her today and the worry is starting to show.
There is really nothing we can do except wait. There is nothing I can do now except wait and watch her wait, and try to not entertain the idea that the cancer has come back and that she has only a limited amount of time to live.

Nobody wants to entertain these ideas, but times like this, they seem to stare you down, making you uncomfortable, blink and look away.

So please, say a little prayer for her. She goes in at 9am on the 2nd of July and the week after, we get the results.

I'm praying my heart out that we will, in fact, have a little more time together because we are finally starting to know and love eachother not only as mother and daughter but as women, forging a special bond that I hope to keep alive for a while longer....

amen to that

another week is over - june is almost over
and we unwind into this long weekend


and amen to this

have a good one...

driving and jumpstarting

Drove to my mom's house yesterday and back without breaking a sweat.
A good 15/20 min journey.
Over and under overpasses and underpasses, 3 lane traffic, and during the transition between dusk and twilight (and that was a first).

It was all good.

and it's official.
I'm going to see a NLP life coach
on the 1st of july at 1pm

how wild is that?
Out with the old, in with the new!

and today - advice to take my career by the horns and charge on through.


Aries Horoscope for week of June 26, 2008

Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Aries. We're checking up on how you're progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. I'm hoping that by now you're well on your way toward leaving your amateur or rookie status behind for good. I trust that you have had a vision of exactly what you need to do in order to boost your level of professionalism, and that you have taken aggressive steps to carry out that vision. If for some bizarre reason you have not yet begun this glorious work, jumpstart yourself immediately. Fate will conspire dramatically on your behalf if you do. Now here's a tip on how to make sure that your inner warrior is operating at peak efficiency: Assume there's always more you can do to raise your standards and aspire to a higher grade of excellence.

haha - look at what it says above Buddha's head

exposure

seeing only the possibilities

signs, signs
everywhere a sign

sure, the law of averages was perhaps behind this strange series of events which transpired to make me almost walk into these signs during moments of personal doubt and fear

sure it could have been sheer coincidence that i happened to be at the right place at the right time and perhaps receptive to what elements were around me at the time - hence making all these coincidences seem as if they were meant to be

but new york is magic anyway you slice, julienne, chop or cut it.

the day after the show, I was plagued with doubts, second guessing the success of the show, the really incredible positive response to my work, and feeling that it might have all been a flash in the pan, and that when I returned home, all of this would vanish.

then I saw this:



and along with the words of anthony robbins, who's book I'm reading now, it all makes so much sense, even if those little miracles happen only in my tiny universe.

And that's all that should matter when there make magic or not.

"all successful people have the uncanny ability to focus on what is possible from every situation, what positive results could come from it. No matter how much negative feedback they get from their environment, they think in terms of possibilities. They think that everything happens for a reason, and it serves them. They beleive that every adversity contains the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."

Anthony Robbins
Unlimited power

a very good evening indeed

didn't feel like going out tonight, but did
and had a blast.

For the first time in a long time, home was a fun place - with new friends, new places and a new attitude.

I wasn't going to go out - had been feeling crappy/pmsy/clumsy/dopey

was about to fall asleep at 8pm after really really pushing myself hard on the treadmill this afternoon.

I don't know where the energy came from,because at first, I had to peel myself off the floor - so weary and down, but once there, I managed to keep a 7mph speed for almost 20 minutes. I'm going to hate myself tomorrow for that, i'm sure.

but I had some starbucks latées and that managed to perk me up.

at the end of the night, I managed to fill up a 2Gig card, forge three new alliances and discover a club in the city that I never would have gone to otherwise.

yep.

Despite being burnt but still flying on the caffeine, I'm a happy camper.

peel me off like a scab, and then vote for me...

I sent that link to almost all of my contact to my online portfolio - only a teeny tiny handful of people replied - perhaps I'm to much for too many people?

I dunno.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should just fuck off from humanity - or be lucrative about those who want to stick around and gawk, charging entrance fees to the history of my life and tattoo a disclaimer on my body saying:

"warning - the following content deals with mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised..."

and then let them figure it out themselves.

but as a photographer - we are exposing ourselves - our visions for scrutiny to the world. And hence, like an open wound, we are vulnerable to the elements - however harsh or delicate they may be.

and the scabs keep on forming, falling off and then healing only to have another chunk of flesh removed at another time. But like the skin, i am constantly being rejuvenated by the miracle of life. Each cycle, a mystery in itself.

And as a photographer, there is no other way I would ever want to see or experience the world - a mystery in itself.

Life's inherent beauty

I was thinking about my upcoming PET scan today, worrying about the results, and then I got this in the email . Talk about timely!

enjoy!

mom

June 20, 2008

Life’s Inherent Beauty
Capricorn Daily Horoscope

Your expectation of what the future may or may not bring can cause you to be distracted and not fully aware in the present today. You may feel a sense of anxious anticipation while you wait to find out whether your life will truly correspond to your predictions or fantasies. This nervousness can prevent you from experiencing all of the rich fullness of the moment. Putting aside your expectations for a short period can help you see what is going on around you in the present. You may discover that your ability to focus on your duties, enjoy recreational activities, and relate effectively to others is restored when you exist in the moment. You can regain your inner equilibrium today by endeavoring to be aware of the sights, sounds, and feelings of the present.

When you focus on being in the moment, you can enjoy the circumstances, sensations, and emotional states that exist in the present. Frequently, we miss out on the pleasures right in front of us because we are reliving an incident from our past or ruminating on what the future may bring. Living in the moment is a means of becoming aware of what is happening within you and outside of you. Fixed in the present, your perception is unsullied by memory or hypothesis. You can immerse yourself in the richness of each new experience. As you do, you’ll learn to appreciate the uncomplicated beauty of moving through life. You will discover that there is joy to be had in every experience today when you live in the moment.

late late night ramblings are the best ramblings of this catatonic photographer

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"A man should write for all he is worth, about whatever state he is in at the time, however little he knows about it. You only stumble on poetic truth in the dark, in the light it is too easy to step around it."

P J Kavanagh.


this should be my new profile blurb


and I will post this on my wall, in gigantic letters to remind me every day the reasons why I continue to keep this blog.

In response to "when the light fails to come"

This was an email from a lovely flickr friend who saw my post and was concerned about my health. Thank you Ruud so very very much...



Have you tried Chinese medicine? I'm not saying that its going to solve it, but I see a pattern of pathology according to Chinese medicine. So its interesting to check out.

On the emotional field the liver liver pathology deals a lot with Anger (which is healthy) depression, frustration.

The liver houses the 'hun' (ethereal spirit) which deals with going forward, expression, having goals, creativity. which are the opposite of depression which is basically a deep rooted feeling of not going forward but being stuck.

Interestingly the liver controls the 'eyes'.

Western medicine is based on suppressing your problems but not getting rid of them at the root. Emotions have to be vented otherwise it will emerge on an other level.

This 'hun' of the liver also helps the 'Shèn' (spirit, mind) of the heart to get rooted. If it doesn't do that the mind starts floating...insomnia, manic behavior,.... and also spots in the eye.

Anyway you get the picture. I can't imagine there isn't a good Chinese medicine guy where you live. If you can find one that has more experience in spirit disorders would be even better but not necessary.

If you treat the body you treat the spirit.

Maybe this can shed a better light on you pathology. Its worth a try, right?

I love my friends...

I love my friends.

God has blessed me with some wonderful people in my life - I cherish them to bits - and the ones that make me laugh till I cry, those are priceless.

My friend Ilene is a classic.

I told her that I want to take her humor gene and put it into a pill - that will be my new anti-depressant...


One night while we were out with her friends, she says this to me.

Straight face and all.

Didn't even blink an eyelash.

And for a moment, I really thought she was serious - until a few seconds later she broke a smile.

Then we laughed for about an hour - making tangent jokes from this one line.


"My money situation now is really tight. I'm very broke, so I'm thinking of selling my vagina on ebay - you know, 'cause it's used; but I don't know how much I'll get for it because it's all stretched out, old and wrinkly."

God bless you Ilene.
You are one of a kind, and I'm so happy that you are in my life!!

how to communicate effectively, purely.

Ahh.
late late night - past midnight.

Got back from the gym not long ago - last call at 10pm, but stayed for the steam and sauna till 11.

Decided to shake up the routine.

Now I'm wired from doing too much cardio - but it's all good.

Normally, because of this surplus energy, I would have spent most of the night firing off long and complex emails to my friends, not that they don't appreciate it - as a matter of fact they do...



And just when I thought I had to edit myself, I got this from a friend of mine.

and it made everything all right...

Thank you so so very very much matt.
Your words have healed a worried mind and weary soul.


.

.



And please don't apologize to me, not ever, for writing too much.

I think what I like about your photographic style is also that which I enjoy about your style of writing, or captioning your photographs.
You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul.

That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard.

Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well.





This is what I wrote back.


Funny, things just seem to flow out of my fingertips, onto the keyboard and tend to make so much sense late late at night.

When my guard is let down


"You do it all with such passion, such natural intensity, like its being processed by your brain but streaming live from your soul."

Oh matt, those words are healing for me right now.

So many times I feel as if I have to edit myself. I come on too strong, am to bold and rush to get what I want, want to know answers yesterday and don't know the meaning of patience or wait.

I know this "intensity" shows in my photography - and in my relationships, which I tend to monopolize and complicate. Some people can handle it; some say they can, but then run for the hills when I send them copious paragraphs of my philosophizing and analysis of the world around us, around them and around myself.

Thank you for not running...


"That is not the most common thing to encounter, and it is a thing which i place in high regard."

and when I got this message, I had the same thoughts about you and your photography, and writing as well.

Great minds think alike ;-)


"Knowing how to communicate effectively, purely, and without typical boundaries or borders is only worth knowing if you can find other people who know this as well."

Can I quote you on that?

This is a brilliant line - I'm thinking of making a tshirt out of it, put your name on the bottom. And when people ask me who is Matt Carr, I will send them to your flickr site, and then say "this man is a highly enlightened human being, and I'm happy to say that he's my friend..."

I'm happy that I was able to give you another angle to what I saw in your photographs. I love doing that for people - I love it when it happens to me.

I think that when we take pictures, there are several layers of meaning and interpretation that lie within the pathways of the brain, and because we can only process so much information at one time, only the strongest ideas punch through - making it to the central processing center which then tells our hands and eyes to create what we see as a finished image.

Sometimes, residuals drip through in the way we chose to frame something, the intensity of the light might be a reference point to an earlier idea - but it all happens under the radar - what a beautiful and magical process!

And shooting inebriated? Hell, that's the best time!

If you are like me, you are a thinker - sometimes too much for your own good, and because of that, we edit, shave down and cut around the juiciest part of our raw ideas, making it a nice and tidy package - easily digestible.

But when we let our guard down (either through mind altering substances or also, in my case, mania or depression) we plug up the dam of reason, of safety, of logic and (as I said before) let the floodgates of instinct open and then, the emotion, the intensity, the honesty of what we are feeling, even the most intangible and incomprehensible ones to make their way to our creative centers.

No editing, no stopping - just feeling and experiencing.

i think that is what real art is all about.
From writing, to photographing to living.

Reaction time

I had my first fender bender.


Decided to practice driving with e - tried to parallel park at this jappy mecca shopping center (the people are notorious bad drivers, I should have know better than to venture into that mimbo/bimbo territory).

this woman in an suv was pulling out. She didn't see me - nothing. Did not even look behind to notice if there were any cars behind her, just backed out like she thought she was the entitled queen of goddamn sheeba and hit my backside.

Well, a bump. Scratched the back, but this car is a turd box so it doesn't really matter anyway - but as she was backing out, he told me to hit the horn. I just sat there stunned. I was frozen in place, hands on the wheel - shocked and horrified.

I could not react.

And that freaked the shit out of me.
What if she had been coming full throttle.

That worries me - my reaction time - hair trigger on some things, slow as molasses in others.

But this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson sits on my keyboard to remind me to keep perspective of the grand scheme of things.

I got it from one of those desktop day calendars long ago, trimmed it, and then set it on a sheet of strange and scary looking clowns (those dollar store wrapping papers are not for the faint at heart) and put it in a clip frame behind glass.

it's become my mantra

scary clowns and all

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you should being it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

amen to that Ralphie...